I’m brand new tothe site and forum having just joined. When I read other peoples problems I feel that mine are totally insignificant but just hamper my daily life.  A close friend of mine has always mentioned that I show signs of depression but I just pass it off as having just ‘not my time’ as she also suffers with depression.

Well…. what can I say about myself.  Okay here goes…  I have a job so it contarsts to others I am very lucky and hapen to be very jovial at work, it would be a complete shock for colleagues to even think I wcould be depressed or similar.  I am 38 now, single had to move back home with parents as 3 years ago I stupidly jacked my job in as had enough of ‘work issues’ that had no bearing on me directly but indiresctly did., but did not have a job to go to!!! yeah my greatest move ever and onlylast year or so got slowly back on my feet. I feel I have no life and it’s just an existence of work and home, whilst reducing my debt which another reason for my lack of social events.  My 2 closest friends lives miles away, where as my other so called friends I barely register on the scale. my self-confidence is gattered personally and it’s been about 3 years since a date as I’m told i’m okish but I have not love of myself so why should anyone else, which then triggers my weight issue.  Most of my nights are spent crying myself to sleep a bit like now when I talk about my sad existence of a life. I have a close knit family and they get the brunt of my unhappiness, worries and anxieties. I should be loving life instead of it being one long chore. 

I often think about going to the Dr,but then think what I need is a sharp kick up the backside and motivate myself rather than me being depressed. I finally realised last night cabn’t keep fighting this any more so hence the message. I just wanted to go somewhere, where not known and tell my fears without nany judgement made.

Thank you for taking time to read this and I hope I’m not patronising in when I call my ‘concerns’ when others are dealt a tougher deck and mine are insignificant.

I think ever since I was around 13/14 I have been battling a depression/sadness, a persistent negativity and anxiety which has stayed with me ever since.  I went to a great school and then finished university in 2005 with a theology degree and since then the only jobs I’ve ever done have been boring administration temp jobs, the longest of which lasted 4 months.  In total I’ve only worked about a year in total and so been out of work for a total of 6 years and counting.  This is NOT because I am lazy.  It is partly due to the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life along with this overwhelming sadness, apathy and a complete and utter lack of desire and interest to do anything.  I just don’t care about anything.  I have NEVER had a sense of ambition, I have no goals, no real aspirations, I just have nothing to live for, absolutely nothing.  Just feels like my entire life has been a complete waste and I keep thinking that the best thing to do would be to commit suicide.  I always thought that finding the right woman would give me a real purpose and happiness and joy in my life.  But that hasn’t happened and because I feel this way and never seem to get better, I fear I never will.  Because afterall, don’t they say you have to be happy with yourself and your situation and circumstances before you can be with someone.  Well if that’s the case I haven’t got a hope.  It already feels like I’ve missed the boat.  I have a good personality, I’m decent looking, I’m easy going and intelligent but that doesn’t seem to be enough.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve been on anti depressants, seen therapists, counsellors, career counsellors, spoken to career advisors, done career tests, written down all my interests and skills, voluntary work all in an attempt to make a decision on doing something, but I still can’t figure out why I seem paralysed and unable to move on with my life. The voluntary roles I had I just simply lost interest in.  The medication didn’t seem to alter my mood.  The career tests just made me go round in circles and the counsellors and therapists I saw actually made things worse.  There was only one counsellor who really understood me.  As a Christian I thought that at least my faith should give me hope to continue and to keep believing that God does have a plan for my life.  But due to all the rejection and setbacks over the years my Christian faith has suffered and now I hate God as a result. 

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??  Is it just severe depression or something else?

Obviously I have condensed my life story here in brief but from what you’ve read give me one good reason why I should not end my life?  I have absolutely nothing to live for whatsoever.  Despite my best efforts nothing ever seems to change, infact life just seems to get worse.  Not existing anymore seems to be a far better option than having to endure the pain and agony of having to face each day alone, empty and lost, without hope or purpose.  I know I need a focus, an aim, some sense that my life is going somewhere and that I have purpose but I have tried to find it for so many years and failed.  I am so fed up of it all.

All in all I don’t have a bad life really, but I do a job that I love but that causes me to work long, unsociable hours, take on a lot of responsibility, and witness sadness and grief every day - and try to help and comfort people in their grief.  All this eventually took its toll and I suffered from depression a couple of years back.  I had very marked suicidal thoughts, (which I would never have carried out as I know that I am blessed with many people who love me very much) which obviously were very distressing - especially as my job provides me with daily access to drugs I could use to take my life.  I was treated with fluoxetine and improved greatly.  I have now been off fluoxetine for 18 months.

All was going fairly well (although work was still a major stressor in my life) and I became pregnant for the first time - my husband and I were beside ourselves with excitement!  I had awful morning sickness but battled through and everyone assured me that this was a good sign and indicated a very strong baby.  Well, despite this, I sadly miscarried at 12 weeks pregnant, and had to have a D&C procedure and suffered a lot of pain afterwards.  Since then I can feel myself slipping back into the awful, dark pit of depression.  I am trying so hard not to, through exercise, eating well, and contact with friends, but I just don’t think I can stop myself from becoming very depressed again.  I went back to work far too early due to pressure from my boss (2 days after D&C!) and feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. My husband is wonderful but works even longer hours than me and is unable to support me as much as he would like.

I was wondering if anyone has any advice or words of comfort, or has been through a similar situation?  I am terrified that I will need to go back onto anti depressants as this would mean delaying starting a family further, as I would not want to take even the safest of ADs in pregnancy.

Best wishes to all of you out there.  I do hope I will be able to offer words of comfort to some of you one day.
Lizzie x

I’m 25, been suffering from depression for quite a while now according to the docs.

Had a right old scare when I got the suggestion of bi-polar, purely because and somewhat selfishly, this meant that there was a good chance I would never renew a medical, for the pilots licence I once held!

Looking forward to discussing things with everyone here. Had a change of medication from Citalopram to something beginning with Ven that I still can’t remember (GP says 48 hours for prescription, gotta love the NHS!)

Still, I am alive, still at work, the cat has stopped biting me so much and the flat is warm!

I did an 8 week course with a local counselor through the NHS and did improve a little. Was eventually referred to a paid therapist but never pursued it as I had started to feel good again and it seemed quite expensive. However I am on a downward spiral once again and it seems to be much worse than anything before. I now work as a freelancer, mostly independently at home until I can afford to rent an office - lots of phone calls and emails talking to clients, plus client meetings, quite a busy schedule to take my mind of things.

I do know my condition differs in solitude and social situations - socially I am more prone to the manic side of depression, high anxiety to the point of shaking, tightening up. Although this has improved greatly over the years as I’ve got older and I suppose more used to my condition. I’ve programmed myself to avoid getting panicky, sweating, paranoia, feeling like the smallest person in the room by shutting stuff out in public. In private I daydream endlessly, set impossible goals, ideals and look at the world as a fantasy. Then a few thoughts of suicide, how to do it in a way that’s like turning off a switch, without any pain.

Things seem to be getting worse now as I enter middle age (42, still young really). I can’t see too far into the future, maybe next week or month but no further. My work is keeping me distracted and if I didn’t have a relatively good career doing something I’ve always been good at then I’d really be in trouble. My recent attempts at a relationship have been pretty poor and a massive upheaval. I’m becoming more reclusive I think and less tolerant of even the simplest things. I think I’ve always had a fairly severe problem going right back to when I first started school. But have rarely got help - only that few weeks of therapy a couple of years ago.

I’ve never been diagnosed with anything officially but that’s due to not having the courage to confront the problem. I don’t have enough self worth or motivation to do much. Will try to force myself to walk down to the GP’s surgery but feeling like there are people with real physical conditions who are more worthy of treatment. I haven’t spoken to any friends in about 2 weeks and getting worried that the path I am taking is not a good one.

Thanks for reading.