I work hard and have always worked hard for my company.  I used to love going to work.  I hate the fact that I now hate my job.  The company has made my hate my job. The company has changed so much and are now using aggressive fear tactics to keep us there and making ever more demands on us.  I often end up working on my days off or getting phone calls all day on my days off and during my holidays which I take so few of these days as I have to keep cancelling them or am asked to change them or get calls and grief while I am on holiday that it is easier not to take them.  I see my children less and less as I am having to work longer and longer hours to cope with the workload that is piled on us.  A lot of my colleagues feel the same way and some have resigned or are considering resigning because of this.  We all have mortgages to pay and bills to pay and families to care for and this isn’t going to change if I give up my job.  I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning and cry in the morning before I go to work.  I have been getting palpitations and tingling sensations in my fingers and headaches and feeling faint.  My doctor said that it is stress but I don’t want to take time off work.  I just want to be treated right at work.  I cannot do more that I’m doing already.  I am afraid that my wife will leave me and that I will lose my family.  If it carries on, I will have to think about taking time off.  I can’t go on like this.

Hi Will

You really are in the thick of it. I am writing this off the cuff so please forgive any dizzy sentences that may follow. Your anxiety sounds so pronounced that you owe it to yourself to take a break and give your nerves a rest if nothing else. You cannot continue under this strain. I have been off work for the past 3 months and it is only in recent weeks I have accepted that I needed to be off work I simply did not want to face the fact I was depressed. That is the danger of this illness the symptoms are cloudy and sometimes hard to identify. We wallow in the worry of what will happen if we take time off work, or what will happen if we tell your loved ones we feel terrible. But if I broke my leg in three places 3 months ago i would’nt have worried half as much about being off. Yet I needed to be just the same.

Do yourself and favour take courage in your hands and look after yourself. Give up the struggle that you can cope just as things are. You cant and the sooner you take time off and get help the better it will be.

Good Luck

Ashling

Hi
I know exactly how I feel.  This is my second severe episode of depression and both times it has revolved around work.  It’s a horrible feeling particularly because I used to love what I do so much.  I feel trapped and you look like you do too.
Go and see your GP again and ask for help before you get worse.  You do need time off and any company that actively allows you to be treated like this does not deserve to have you working there. Recession or no recession, NOTHING is worth losing out on seeing your family.
You hate this company and need to get out.  There are other jobs and there are no medals for doing something you hate and your family will prefer to have you happy and with them than unhappy and away. It is not worth it, it’s only a job. 12 months ago I wouldn’t have believed it was me saying that but it’s true.
I have hated work and been depressed twice. This time is much much worse than the first time.  The first time I just couldn’t progress in the company despite working my socks off. Eventually I saw my GP who talked to me, gave me some prozac to help me get on an even keel and as soon as they started working, I felt more able to take the step I knew I needed to take. To leave. As soon as I changed the root problem, I got better.
The second time I didn’t realise that it wasn’t the company so much as me. I have changed and needed a better challenge and environment. I chose the wrong company and it has backfired amazingly badly.  Everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong and depression gradually crept up on me. I recognised the signs this time and went to my doctor and he has been helping me. I can’t deal with work based stress at all at the moment but I don’t want it to beat me or to allow the people who caused the problems to “win”. 
You just need to take one step and talk to your family. They won’t want you to do something you hate and there are always other ways around a problem.
Good luck x

It’s Sunday night and I have had my first day off in weeks.  It’s not been without lots of calls from work but still it’s been the best day I have had for a long time and I feel more relaxed than I have felt for weeks.  Admittedly I have had a few beers but not too many but the worst thing about today is that I don’t want to go to bed because i have to get up and go to work tomorrow.  There are tears in my eyes thinking about it.
I was going to work last week and didn’t want to turn the hall light on and wake my wife and children up so early.  I nearly fell down the stairs and thought that if I had done that I might have broken my leg.  Funny that lots of people have been talking about broken legs on the forum.  I wish I had because then I would have to take time off work.
Reading your messages has made me realize that I have to do something.  I don’t know what yet but I have to as i can’t go on like this.  It’s not fair on my kids either to see their dad so down.
Thank you for your help.
Will

It does get easier once you have taken that first step.  Your kids would rather have their dad with them and happy than working and depressed.
Message if you want to talk.
Snoopy x

I registered yesterday as a new user/visitor as my wife noticed the site in the MOS newspaper mag, I have been going downhill with depression for about ten years since my parents died, I had a great Job and now have three lovely kids a caring wife and a nice Home yet steadily for 10 years i have become morose sluggish and sullen and after we being made redundant in 2004 took a new angle career and even opened our own Hotel which saw us leave London for the Scottish Highlands, we sold that after two years my wife felt lifestyle was too hard and we hardly saw the kids who needed more interaction-and resettled near Edinburgh and i returned to hospitality recruitment with the folk i had worked with in London 2004/2005 after redundancy froma senior post in Marriott.

i Really can not work out what is wrong I am spending my days alone as i work remotley from home and visit cities to meet clients and candidates, but every day sees me more anxious about everything, Kids growing up credit going crunchy etc etc, it is now at the stage that i find fear in going to bed as i do not want to wake up at all as i know my mood will be listless want toi stay in bed and tearful and scared is the only way i can say to face the world! I have lost all confidence work is slipping i fear reduncancy and losing home etc tec i have no friends here and feel incredibly alone yet the family all love Jo my wife now works at a care home and is enjoying, something i would be too emotional to do the kids have a good life and good school, i just seem to want to run away,
the alarming bit is i have thought a lot recently about dying as i feel worthless and folk are better of without me and i have these dark clouds that descend that just have me sitting staring out of the window, I took the wee test at the start and it recommends seeing a Doctor which i will probably do but do not want to take pills, i did take counselling when in London and yes its good to talk but i remarked to the counsellor how do you know when your back? or is it ike alcoholism just one day at a time, I used to be so full of beans up at six loved exrecise and interaction was always shy but portrayed confidence, i live in fear of falling apart and the dark thoughts are getting worse, i smell burning candles and matches where ever i go which is weird. If it was not for the last vestiges of my sense of odd Humour i feel i may have gone to sleep a while back, i am i suppose liiking for advice or shared experiences and potential remedies pick me ups etc. i read some of the threads here and i felt so sad for others, i feel I am growing apart from my wife our domestic life is comfortable but thats all, which saddens me not sure what this reads like was just tapping along to get it of my chest.
any one ?  what and where does one start? I feel so selfish now I have written this, is that normal?

Wow Alan, what a rollercoaster of a journey.  No wonder you’re tired.  I feel drained just reading it. You are obviously a fighter given your story.  You are probably tired of fighting.  It sounds to me that your head won’t let you admit that fact so even your body is joining in to try to tell you that it’s not happy. 
If you don’t listen to it then the depression may force you to stop completely and for longer than if you take control and make a conscious decision to stop now and get some help. Making the choice to get help is much more empowering and you can choose. If you collapse, that control may be taken out of your hands.  You may become too ill to make that choice yourself as in my case.  I think if I had got help earlier I could have recovered much more quickly and avoided 6 months in hospital and too many sessions of ECT.
Depression is strongly linked to feelings of powerlessness and helplessness, anxiety and low self esteem and distorted thinking.  They just move in and take over. Although depression is a mental illness, it has physical symptoms too and can affect your senses which could explain for sense of smell being affected. 
I felt that everyone would be better off without me too.  Sadly many people suffering from depression feel like that.  That really is the depression talking and believe me, they would really really miss you.  It sounds like you have an amazing family, probably because you are an amazing guy.  The fact that you have been in a happy state before means you will be again.  If you decide to stop now and get help now, you are already taking charge the depressed behaviour by taking control and power and giving yourself power. My husband always said that depression is a beast which although can be cruel and agressive it can also be tamed and locked up!  Depression is an illness and it can be treated. Don’t expect it to happen overnight. TTATs = Tiny tickable achievable tasks.  One step at at time.  But the light will start to flicker and you will see it.  I never believed it either but it will. You will feel better along the way and I am sure that you will learn some invaluable tools that will serve you (collectively as a family) well in the future.
There are lots of different forms of therapy out there Alan to help you with all those feelings and teach you the tools to deal with them now and in the future.  We can’t be expected to know them.  We’re not doctors and haven’t studied psychology.  You are an expert in catering industry and would be able to answer anyone’s question about the hotel industry.  So why wouldn’t you go to a therapist who is an expert in psychotherapy with a question about your mind?  It certainly isn’t a sign of weakeness. I think it’s sensible to get help from someone who knows. In fact I think we should all have someone objective who we can offload and let off steam too every now and again!
If you write down all your issues, feelings and fear and any expectations you have of treatment and take them with you to your appointment, your doctor will be able to decide (with you) what kind of therapy to recommend and prescribe. Life doesn’t have to be like this.  If you can take this time to reassess your life and work out your problems with an expert or by yourself or with your family, it could be the best thing you ever did.  Another person can be very good at seeing what you can’t at the moment.  Often it just takes someone to point it out to you.  A good therapist will know just what questions to ask to help you find out what the root cause of your depression is and help you to get better.  If you are still grieving for your parents or have not yet allowed yourself to grieve for your parents, they will help you through that.  Unfortunately in the Western world we are not taught how to deal with grief.  The more openly we face our emotions the easier we can move forward with our lives rather than being stuck with the oppressive weight of emotions that are bottled up and put aside to deal with ‘later’ which never comes. They just make us ill. You don’t have to just take antidepressants or at all if you don’t want to.  If you feel that they will help temporarily to get on the first step of the ladder to be able to talk to a counsellor or therapist, then you do that.  We all know ourselves better than any doctor, therapist or relative and know what type of therapy we would feel comfortable with.  While you should always be guided by your doctor, don’t be afraid to trust your gut instinct. 
I know what you mean about humour. People underestimate the importance of humour.  It is a medicine in itself. Never forget how to laugh.  It is a powerful antidote to depression.  You deserve to be happy and live a happy and fulfilling life with your wonderful family.  Please start now. I wish you all the best of luck Alan.  Helen

Hi Alan,

You say ‘What and Where does one start’. well I would say that you have actually answered the question yourself because you have started by looking at this website and by writing some of your thoughts and concerns down. That takes a lot and it is the start of you trying to get to grips with the ‘Black Dog’ understanding how the beast works and what you can do to bring it under control.

Helen is right is what she says about going to an expert about your queries. You need to speak to someone who has the tools to help you. Now some of those tools may be therapy in the way of talking some may be medication….. probably both will be involved. You said you didn’t want to take pills….. but if you were suffering from malaria, bronchitus, gastro enteritus, an eye infection….... you would take medication prescribed to make that illness better .... so why not take some medication to help your brain get better…. for lack of a better description.

What your describing sometimes needs medication to help you get back to a point where you can think a little clearer and put things into better perspective.  It can be described as ‘faulty thinking’ and there is a lot of chemistry involved some of which is to do with the transfer of electrical impulses, your thoughts, which is done by chemicals. If there is an imbalance in these chemicals then the electrical impulses don’t travel in the right direction….therefore the faulty thinking. The medications can help bring that back in line and readjust the levels of chemicals. Of course it is not as simple as that and sometimes you have to to try a few medications to find which one works but it can help.

I think your next step is to see a doctor and get some help there.  You have to be truthful with them and if you don’t feel you are getting the right treatment go and see another one. Its not easy but you have made a big step by facing up to the Black Dog and writing here so you have taken the first steps. best of luck with the rest of your journey.

Duncan’s right.  You would take pills if you had a physically obvious illness. You do have an obvious illness so take a little step and get help.
It is NOT worth it to let this win.  Life is for living and there are so many nice things out there.  When I’m feeling at my worst I turn on my laptop and look at my niece’s pictures on facebook, my cousin’s nights out at uni and look at something positive. Even putting on blackadder or fawlty towers. Something to make me laugh.
One little step leads to another and gives you that little bit of courage and hope.  You have absolutely nothing to lose but these awful feelings and boy wouldn’t that feel great?
Snoopy xxx

Your company does have a duty of care to your health and if you feel that your work is partially or wholly responsible for how you are feeling, you should raise that with to human resources.  You are entitled to be ill.  I didn’t get better sooner because I wouldn’t take time off work.  Work may not pick up the signs because you are so good at covering up how you are feeling.  There’s that red carpet acting again!  If you seem capable of doing your job, your company will carry on giving you the work.  Is it worth becoming so ill before you do anything that the decision is taken out of your hands? It doesn’t do us any favours when we are ill. In fact it only serves to exaggerate the problem of depression not being a recognized illness because no one can see it. We are so afraid of letting people down, disappointing others and ourselves that we would rather collapse and give ourselves justification for being off work ill.  I understand that as I have done it and I am telling you this in the hope that you will avoid it.  Please don’t think I am preaching. Helen

hi
i joined this forum today and i must say i envy you,i have no one,i am so weepy all the time and despite having three lovely siblings,i cannot tell anyone how i feel,i was put on prozac a few years ago,but its stopped working,

i know its easier said than done but see your gp and try whatever he suggests. and hopefully with medication or therapy you will notice positive changes

good luck
ollyk

I haven’t been on the site for a while as been so busy at work. Thankyou Snoopy for your kind words.  I was really ready to do something about taking time off after reading the messages on this site but have so many problems at work that if I do so now, the boss will think that I am doing so and not caring about leaving them with so many problems to sort out.  I feel that I am losing control of my work.  I am obsessed with getting everything perfect and getting things doen and keep telling myself that I will take time off when I get it sorted but am wondering if I ever will get it sorted.  My little girl went to bed in tears tonight because Icouldn’t put her to bed as I had to go back out to work.  I know that it shouldn’t be like this but what if I give up my job and never get another one and I can’t afford to buy her nice things and do nice things with her.  I think that I am scared of stopping in case I can never get started again.  Anyway enough moaning.  I know what you mean Alan about feeling selfish. I feel that I moan and talk about how I am feeling too much.  I hope that you are all doing ok and thanks for your support. Will

Thanks to all and Helen, Newbie Snoope and Will, i was grateful for the response and it did make a difference, odd that i had two days away from the PC awoke this morning and the “black cloud” was on me more than i can ever recall i have made an apointment to see GP earliest is 7 days. and re read the threads here, will please note you have us all to call on if needed, I found i was weeping at 9.00 am felt helpless and wondered whether i could go on looked at photos of kids and kicked my self back up to log on and share the thoughts it makes a huge difference writing them all down, if i can help share any thing Will do let me know dont weep alone, but do not bottle it up it nearly did for me doing that. its helpful to realise what ever we feel somone has before us that matters and we can support one another by sharing this. thanks to all,
when will the doom and gloom end out there i understand this does not help, my belief we are in the eye of the Storm and i would expect by Spring to see folk getting fed up and moving onwards.,
heres hoping.
i was interested in the medication question and u r correct i suppose it is an ilness but was worried about some of the tales of depandancy and such like, i would be grateful for more info I am a scary cat i admidt where pills be concerened.

hope to hear from you all soon

Alan