Hi, need some advice please. My husband has diagnosed with depression. he is on alot of pills olanzapine, trazadone, diazapan, he is also off work and attending cbt and other stuff 4 days a week. we hae only been married 6 months and have 5 kids. I’m finding life very hard and dont know how to cope. He is very critical, blames me for alot of things and cries often. I love him very much but it is getting very hard. He goes out or spends most of his time alone in his room. I feel like my husband has died and all that is left is a smoking miserable man who makes me cry and blames me or the kids for how he feels. This all sounds very selfish of me cos i know hes very poorly. He doesnt like me to text or call friends as it makes him paranoid so i feel very lonely. I only get a break at work as i work for two hours a day in a school. Can anyone please give me some advice?

tulytops I am going to copy and paste this and put it on the other posts so henbant and others get an email and reads your post I hope thats ok with you Xx HUG Xxchloe

Hello Xxx It can’t be easy what you are going through it sounds so unconditional and like Henbant said greiving a lost one Xxx I had a friend who was a psychiatric nurse and she said she had to be unconditional with her clients, she would be bitten scartched and put through insults and abuse. Some how she managed to detach herself away from her clients and saw that it was the illness or additional need causing them to be hurtful. She always said it was the illness not the person, with old people she blamed the pain, because their arithus was playing them up she never blamed the person. Her clients were people with special and additional needs and they never changed. They would test her on many occassions and she had to remain strong throughout. Luckily with depression people get better. When my daughter was a baby I had a wake up call, I never got any sleep, then a friend said it doesn’t last for ever. DEPRESSION DOESN’T LAST FORVER XXThere is a light at the end of the tunnel people get better. Helen who founded this website is testimony to that and so I am. It isn’t going to last. I find when I have challenges like this I know its I have to ride the wave. Its the illness talking, acting, behaving differently to the person I know and love. My husband has the mood from hell, thunder bolts shoot from the heavens we all take cover when he gets one on him, yet it is the tiredness, his finances, his bad day at work not me, not my daughter. A beautiful friend that I have known and loved said this about her husband once and I listened to her and it helps me, its because my husband is tired. Its because your husband is depressed XXHUGXX it’s the depression not him, I guess it is a juggle between detachment and yet caring with love and loyalty. Its the illness, its not your love one. I make a little chant in my head, I haven’t done anything wrong, or its not me, its not about me, its not about me, he’s just tired. Then I give him some space. My husband makes excuses about me either my PMT or I am tired. After when I appologise he says its ok your tired and smiles. He makes excuses for me. My little daughter makes excuses for me its ok, mummy is tired, I still love you mummy Xxx I hope I have helped you Xx I have asked the experts to help you and also those with experience xx Being a carer is not an easy job, and Henbant called it depression fall out Xx dreadful stuff yet I believe the situation has improved now for Henbant I hope they see their email and can give you some help and advice they sounded so very nice and extremely decent andwise. I came over from the depression side and I have never been a carer myself Xx I hope I have helped in some way XXHUGXX Chloe

p.s just talking about it can help Xx we are all here and we’ll listen Xx promise Xx Chloe

Thank you. It did feel better to put how I feel into words and to be heard. I think i’m just getting very tired. He has been on medication for 3 months and today they have said they are changing the anti psychotic again because olanzapine isn’t working. if that doesn’t work then he will need to go into hospital. I feel very scared about this, both for him and how I will cope with 4 teenagers and a ten year old on my own. I will keep telling myself its not me and try again every day.
I’m very lucky because he isn’t agressive but the digs all day and the paranoia get me very low, checking my phone, where have you been, why do you need 20 minutes in a bath, are the light bulds bugged etc. I’m 37 and feel about 90! Thank you for passing on my mail, any help i can get will be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Tuly

Tuly Xx Stay being strong beautiful lady Xxx you are so very strong and wonderful and things do get better Xx The paranoia is supposed to be dreadful. I remember in the book staying sane the author said people with depression actually see the world as it is and the unaffected view it through rose tinted glasses so they can spot lots of white lies !!! so you might have to be careful on that score. I find I tell the truth and leave out bits when I am talking to my female friend with servere depression, I tell a white lie to save her feelings and she knows. ie the mothers at the school call me the crazy lady and I say yeah crazy but sexy and cheeky with it. Its a hard one. YOUR wonderful and you are a star, a beautiful wonderful mother and you deserve to be spoilt rotten and deserve a wonderful treat. Would you be able to get the teenagers support, could they help you in any way, could you bribe them or reason with them actually could you create having a lot of fun with them. They need to look after you put your feet up and be treated to something special for being a star Xx I bet your wonderful to know XxHUGxX you must be a young 37 with all that young influence around you and an inspiration to be young at heart. I know my friends with teenagers are really trendy mums. I hope the others read their mails soon if somebody answers my post I get an email so hopefully they’ll spot yours when they get post Xx Stay strong Xx HUG xxxX Chloe Xx he’ll get better and you’ll find the man you married, it just takes time Xxx

Hello Xx tulytops Just wanted to send you an enormous HUGGGGGGGG Xxx hope your having a nice weekend and all is well XxChloe
Stay strong Xx

thank you. a bit of a crap weekend, lots of i dont think you love me, in your sleep you moved away, you look at other men, its your fault im mad, my sister would look after me better than you, etc but there you go. being very good and not just saying uck off you horrible little man which is very tempting and then going out and getting silly drunk. hanging on in there and hoping for light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve hugged him lots, told him i love him lots and spent time with the kids which helped alot. I feel a bit of a failure as my job is to councell children who have autism and depression but i’m not doing so good at home. maybe the new drug will help. he starts it tomorrow so who knows. all i can do is wake up and try again tomorrow. respiradome! a new antipsychotic. I’m just very tired, emotionaly. It’s all a bit new to me so i’m probably doing it all wrong and taking it all too personally. x

Tuly Xx No your not taking it personally XXXX your a saint Xx your absolutely bloody marvellous look at the facts you are WONDERFUL Xx I wish they handed out medals to carers xX With depression on the increase in our culture I wish there was more support however it does create more carers more people to listen, more people to be heard, more of you out there, more empathy XX. I think of the movie the shawshank redemption him having to crawl through the sewer of the prison to escape. Your crawling through that sewer at the monent and there is a light at the end of the tunnel when your hubbie gets better. There is going to be a time when he is better. Your wonderful and amazing and strong Xxx Your never a failure, failure belongs to those who don’t put any effort into something and effort to me spells effing urts effurt XxHUG Xx I guess I was teaching you to suck eggs with my friends thinking of the illness, not the person sorry, yet I hope I helped remind you. The scholar needs praise and reminders from the students of what they have taught to help themselves. I attended a life coaching seminar with Johnathan Jay many moons ago and one of the best coaches with the highest success stories could not help his daughter. Since then I realise what he meant and saying means its too close to home, he couldn’t help his daughter he had to pass her on to a friend. Your never a failure your a saint your human your normal and you should be patting yourself on the back not beating yourself up. Pat yourself on the back for all the effing hurts you have been through. The goodness which comes with effort, which becomes enormous rewards perhaps not now yet they are stock piling for later Xxx If you do get angry Xx thats natural because I shout and ball at my lot at times because I am such a walk over they drive me to disruption XX like wayne dyer said Mother Teressa wasn’t married or had kids. Never does the dalai Lama Xxx As I always say the only perfect human that walked this earth got crucified. We need imperfection to save boredom, save our souls, humans have arguements. So if you have unhealthy thoughts that is so cool because your not acting them out !!! your not shouting and going mad and if you are so what !! you haven’t done anything bad you haven’t put cigarettes out on anybody, beaten them up, starved them, fed them salt, drugged them, locked them in their room XXXX hey its good to talk XXHUGXXX Stay strong XXX Talking is good Xxx no judges here XXHUGXX its good to talk Xx love the chatter box Chloe Xx

Tuly Xxp.s When my daughter or my husband cross a boundary I throw a wobbly it takes a long time to get me there but I do, I understand you can’t do that to somebody who is depressed. Yet I have never had to care for a depressed person being a suffer. So I think you are a saint XXX a real real saint XXX not just a pretend saint a real saint XXHUGXX because I wish I never threw a wobbly and boy I hate me when I do Xx I would find it impossible not to loose my rag Xx yet my daughter and husband can send me bonkers and I thought I was a saint XXx Your wonderful look at the evidence Xx

Tuly Xx I saw this on Helens post and thought it might help XxHUGXX Chloe

www.carers-action.com

Tuly Xx thought of you today when Ester Ransom was on Radio 2 talking about carers. She reminds all carers there is light at the end of the tunnel Xx hang in there Xxx She was talking specifically about MS carers yet it made me think of you Xxx stay strong beautiful lady stay strong Xxx Chloe

Hi Chloe,
You have helped me so very much this weekend. You will probably never be able to conceive how much. To log on and find some kind words at a time in my life when things have got so hard has been very special to me. I’m a proud woman and to be honest I hate to ask for help or talk about how I feel. I have a job I’m respected in and I’m the mother of 5 children. I’m the woman who propped up her husband as his psychosis and depression got worse. I’m the one people come to for help but this weekend it all got too much and I broke. As I broke my husband broke more, my children saw me cry and I felt close to being pulled into the depression that stole my husband, I found myself in the back garden with a bottle of wine and ten cigarettes and very down and feeling like I had failed everyone. But someone said it was o.k to break, someone said it’s o.k to feel angry, someone said there will be an end, someone pulled me back and taught me not to be so very up my own arse and perfect. That someone was you. It cost no money and you asked for nothing back. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It’s not all better, he is still very poorly and we have a big hill to climb ,but I feel better able to cope for a while again. Ask someone you know to give you a big hug from me. Xxx

Tuly Xx I am so glad I helped you, I do worry. I have just started crying with so much joy when I read your post Xx thank you your kindness touched me and made me shine with a warm glow of happiness. Sometimes I am at a loss as to what to say I am not equipped. I know I can’t offer advice because one persons advice doesn’t work for another, a life coaching seminar taught me people find their own solutions. Plus I must own my problems and not assume I know what you are thinking because I don’t. I live in the hope that if I talk about my experiences I can share my empathy I have been through something myself and I can listen because others listened to meXx I must never assume, I saw a tramp the other day and I was going to give him £5 and then I thought oh gosh what if he has been away on business with his bag and sat down to people watch for a while and I give him an insult. I watched the neal donald walsch movie when he was a tramp and he was searching bins so it makes me worry about tramps now. My husband says you be careful what you say on the web there, you might upset somebody and make them do something terrible. I spoke to my friend yesterday and she has had it tough, and said one day somebody will come home to see her swinging from a tree mother of 4 husband always away. So 10 cigarretes is great and a bottle of wine needs must XxHUGxX Hey you are perfect Xx your a saint. I went to a convent and believe me the priests drink and smoke they need one after hearing all those confessions. The Ewan Mcgregor movie and Tom Hanks Angels and demons it was such a reflief to see the priests bishops and cardinals SMOKING that was so cool just perfect because thats how it is SO human so perfect XXHUGXX mind you I don’t drink or smoke because I get really bad hangovers and a bad chest. Your not up your own arse your holding it together and that is what I call strength. You might like to perceive it in the negative way because you might not want to be self indulging and flatter yourself, yet you deserve so much praise XX I see it as you took time out to let off steam. On my child minding course they told child minders to go away count to ten cool off. Your wonderful XXxx Wonder woman does the same she has to pretend she is somebody else and hide inbetween being a hero and so does superman. Your a beautiful courageous woman who is a good mother and a wonderful wonderful wife who is giving everybody a wonderful wonderful life for being there. I say look after the host so the parasites thrieve so I do hope you have been giving yourself some TLC. I hope you get some respite care, remember every vessel needs make and mend and time to smell the flowers. My husband called me a ship, yes flattery gets him everywhere such a charmer, he said you can’t go down because you carry so many people on board you and they would all sink. XXHUGXX thank you for listening to me Xx hug Chloe xx

Tuly Xx My husbands definition of perfect is imperfect Xx anyway who likes a show off and perfect people might make others feel intimidated and we need mistakes to evolve to learn to grow to develop lifes rich tapestry Xx My TUT from the universe today read :
Do you know what we used to call you before you leapt into the jungles of time and space ?

“Gutsy.”

Do you know what we call you now?

“An example.”

Do you know what we’ll call you when you return?

“Teacher.”

Tallyho,
  The Universe

Mike Dooley is very deep yet he has a point mistakes are lifes great lessons for me I then teach to myself my daughter and share with others Xx am I blessed or am I cursed without the pain I would not have gained a friend today .
What ever you do today tomorrow or have done yesterday was your BEST and always your best because your kind loving considerate and decent. I know this is true because you need them to do the job you have to earnt the respect and love a good man enough to marry you and have teenagers that WANT to hang out with you enough to drive you mad. They all must love you because they would have cleared off Xx HUG XXX Your a massive advert for the kind of person you are because you get put on. If you were horrid must people would run a mile Xx the up side you’ll never be lonely XxChloe Xx

Tuly Xx
Carers are -
C -Considerate
A- Amiable and Amicable
R- Reliable
E- Encouraging
R- Rational
S- SAINTs

stay being strong XxChloe