I have been self employed for 18 years - the business started to lose it’s way several years ago but remained profitable. Now having been hit by client cut-backs i’m pretty sure the business will close. This is really the last straw for me - we have gone through so much pressure this last 10 years from a 2 year court battle due to a poor full structural survey, literally re-built our house, had three beautiful children but sadly lost William to meningitis, had far to many mis-carriages, lost too many members of our family and worked constantly throughout to provide for my family.

I have now been diagnosed with depression and have contemplated ‘calling it a day’ several times but I don’t think I could even get that right - I hate myself for even thinking that way. Unfortunately in those dark times when it bites deep there seems only one way out.

I just don’t know who I am any more. I know we all love our children but having lost William I probably love our children with even more intensity (I don’t mean that to undermine anyone) but now I find I can barely stand to hear their laughter and noise. It breaks my heart to see their faces looking at mine trying to understand what Daddy is going through. I can’t even face getting up in the mornings to send them off to school. It seems such an impossible mission to actually get up, again for a man of 43 that always had endless bags of enthusiasm and determination it’s such a sad way to end up.

I can’t ever see anyone employing me as I’m not a very bright person and have always struggled to learn and retain information - I wouldn’t employ me! I have suffered low self-esteem for years and have been told ‘you’re thick’ on far too many occasions. I have battled with my dark moments for years and often feel low or troubled with life. I am so envious of the many people that go through life with a smile every day - I know they all have their problems too but they seem to be able to get through them.

I am part of the Make-A-Wish committee but I didn’t even go to our meeting this week as I just can’t face people - this makes me really sad as I have always tried to give and support the many less fortunate people in life.

Sorry if i’m waffling and jumping all over -  this isn’t a planned letter just tapping as we go along.  I’m an illustrator by trade but went into graphics by default. I’m good with my hands and can make almost anything. But now i’m all washed up and don’t know where to turn. I have spent the last six years just doing all of the things that someone has to do in business, from chasing money and signing cheques to making the coffee and buying toilet rolls. Yes I know that I should of probably employed someone else to do these tasks but it was a roll that just seemed to happen and before I knew where I was I became a well paid office boy.

I now face the very real prospect of having to sell our family home, which is truly devastating as we have gone through so much in the last 9 years here. The only time i’m happy now is when I can go to bed with my tablets. I used to have such a zest for life and all of the beautiful things in it. I always stayed fit and took part in the abandoned OMM this year. Now I have no motivation whatsoever. Where did it go so wrong? I honestly can’t see light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t see me being able to cope with the financial pressures of life. I have never borrowed money apart from the mortgage and car loan. I

The thought of having to re-train for a new career is so frightening. What would I do? The type of job i’m likely to get will never keep my family and even this thought sends me into yet another panic attack. My breathing goes so out comes the inhaler again.

I also seem to find that I am surrounded by horrible smells, even perfumes and cut flowers smell vile - does anyone else experience this? And the top of my left ear constantly burns when I stress out.

The Crisis team gave me a one off tablet yesterday that made me feel almost normal again but as it’s addictive they haven’t given me any more. Can anyone relate to what I am saying? 

Hi
You’ve been through a lot and it sounds like you need to talk to someone now and get some help dealing with the grief you’ve suffered. Drugs are not the only answer as they do not change the reality of the situation but you definitely need help and you need it now.
I’m not surprised you feel as you do.  There is so much going on and going wrong you don’t know where to start first and I relate to that very much.
I may lose my business (which I inherited by accident more than design), lose my home, be made bankrupt and have to go home to my mum and start again. I can’t do what I’m doing now if I’m made bankrupt.  I would lose everything I have worked for for 20 years.
I thought it was the end of the world.
It took some time before I really hit bottom (past more than one episode with opening a bottle of pills before stuffing them back in again) and realised that it is only money and only possessions - not memories and not love. The important thing are my family and friends who love me and don’t care - they’ll be there for me whatever.  I wouldn’t let them down now by taking the “easy” way out (clearly whoever said that has never been there) but it’s so hard and I know how you feel.
I am sick of crying all of the time and sick of feeling I could have done something different to prevent this happening. The reality is that I couldn’t have and I did everything anyone could to change things.
I had an intervention from my aunt and my mother and then I realised that I needed to look at things differently and take control of things.
So, I’ve done a few things:
1. I’m getting out and have joined a karate club. I’ll feel a complete idiot at first but I can’t wait to do something new, something only for me that will make me feel better about myself.  Something that it doesn’t matter if I’m good at it or not. Just something to enjoy.
2. I’ve started eating properly. I haven’t been looking after myself (big time) and the one thing I can do is to put some decent food and vegetables into my stomach.  Eating the wrong food doesn’t make me feel better and I then give myself grief because I’ve eaten or drunk the wrong things. I’ve gained a lot of weight and I can change that. One little step at a time.
3. I’ve accepted I may lose it all. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m still here, I’m a nice person and I work hard and I can look on it as a blessing in disguise. I can do something now which I will enjoy and get that lust back for life that I used to feel.  I can have the freedom to start something new which isn’t connected with all the negativity and bad stuff.
Please talk to someone and try to think of this as a new beginning.  You can’t change the past but you can stop it affecting your future.  I do have some days where I’m feeling really low but I’m learning to talk to people and not to give myself a hard time. That definitely won’t change anything.
Take care.
Snoopy x

Sounds like we’re in a similar boat, I admire you strength to get up and do something. My motivation is like that of a dead slug. I do agree about ‘only possessions’, I once had a brand new Range Rover but now I have a VW van but should I ever have to face losing my home, which has taken 8 years of back breaking grit and graft it would truly finish me. This is where my children have started out and it is their comfort zone - it would push me past that point I just know it. I’m hoping for the Secret Millionaire to come knocking!

I have always been so driven but along with my low self esteem and negativity I just can’t see life ever being fun again - and I really mean that. I can not see me laughing and playing with my children again. Christmas can only be described as hell. I could only sit and cry and have continuous panic attacks - my poor children. But I just felt totally powerless to beat it back.

Going to try and cut a hedge down now - in the rain - even that is depressing in itself!

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I hope it all works out for you to.

Steve x

Always happy to talk!
I think that the most driven and hard working seem to get hit the worst with depression. It’s almost as if you get back what you’ve put in.
I’m just taking little steps. Diet, exercise, a hobby - it all helps.  The mood gym link on the site is good and I started that last night. Take a look if you haven’t already.
I’ve just written down tasks for the week that I want to get done and am ticking them off. If I don’t get one done I’ll move it to the next day and do it first thing. I feel better with each one, however small, because it means I’m being positive.
I’m not beating myself up about things anymore and if I cry, it’s because I need to get it out of my system. I talk to my mum and it’s hard sometimes because she doesn’t get like this but she does understand that I’m crying because I’m bottling things up and that’s good. Send the website link to someone you think you can talk to and ask them for a coffee and a chat. Maybe go to a coffee shop and have change of scene.
Christmas was ok but it was just after as I was nearing getting back to work that was the worst. I really wound myself up about it. Now I try and leave work at work and have been ruthless with my blackberry. It goes off. If I’m on a day off then I try not to turn it on at all. I have a separate work and personal mobile number and don’t give my personal number out to clients or anything. If I’m ill then I’ll leave it on between 9 and 4 then turn it off and I let people know that that is the rule.
They will live without me for a few hours. After all, only 10 years ago people didn’t chase you if you were off or ill.
Snoopy.x

Steve I know its been some time since you posted this but to be honest I struggle to read other peoples sadness.
Breaks my heart to read your story but mines not dissimiliar.
The way you put words together hardly sound likes someone whos a bit thick. I remember reading somewhere that the most intelligent people are the most prone to depression.
I haven’t seen how long its been since you lost your lovely son but goodness you have a lot to grieve over.
Its good to be able to talk to people who understand what you are going through. Whether its bereavement or depression only someone whos been there ever really understands.
You sound like a strong person- I think most of us depressives are.