My SO is depressed at the moment, and it is begining to drive me insane. She complains, she bitches, she has some massive mood swings and it is really beginning to take its toll on me. The thing that really annoys me is after I have annoyed her over some imaginary slight (For instance, I got kicked from a chat due to a connection error - she thinks that I left her and could be bothered talking) before I have time to explain, she will sign out of whatever instant messenger we happen to be using, and ignore me.

In the past I have tried harassing her to talk to me, leaving her a little to cool down and leaving her a little and then harassing her some, nothing I do seems to be the right thing to do. What am I supposed to do when she is ignoring me, because she is angry at me for no reason?

I take solice that this wont be forever, and that this isnt the person I fell in love with. She is getting help, and her depression was caused by a single incident last year (a sudden death of an immediate family member), and this is the first time she has suffered from major depression so is likely not going to be something lasting for years or decades, but it doesnt help much. Sometimes I feel like screaming at her, but I know that wont help any. Its just getting to be to much.

Hello Carelad Xx I read a book which inspired me after having to deal with being bullied. It was called Do it Anyway - It reads -
1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self centred. Love them anyway
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway
3. If you are successful, you wiil win false friends and true enemies, Succeed anyway
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway
7. People favour underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway
9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway
Anyway the Paradoxical Commandments by Kent M. Keith

Being bullied made me feel very weak then I read this book which inspired me because not reacting to the way others treated me took great stength xxx what you are and what you are doing I bet takes a strength that you never knew you had Xx your an amazing strong powerful person and remaining strong is your only defence against what you have to accept is your partner at the moment, she isn’t well and thankfully her depression wont last for ever she’ll get better and look back and realise what a wonderful wonderful person you really are her hero her rock. Fighting dragons to win your fair maiden who is trapped in a castle walled with depressed misery caused by a chemical imbalance of the brainXx
Can you take the challenge Sir Knight XX your only armour is the strength of your love and your patience because time does heal Xxx she is going to get better xxx Promise I’ll be here to listen XXHUGXX with Solidarity Xx this web site was designed to give us all strength, listen to eachother empathy and solidarity unity in a crisis. I watched a film about a certain tree which needed other trees roots to hold its own weight. The trees grow in masses eachothers roots intertwining to give the other tree the strength to stand. We are all rooting for you Xx I was thinking the other day why must there be disaster, like the earthquake that happened then I saw the love the support the compassion the help the charities and I thought perhaps the earthquake was needed to bring out the love and support of others. It does seem to come out in times of crisis. You have a friend in me and I shall listen Xx Chloe

p.s I am never proud of myself when I have been mean. It gets me down. So my guess is she longing to be back to her old self soon. I hope she gets some help soon and be back to her happy self again Xx

Thank you Chloe,

I really do love her so much, as she has started a group therapy thing recently, I have a feeling it may get worse before it gets better, as she has repressed a lot of her emotions, and the therapy will attempt to bring them all out. When she is well there is nobody I would rather be with, but it has been tough going recently. Ill look for that book, maybe it will help.

Remind your self that it’s the “it” called depression that is making her behave so out of character. Someone reminded me recently that when things go wrong and we need to take it out on somebody we hurt those we love the most. It is likely that this is what she is doing to you. Remember to make sure you look after yourself and believe things will get better x

Thanks henbant, Ill keep that in mind, but its getting harder. I keep thinking I can tough this out, it shouldnt be to long before she starts improving should it? She is in group therapy, she is seeing a doctor soon about some possible hormone issues that wont be helping, am I being silly and to hopeful?

i could really use some advise on what to do and say to her, especially when we have conversations like the one below, the context is that I was trying to help her with a computer problem on her work computer. Things haddnt worked, and though very unlikly, it is possible I made things worse.

(9:50:32 PM) Her: sometimes i wonder if you ever really think about the seriousness of how things are
(9:50:46 PM) Her: makes me question how you could possibly take our relationship serious
(9:53:27 PM) Me: hun, I really do take our relationship seriously, I take you seriously, and I take our future very seriously, I really do love you.
(9:53:49 PM) Her: bull fucking shit
(9:53:56 PM) Her: like I could actually believe what you say
(9:55:22 PM) Me: I would hope you can, I would hope you can believe I dont lie to you
(9:55:55 PM) Her: its not whether you outright lie to me, its whether you are smart enough to know what is the truth and what isnt
(9:56:03 PM) Her: and I question if you can even process that
(9:57:09 PM) Me: yes, I can
(9:58:03 PM) Me: but I have never been in such a serious relationship before, it will take practise
(9:58:38 PM) Her: whatever
(9:58:45 PM) Her: of course you think you can

At that point she had to go home, so signed out of IM, and ignored any phone call I made. It hurts that she doesnt think I take her or our relationship seriously. How am I supposed to respond to that?

I am really no expert and do not know either of you so it is difficult to be sure but I do know there are times when whatever we do is not enough. I am sure Helen would tell you that too. Sometimes trying to respond to arguments that do not appear to be logical can fuel the distress for you and not help her much either. She may feel that she is incapable of meeting anyone’s needs for a positive relationship at the moment. My experience is that responding with anger or frustration is not helpful. Whilst they are quite valid feelings to have, you may have to wait before she responds in what feels like an appropriate way. It can be very hurtful but I am sure she will see things from a completely different perspective while she is depressed and is probably completely unable to take account of your feelings. Take heart in the fact that she has started to get help and has begun the road to better things. Make sure you find other things to focus your mind on each day which can give you pleasure and help you to feel good about yourself x

How wonderful Henbant said to look after yourself Xxx I have a saying look after the host so that the parasites thrive. Parasites aren’t meant to kill the host yet sadly all their nasty excrements they do kill the person that is caring for them. I am not saying your love one is a parasite yet it seems such a crazy daft illogical thing to do to kill the person that cares.(the host) Depression is an illness and you do need to take some nice pleasureable time for you. Exercise helps me see things from a different perspective I have all the solutions after a nice walk. I know when I lash out its because I am storing pain and I get to a boiling point. I know if I shout at my husband I can get away with it because he loves me he is my sounding board. My daughter shouts at me because I am her mummy and she feels safe and secure and loved. Your partner must know the love you have for eachother to be able to exercise the anger, the devil within will out. My ex husband or my mother I WOULD NEVER shout back at because they were rotten mean and cruel and I would never have gotten away with it. Could I say I loved my ex NO, could I say I was myself with my ex NO, did I feel loved and secure with a mother I could never show my feelings to NO mad crazy though it may seem Henbant is so true for me what she is saying ‘you only hurt the ones you love’ How beautiful to have that freedom of speech and know that the other person isn’t going anywhere and not live in the fear if I say something they might leave me. I spoke up to my mother she hasn’t spoke to me since I was 38 when I plucked up the guts to answer her back. HUG XX henbant I love your advice and carelad Xxx things can only get bettterXXxx I sing that song to help me Xx helps raise my spirits Xx Careboy have you read any books on caring ? I was a sufferer so I haven’t read any XX there is a book Helen suggests Xx Hope I helped XxChloe

Carelad Xx I just read the above posts I didn’t have time this morning because I had to get my little girl ready for school. A friend once told me about asking somebody what they want they are an expert in NLP. What would you like to happen. What would be the perfect result, what were my expectations. So they said what would be the best result for me ? ie we get married and have a child. Ummmm see I used to measure love I would say if he crawled over broken glass and bought me a ring then he would love me because that was my measure of love. His measure of love was he drove through the night and had to go to work the following day to see me. Yet I measured love in a different way. My husband and I now I would think if he gave me an eternity ring like so and so it would prove he loves me and my husband is thinking I have gone out in all weathers to feed the animals while your wrapped up in bed reading a story to our daughter with a nice warm cup of tea. I am thinking if he loves me I’ll get a dozen red roses for valentines he’s thinking christ they cost the earth and they only die anyway I’ll bring her a cup of tea and take the rubbish out. I’m thinking if he loved me he would be home more he’ s thinking if I work really really hard all the hours god gave me then she’ll know I love her because she has a lovely home and pets and it all costs money. My husband now is wise enough to say what do you want then I say well then it wont be a surprise. Look why cant men be mind readers. I have found out since that charmers are always in other womens knickers and my good old down to earth husband without his charm without the rings without the roses has never let me down Xx
Mike Dooleys TUT for today reads -
All endings, are happy endings.

If you even believe in endings.

Whah!!
  The Universe

I like to call them beginnings your beginning to get to know eachother and the making up bit can be fun XXX HUG XX

You could ask her what it is she would like to see Xxx from you xxx

————————————————————————————————————————

You might be thinking, we should be reading men are from mars women are fron Venus, yet I think John Grey is talking from a male propective so it would help you. You might need a book what women want written by a female Xxhug Xx Marisa Peer would ask what would be your perfect day, you could start by asking her what would she like how would she like you to behave what would be a way to show you love her. She might say take the rubbish out ha ha Xxx You may need to ask, trust me when people ask me I don’t know what I want yet if somebody says it to me in a kind loving way I could say well it would be nice if you made me a cup of tea instead of just one for yourself. When ever I have got stuck on my open university course child care course or anysort of course involving care. I have always got 10/10 for saying ask the child, ask the person, mind reading is a mugs game and assuming is a bad practice. I am assuming now my advice might work, yet from the bottom of my heart loving relationships are a mind field yet without the emotions it would be boring what better way of testing eachothers love respect courage and patience Xx Easter is coming up my daughter is already talking about jesus dying on the cross what she has heard from school. Yet I love what Jesus said while he was dying on the cross. ‘Forgive them father they know not what they do’ Forgive her she know not what she do Xx or perhaps she is testing your love. For goodness sake do not walk into her place of work dressed as a knight in shining armour with an engagement ring. I walked into my sisters office many moons ago and met a very destressed cleaning lady who told me my sister was a cow. I said why, she said a young lad has just left here in tears wearing a suit of armour and given me an engagement ring. I said what ? She said he went up to her desk and got down on one knee to propose to her in a fancy dress knight suit. Your sister was furious with embarrassment and told him to **** off. Sadly I had cheered him up previously and he did take me literally. My sister was after my blood because she had never felt so embarrassed and he left in tears and his ego shattered. After that the young lad was cruel. Treat them mean and they’ll be keen. I met him years later with his wife who happened to be a friend of a friend she is a carer and managed to get his trust and marry her. They are now married with 2 gorgeous boys. My sister was having an affair with this other chap which I didn’t know about and she was very much in love with a married man who would not leave his wife. Something she wouldn’t tell a sister full of high morals at the time. So my assuming has been the mother of all mess ups. I never suggested he do what he did yet my positive talk gave him courage to do what he did Xxx I am old romantic at heart. Mind you I have 100’s of positive stories to tell which I have played a part in, and attended many a marriage and party. One of the mums at school has just moved in with her new man after my taro card reading teee heee Xx Chloe p.s I always give positive taro readings and why not wink wink ...positive thoughts become things Xx

Dear Carerlad, it sounds really tough for you at the moment.  I think that the advice from Henbant and Chloe sounds brilliant.  I always remember a comment by a carer and I’ve written it on here before but I think that it’s so poignant and worth repeating. ‘The mentally ill are exhausting.  Just give what you have to give, because you could throw your whole life in there…depression is a black hole. It will swallow you up and still never be enough.’  This emphasises how important it is for you as the carer to try to look after yourself and nurture yourself not only to be able to support your partner but to be able to make the most of being together when she is feeling better.  If you give what you feel able to give, both of you will benefit.  If you try to give more than you are reasonably capable of, you may feel resentful as there is a danger that you will feel drained and unwell yourself. A depressed person cannot draw that line for you.  As Henbant very rightly says, we can all feel that we are not enough and not able to do and give enough for our partners but a depressed person will make you feel like that.  They will take for ever as selfishness is the cruel nature of the illness.
Hang on in there for better times Carelad.  Your partner does love you.  She just has her own issues right now which she no doubt knows given the help that she has sought.
Thinking of you.  Take care, Helen

(8:46:17 PM) Her: so Im writing my memoir
(8:46:25 PM) Her: Im going to break up with you
(8:46:29 PM) Her: then mail it to you
(8:46:33 PM) Her: along with your stuff
(8:46:52 PM) Me: no you are not
(8:47:29 PM) Her: actually yes I am
(8:47:37 PM) Her: but itll take a while to get it all out
(8:47:48 PM) Her: so you have time to savor my abuse
(8:48:08 PM) Me: why do you want to break up with me?
(8:49:18 PM) Her: because I hate you
(8:49:59 PM) Me: why do you hate me?
(8:50:14 PM) Her: because you drive me insane
(8:50:17 PM) Her: and I dont like you
(8:50:48 PM) Me: how do I drive you insane, why dont you like me?
(8:52:21 PM) Her: you drive me insane with all the stupid shit you do
(8:53:20 PM) Her: and I dont like you because you do all kinds of things that drive me insane
(8:53:22 PM) Me: like asking you questions until you have to answer me?
(8:53:49 PM) Her: nah, that doesnt bother me
(8:53:53 PM) Her: its the rest of the stuff
(8:54:37 PM) Her: your stupidity, your culture, you annoying accuracy to always do the exact wrong thing to everything I want you to do, even if 5 minutes earlier when I didnt want you to do it you were doing it
(8:56:48 PM) Me: like harassing you when you told me not to?
(8:59:10 PM) Her: like not talking to me when I want you to, but talking to me when I dont want you to
(8:59:19 PM) Her: and being nice when I dont want you to and not being nice when I do want you to
(8:59:32 PM) Her: and cuddling me when I dont want to be touched but then not cuddling me when I do want to be
(9:00:31 PM) Me: we can fix all these things, we (I) just need work on communicating
(9:00:52 PM) Her: and you NOT communicating
(9:00:59 PM) Her: even though you are supposedly working on it
(9:01:03 PM) Her: you seem to have gotten worse
(9:01:14 PM) Her: and your lack of seeing things for as serious as they are
(9:01:37 PM) Her: and your overreacting to things that arent serious at all
(9:02:19 PM) Her: and the fact I really am starting to question how intelligent you really are
(9:02:59 PM) Her: you have no problem solving skills, you have no recollection, an inability to process things appropriately
(9:03:19 PM) Her: some of it might be me being picky, but it cant all be me
(9:07:21 PM) Me: no, I doubt it is all you, but I am trying, I am regually posting in three forums about you and your issues and our relationship, I am doing to best to talk in IRC more, unless you are talking to me, in which case you take priority, I am learning, and I will get better
(9:08:16 PM) Her: not if you dont posses the skills to learn
(9:08:21 PM) Her: and thats what I question about you
(9:08:49 PM) Me: I am learning, I do posses the skills
(9:10:39 PM) Her: you havent proven that to me
(9:10:47 PM) Her: if anything you have just given me more reason to question
(9:11:02 PM) Me: I will do
(9:23:29 PM) Me: I am also taking notes
(9:24:17 PM) Her: doesnt matter
(9:24:39 PM) Her: we are about too far gone and youve only managed to keep pushing me farther and farther
(9:26:31 PM) Me: I dont know how I am pushing you further, and most of the time, I dont know when I am pushing you, until its to late, tell me straight up “You are pissing me off, I need you to do this now” and I will do it
(9:29:18 PM) Her: I have
(9:29:26 PM) Her: and Ive pointed out when you are pushing away
(9:31:44 PM) Me: and it is taking me a while to learn, but I will get it. I may not be as intelligent as you, but I will learn anything if I try hard enough, and I am trying everything I can to keep you
(9:38:12 PM) Me: Most of the time when Im talking to you I even get one of these guides on how to be a good listener up so I dont do something stupid

She stayed silent after that until she left work, she just sent me this text:

Im done. Ive had enough. I /cant/ take this anymore.

I feel almost the same way, but I dont want to lose her. She’s broken up with me before, and got back together soon after, but I am so tired of this.

Carelad Xxx Heres a great big enormous HUG XXx stay strong xx easy for me to say from this comfortable place yet I have been hurt XX and it hurts Xxx its horrid soul detroying stuff agonising stuff XXXX be strong… as Helens dad always says there is something nice around the next corner and being a mature woman myself I know he is right XXXHUGXXXX tomorrow brings a new day the days are getting longer, the flowers are shooting up from the ground the weather is going to get warmer and the sun is going to shine Xx the only way is up XXXHUGXXX the big wheel keep a turning good good good things are coming xxx as before the sun comes out the moods change and lifes rich tapestry gives one a lesson of life xxxxx a lesson that makes me appreciate the good the love and the respect I get when it is around me and for those I love, I know I love their respect their love and their good because to know goodness I must feel hurt XXHUG XX Chloe

Carelad Xx how is it going ? Xxx I hope you guys have made up XXHUGXX Chloe

Carelad Xx hope your well and happy, no need to reply Xx just sending you best wishes Xx Chloe

Carelad Xx sending you happy thoughts and best wishes from me. Hope you are ok XxChloe Xx