I have been advised that I shouldn’t go to work as I can’t think straight and my negativeness is not good for the staff. Being self employed though taking time out is not really an option anyway. Annoyingly I would love time out - I genuinely hate work right now (not that there is much of it) and I wish I never had to go back. I do have an insurance policy that will protect my income but it’s simply not me to lay down and give in and even though I’ve been paying into it for about 15 years it seems morally wrong.

I’m sure if I did stay at home I’d spiral into a deep dark pit - I have always been early to rise and ready to grab the day but now I find it almost impossible to get out of my bed. It’s like the depression is laughing at me whilst I lay there all defenseless.

Does anyone else experience this? Does anyone else take time out? If so what do you do with your time? I think i’d go mad, if I haven’t already. I just need to be busy and achieve in life but I can’t even face going out of the house.

My poor children are going to feel and see this awful change in me and my personality - I so don’t want them to but I feel powerless to change.

I used to love my business and felt so proud of what I had achieved, especially after the constant ridicule I suffered for being slow at school. Now I don’t have much left in me. My personality changed, I think maybe after losing our son, I don’t remember a prolonged period of happiness since then. I don’t think I can handle the pressure of life anymore. It seems to beat me up so quickly and I get so down on a regular basis. This time it firmly has me pinned down - i’m terrified of the future and how we will manage and the effect i’m having on my family I just want to be happy and don’t understand why I can’t be.

Hello Steve,
Yes I am experiencing the same problem through my depression and anxiety I lost my job and now have a temporary position. In the meantime my partner has left me and I now cannot face the day.  I need to get a grip as I am going to lose my home if I can’t make that journey to work. I just don’t know what to do. I have spent the week at home and haven’t left it apart from today and had to return as I felt so ill. Maybe its a visit to my GP and I really do not want medication.

I hope you feel better soon

Joy

Steve,

I think it’s a difficult call whether to try to keep going or whether to take time off. Like you said, if you stay at home, you may go into a downward spiral and find it harder and harder to get out of bed and do things, but if you keep pushing on, you may just make yourself snap and end up in a very serious situation. Have you tried to seek much professional help? I’m sure your family and friends will support you through your difficult time, so although it’s natural to worry about the impact on them, try not to worry too much because that’ll add to the pressure you feel and could drive you into deeper depression. Please try to seek help ASAP and take care of yourself.

Joy,

I would also advise you to seek medical attention. I also hate medication, but sometimes it’s necessary. Anyway, you never know, if you go before you become too down, it may not come to medication, you may be able to get help in a different way. Take care of yourself and let me know how you go.

Hello Steve, I hope that you don’t mind a reply from me but I felt that I had to reply.  You sum up depression so well when you describe it as laughing at you when you are powerless and helpless in bed.  I can so remember feeling like that and the only thing I used to want to do was go to bed with a valium as I knew that it would knock me out and take away the pain for a while.  I used to hope that I didn’t wake up.  I became so dependent on tranquilisers that my husband was worried and used to hide them and only give me one when he thought I needed one.  I got to the stage that I couldn’t leave the house without one as I felt that I couldn’t cope and if I found out that I had forgotten them when I was out, the day was a washout as I thought that I couldn’t cope.  I felt so anxious without them.  My self esteem was so low and I didn’t feel confident to even talk to people for fear that they would think me stupid without the prop of my valium.  I carried them in my handbag.  Like you I also thought of killing myself.  I tried three times and the last time I ended up sectioned which was the most terrible experience.  I would have tried again but again like you was afraid of not doing it right - as far as I was concerned I couldn’t get anything right so why should this be any different - and didn’t want to end up being even more of a burden to my husband if he had to look after me if I was disabled by my attempt.  I did take time off work and basically slept for much of the time.  I had forced myself to keep going and when I stopped it was as if I had stepped off the world in to an abyss and the world just passed me by.  I tried to do courses to retrain.  None of them turned out to be for me but at least it was a sense of accomplishment as staying at home I felt that I wasn’t accomplishing anything. I had therapy and took medication and had ECT.  I am sure that there will be a therapy that works for you Steve.  You deserve help.  You sound like an amazing person.  You have a lovely family.  I am so sorry to hear about your son.  I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you must feel.  The fact that you have been in a happy state before means that you can regain that state with some professional help.  If you have a leaky tap, you go to a plumber (well I do as I’m useless at DIY). If you need your accounts doing you you have no qualms about going to a solicitor (apart from the bill).  Why should it be any different to go to an expert if you are depressed. If you have a problem with your head, a doctor or psychologist or counsellor can help.  If you had the flu, you would go to him.  Why do we deny ourselves help when we have a mental problem.  I refused to go to the doctor for over a year and was wanting to throw myself under a bus, crying all the time and only getting out of bed to go to work.  I didn’t want to accept, didn’t dare stop, was afraid of failing and ashamed and embarrassed that I had a problem. I didn’t anyone who said that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Life should not be like this Steve and does not have to be.  Please try it Steve.  It might be the best thing you ever did (apart from meet your beautiful wife and have your children that is).  My thoughts are with you Steve.  Goodness I am sorry this is an essay.  When I was ill I couldn’t concentrate to read so I am sorry for this ramble.  Love and best wishes, Helen

Hi Joy, I can’t even imagine where you are at but it sounds very painful and lonely. Do you have friends that you call on or maybe stay with you for a few days?

I to didn’t want medication but it does help - they wont stop me losing my career but today I have stopped the uncontrollable shakes. I guess they will come back later but it’s a start.

It’s very easy for people to say get a grip and pull yourself together - if only it were that simple. For what it’s worth Joy i’m sending you a hug and hope you can start to move forward today.

Steve x

Brencoot

I know in my heart that my business has caused this downward spiral and yes in many ways a clean break may be for the best. Unfortunately my house would have to go as i’d never find a job paying enough to support my family. I am not a very bright person and really struggle with technology so I’m not cut out for this modern world, all I can do really is draw.

I have had an insurance policy for over 15 years that I could claim on but even that seems immoral. Am I really that ill I can’t work? Sadly yes I think I am and the years of grind and pressure have brought me to a point where my body and mind are simple tired out. Whether or not I will ever be the same person or not I don’t know - can’t see it somehow.

Ugh - is it bedtime yet?

Dear Joy, do you know I think that people who have suffered from or are suffering from depression would make expert psychologists (if they didn’t have to go through years of training!).  Your advice is so helpful and reassuring.  I am sure that with the right help, you will get through this.  You seem like a very positive and strong lady even if you don’t feel it right now.  It sounds like you have just been dealt a bad set of cards to deal with.  It is really unfortunate that your partner felt unable to cope.  Depression is so hard for people to understand as it is so hard to describe and you can’t see it.  I didn’t know what depression was or understand it until I was diagnosed and had to experience. Despite how down you are feeling you are able to help and think of others.  I just wondered how you were feeling today as I know that you feel the need to be at work to keep your life on track and pay the bills but don’t feel well enough to go in or often struggle when you are at work.  If it makes any difference, Joy, I am thinking about you and if the power of wishes counts for anything these days, I wish you all the very very best in your recovery.  If you don’t like antidepressants, St John’s Wort is a herbal remedy antidepressant that is prescribed for mild depression in Europe and particularly Germany.  Take care, Helen

Dear Steve, I’ve just had a thought (doesn’t happen very often so I wanted to let you know before I forget it!).  You say that you enjoy drawing. Would you feel like drawing in your spare time or when you feel particularly down?  If you do things that you enjoy or like doing, it may help lift your mood and give you some energy to cope a little better.  The more stuff you do that you enjoy, the better you will feel.  If you do things that are incongruent with Depression and act as if you are happier, your mind is tricked in to thinking that it feels better and catches up with the way you are acting.  This has been proven to be the case.  Exercise is particularly good but again it has to be something that you enjoy so if you exercise, make sure it’s a type of exercise you enjoy or you won’t keep doing it.  I read in a book once that you should start running on the spot immediately when you start to feel down.  I don’t know about that.  I think that we’d get some funny looks if we were to do that but it makes sense, kind of! Exercise, laughter and doing things we do release endorphins and happy hormones.  You might not feel much like laughing but a really funny film or programme or comedian can really help.  Hope you are feeling ok today Steve.  Helen

Hi
The policy is there for a reason and it is pointless paying for it if you don’t use it when you really do need it. It isn’t immoral at all. It will help you and you need a break.
The pills do help you take the steps you need to take but you’ve got the right attitude about not wanting to use them. It’s better to look at it that way as becoming dependent is not going to help albeit that it is understandable when you are ill.
You do have talent. Maybe go to see a career consultant or something and see if there’s another way of using it or do a course to help get some more skills? Some are online and move at your pace.
Have a look, it won’t hurt and you’ll have the facts in black and white.
The hardest step is the first and you have lost your confidence.
Speak with someone and spend an hour online looking at skills courses. I’m sure you’ll find something.
Snoopy

How are you doing Steve? I agree with Snoopy, use the insurance. It’s not being dishonest or anything. I agree that maybe you don’t want to let it become something you rely upon for years on end, but just taking a bit of time out to step back and try to get yourself back on track might just be what you need. You clearly have lost your confidence and taking time to get that back now, before it gets any worse, could be the best thing you’ll ever do. You seem to think that you don’t have any skills, but the fact that you can draw is already a big one up on me. My Art teacher in High School recommended me not to take art anymore after we got to 13 years old! I didn’t argue! Drawing/Art is something that people will always need, and in various forms/industries too. Hope you are OK.