Hi there - am new to site which a friend recommended to me. I think it’s so useful to find others in the same situation and so supportive.
Have been suffering on and off for about two years but am now addressing my illness and trying to deal with it. Oh how I recognise what you mean Steve about getting up in the mornings and trying not to crawl into bed at 8:00pm ! Have been holding down a responsible job but am findingit increasingly hard to keep dragging myself in every day. Some people are very kind others have been quite cruel.
Something I find difficult to deal with is when I feel better I feel so guilty about it. It’s as though if I laugh and joke and smile people will think I am such a fraud. This in turn makes me feel worse.
Anybody else felt like that ?

Jamie Xx when I was depressed I thought the same. Your illness is about you and what you think care worry about is nobody elses business. Yes I used to worry when I had a good day people would think I was faking the illness. Its all part of the recovery process I used to say to people I don’t want to be like this I want to be ok like you, I am not enjoying being ill, I don’t enjoy depression, I don’t choose to be depressed I am not gaining your respect so why would I fake it.  I said I want to be cool and trendy and strong like you. The people who were cruel I found out later had their own problems it wasn’t about me it was about them. I found out who my friends were, and you know that was a lovely experience to know who all the nice people were who cared about me, don’t get that opportunity often. There are people who care about you focus on them, be kind caring and loving to them they are on your side and people like that have helped me throughout life. The nicest of people don’t necessarilly come in the coolest perfect package they are the decnt caring people who I like to surround myself with XxHugXx you have friends on here now and we can support you and listen through your darkest days and yes its great medicine to laugh and be happy and recovery takes time so you do need time to heal to get better. Little bits of happiness lead to recovery in time. I have a job not worrying about mean people because I am a people pleaser by nature and find it hard to ignore the treat em mean and their be keen ones who just like to feel they are in control and being nice is weak.I say its takes a lot of strength to be nice to mean people yet the meaner people need the most love sadly enough.Can you ignore them XxhugXx I have a quote on my side by diane keaton ‘fear cripples the soul you just have to fight it’ from the ladies home journal, I read it and push myself yet some days I found I had to give in to my fear and I just had to sit it out and smell the flowers. Some say all depression means change Xx Are you ready to make changes in your life ?  I did have a change, I went to university gave up all my responsibilities and did all the things in life that made me happy I fought for my mental health I fought to get better and I did. Yet when I was ill I was very very ill and I just had to let the pain pass through me and let it happen. I didn’t know at the time things can only get better yet they do. Your going to get better and your really really strong because you got out of bed and you don’t hide because you take the flak off the meanies Xxx Please look at all the help and advice on this web site and please attempt to eat properly and if you can please do some exercise even if it means just going up and down on the bottom step of your house. Please get some fresh air please go out because you are going to get better and when you are you can prove to those mean people what your made of and stick your nose up at em. Be yourself in a world were everybody seems to want to be the same. I have found the nicest people I know suffer with depression they are kind and true and thoughtful and decent and meanies are meanies. I hope you are out and about this weekend I hope you are smelling the beautiful flowers aren’t the spring flowers gorgeous Xx thinking of you and sending you my heart felt love and happiness Xx Chloe Xxx

Hi Jamie, it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job holding down your work whilst dealing with your Depression.  I’m sure it seems almost impossible some days.  Depression is still so difficult for others to understand simply because it is invisible to the outside world.  It’s not hard to see why it’s not understood but it is hard when you’re suffering from it.  There’s nothing tangible about depression.  It just eats away at you inside and guilt seems to be an emotion that accompanies it, in many forms.  People see you smile and assume your fine. They have no idea what’s going on underneath that smile.  I’m glad that you seem to have times when you feel better.  That’s a good sign.  Don’t discourage those times for fear of people judging you.  You want to get better for you and the people around you who care.  There are probably more of those than you realise.  Some people don’t know how to handle or approach people who are suffering from depression and therefore leave them alone.  This can often be misinterpreted as not caring.  So whatever people think or whatever you think they think, you’re the one who needs to work on getting better, not them.  It’s not your job to make them understand.  Thankfully lots of bigger organisations and people than us are working on raising awareness of depression.  The Mental Health Foundation’s annual campaign, Mental Health Action Week 4-11 April will be raising awareness of depression and loneliness.  Celebrities talking openly about their depression is helping too.  Who knows, one day soon the stigma and lack of understanding will be a thing of the past.  In the meantime Jamie, keep smiling.  It’s a great antidote to depression.  The body can’t distinguish between forced and real laughter so even if you don’t feel like it, try to do it several times a day.  There’s even a type of yoga called ‘laughter yoga’ which shows how much emphasis even a faith like yoga puts on laughter.
You say you’re tackling your Depression.  Do you mind me asking, if that is with the help of a doctor or therapist or on your own?  I’m sure you’ll find lots of support here.  I have read the amazing reply from Chloe.  Experience counts for so much in everything and the depth of empathy and understanding and advice by people on this site is inspiring.  I hope it helps you too.  Take care Jamie and we look forward to hearing from you. Best wishes, Helen

Dear Chloe and Helen.
I cannot believe that somebody could take that much time and trouble to write such thoughtful and beautiful words for me x Thank you so much. My illness started about two or three years ago when I had my first and only proper relationship at the grand age of 38 !! I totally changed my life for the woman I adored (and still do). I can only describe what happened as being like planning a round the world yacht voyage which you plan for years together, get all your supplies and excitedly plan your route and all the wonderful places you are about to see then just as you are about to cast off, your soulmate jumps back ashore and says ” sorry but you are on your own now”. It totally broke me and I have never recovered. Just as I thought life couldn’t get any better and I was happier than I thought possible my world was taken from me. Working with this person and seeing her every day makes it so so hard. I have been through every emotion but now I just feel so constantly sad and low. I find myself alone living in a tiny flat with debts and I cannot cope with anything. I kind of had a breakdown and work arranged for me to have counselling. I didn’t find it particularly helpful. At the time I was behaving very oddly, drinking huge amounts andconstantly breaking down and I must have been very embarassing to be with. A good friend of mine begged me to see a GP and I was prescribed Citalapram 20mg per day. This helped a bit but the problems feelings and sadness were still there. The one thing my Counseller and GP agreed on was that my illness was caused by experiencing so many major life experiences in such a sort time and then suffering a loss akin to grief.
Recently it has all come back with a vengeance and I have felt worse than ever. I barely eat and drink a bottle of wine most nights. I go to bed at 8pm and struggle constantly to get up and out to work. I have no interest in anything anymore and I cannot see anything to look forward to. This is how my life is going to be now. I so want to go back to the funny, kind, happy sociable person I used to be who everyone liked instead of this embarassment who cannot “move on” as everyone tells me to do.
The strange thing is I love my job ( I am a Court Clerk in a Crown Court ) and many of the Defendants I see every day are on the same meds or have the same problems I do. We recently had a Mental Health Seminar locally attended by many agencies. I wasn’t invited but whilst I applaud the initiative it is ironic that somebody who works at the heart of the system can be faced with suspicion and prejudice from those who should care.
My GP is tring to arrange for me to have a CBT course but there is a waiting list - in the meantime I will do my best to carry on. It’s so so hard though.
My love and best wishes to you all. Jxx,

Jamie Xx Dave crisp the life coach sent this today and I thought of you Xx

“You need chaos in your
soul to give birth to a
dancing star.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

Jamie you are that shining star you are gorgeous wonderful and sexy XXHUGXX A friend of mine is a psychiatrist and he said love conquers all Xxx He knew as soon as his clients were better they had fallen in love Xx You need to fall in love again Xx Like I said to my beautiful gorgeous neighbour who recently got hurt very badly you have to get up and brush off the dust get back on that horse and continue your journey. Guess what she did and she snuggles up at night to her dream man and they have such plans together it brings a tear to my eye to see her so happy Xx You too are gorgeous you are trust me somebody out there would love such a gorgeous sexy adorable man XXX and it is going to happen Xxxummmm I am always right so please don’t shake your head. Most of the professionals at work used dating agencies and they do work and they found lovely professional girls. When my mum ran off with my step dad and my dad joined one the home phone did not start ringing. Women are screaming out for nice kind adorable kind hearted men. Read all the singles lists she just wants you to look for her. You need to start your journey XXHUGXX put the sparkle back in your eye and meet new single friends. I have had a broken heart and it is the worst pain ever. The longing the wanting the waiting for them to call, turn back the clock want me again. Then I changed my attitude as soon as anybody played treat em mean and they’ll be mean tactics on me, I moved on. I found my husband first girlfriend at 32 and he is kind genuine and honest and a really really decent loving guy, doesn’t do much around the house yet hey nobody is perfect XXHUGXx Success is the best revenge so Trisha would say Xx you go and find Juliet XXpromise me and play hard to get women love that tee hee Xx Your story moved my heart and I have felt and feel the same pain yet when I found a little mate I am the happiest woman alive XX She is waiting for you Xx I bet she looks at the same star at night wishing for you, best not keep her waiting too long. You need to meet lots of girls and get your gorgeous body out there XXhug Xx Chloe

Thank you - but I don’t think I live up to that. Who want’s to know someone with my baggage ?

Jamie xx You live to it alright Xx every gorgeous human being on this planet lives up to it xx Baggage ? what baggage your wonderful your a great catch don’t be do hard on my friend Jamie or I’ll get upset fancy being as mean as a meanie to yourself Xx HUGXXX Be good to my friend he has been through alot look him in the mirror from me and tell himhe is gorgeous XxChloe

Jamie xx would you mind me asking what the baggage is Xx because from where I am standing you sound a great catch Xx Do you beat women up ? Do you get so drunk most nights you come in stinking of beer and throwing up all night in the bathroom ? Do you get your partner out of bed in the middle of the night and get her to cook your drunken friends food ? Do you sleep around ? Do you never call her unless you just want sex ? Do you turn up on her doorstep at 3am drunk wanting sex ? ok .........Thats what I call badguyage XXXx Chloe

Jamie Xx
Mike Dooley TUT for the day Xxx I thought of YOU XXHUGXX ...............

Aha!, do you know what your thoughts did last week?!

Oh, yes you do.

They became the things and events of this week. The things you thought would be difficult became difficult; easy became easy; boring became boring; and fun became fun. Where you thought there might be surprises, you were surprised. And where you thought there might be land mines, there were land mines.

Bravo! You can add this week to the list of your most creative accomplishments.

Now, can you guess what your thoughts this week are going to do?

You are awesome,
  The Universe

P.s I just thought you are wonderful XXChloe Xxx

p.p.s Yes I have had most the badguyass done to me Xx ha ha ha you live and you learn pass life ha ha Xxx

Chloe - I am the antithisis of all those things. I would probably say I am too old fashioned and gentlemanly for my own good. Despite what you say L has been the only woman who has ever shown any interest in me. It’s ironic really because when we were together she would always say to me ” Jim - you really don’t get it do you ? You are a babe magnet - everywhere we go I have to bat off the attentions of flirtatious waitresses etc !” Well I never did see it and since L there hasn’t been a queue of women battering down my door. What I have been through has no doubt put some people off but I genuinley believe that women don’t want men like me - we are not exciting enough. It seems that women today don’t want commitment, romance or any of that stuff and nothing is ever for the long term. I am still the one alone at holidays and weekends.  Perhaps when I get better and project a different image things may change.
PS Have had an ok week this week - much better than last. Am starting CBT next Friday so that’s good.
Have a Happy Easter
J x

Jamie Xx Women DO !!!! want men like you in their lives Xx When I was younger a friend and I lay on the beach and my friend said look at that girl over there and look at her dull husband. My friend continued about this beautiful girl and the dull husband. I grew up to get the aha dull men are sexy interesting and have great personalities intelligence and charisma the meanies are just treating girls mean because it makes them keen. The meanies end up as lonely old men, trust me I know a few. That beautiful girl on the beach wasn’t stupid he probably made her life a joy Xxx I know these things having dated a long line of meanies. I then decided to walk as soon as meanie tactics appeared any letching excessive drinking and stringing me along I walked ha ha Hey I wanted to be that girl on the beach. She was nobodys fool. Your ex could see it in you decent kind and gentle is most womens dreams. Please start dating again and get yourself back in the game. Put that sparkle back in your eye and start feeling loved needed and get that yipeeeee europhic ummmm again ummmmm that is such a great pick me up feeling. Really happy to hear you’ve started CBT excellent cognitive therapy. Have you tried meditiation. Imagine your perfect woman, imagine your perfect life so you know what to aim for XXhugXx I look forward to hearing from you months from now telling me about the new love in your life because she’s in the next couple of chapters. Sorry I am one of those that knows all stories have a happy ending correct me if i am wrong. When I was younger I fell in love with this house which was 42k showing my age now. I had the searches done everything and then the owners decided to pull out. I was gutted the estate angents didn’t know what to say. I live with a friend because I had nowhere to live because I had sold my beautiful flat by the seaside. Then the estate agents rang they had found a better house and it was gorgeous so gorgeous and perfect in everyway. Actually I kept it and rented it for years I often had little notes through the door if you ever want to sell your house it was 47k, I sold it for over 100k. Ummmm you know what I am getting to, houses, people, blessings in disguise. Hasn’t life got a habit of doing that ?  My friends have had their problems, and so have I and life keeps throwing more and more successes at us, usually success comes with change, depression comes with change so I guess depression leads to success.Look at Helen, look at will, look at Kayfer, look at Hope, look at me Xxx have a wonderful weekend my friend Xxx your allowed to be happy Xxx your allowed to move on. Success is the best revenge, you’ll find yourself a gorgeous babe Xxx I just know it XxxChloe

P.s I forgot to say the girl that lay on the beach back then married a wife beater Xx he used to beat her black and blue Xxx shame he wasn’t dull !!!!!!

Jamie Xxx I always remind myself fear is a F false E experience A acting R reality Xxx With me its all false all going on in my head they’ll think this they’ll think that. Gosh it even started as a small child hiding under the bed too scared to come out and nobody was really that angry with me. However I have behaved it has always drawn me closer to people or taught me a valuable lesson, maybe destiny xx yet I have been tenaciously striving to get on with other people all my life Xx I found being kind and decent and honest, sadly yes I am dull ha ha from time to time Xx people have drifted back people do learn too people do realise. Your beautiful L may come to realise in time what a mistake she made Xxx people do learn from their mistakes xxx I believe you need to fight the fear and make somebody your dear Xxxhug Xxx Just another thought Xxx I hope I have helped Xxx a broken heart is the greatest pain in my domain Xxx time does heal Xxx HUGXxx Chloe

Thank you Chloe - you give me hope and you have helped enormously. When I think back to two weeks ago when I couldnt even get out of bed and crawled home to get straight back into it to how I have felt this week and what I have done it’s amazing really.

Jxx

Jamie Xx its not the problem its how we look at it half pint glass full or empty Xx I guess you should say your good in bed Xx I am a shocker teee heee Xx Chloe