Hello Paul Xx Do you exercise now ? My daughter is called Sophie Xx she is very very beautiful and looks like my husband. My husband works hard long hours so he is grumpy and gets mean because he is wiery. Its not his fault I don’t blame him its just what is, he is a good man he works every day of the year and comes back home for his meals, he has gone to work now. We live away from his place of work and he works with his family who are estranged from me. I have never had an explanation why, they just ignore me, that made me feel ill for a long time, I tried for 10 years to impress them, just recently I gave up trying to be liked that helped me alot, I divorced them ha ha. He just doesn’t do emotion or lovey dovey stuff, I never realised how unhappy I was ha ha (laughter) I just kept carrying on regardless and why not I have a lovely house a beautiful daughter. I don’t get much help with my daughter and I get overwhelmed some times I feel I am running to stand still. I am guessing its typical, I just felt a bit of a drudge until I discovered there is a life out there. Lots of happy fun people who go to the leisure centre and do stuff !!! My husband has only taken me for a meal once that was ask restaurant 2000, he is very frugil and he doesn’t do flowers or jewellery and when I was forty he hadn’t got me a present thats when I stopped loving him. I guess I needed to feel special because I hit rock bottom. I feel mean not being able to love him like I once did, yet its not there anymore Xx Friends have said they have friends who feel the same way so I guess its part of life and I am blessed with good friends and have so much more in my life I am not going to reflect on all that stuff anymore I quit feeling sorry for myself Xxx How are you tonight ? are you feeling better ? You’ve turned into my agony aunt ha ha sorry Xxx Chloe

Chole x X what never undertand . In Love means so much . Bubbles in the bath x bubbles on the cheeky kisses on the lips x sleepy on the top x In the arms tight in arms x to keep safe and keep warm . Holding hands . You seem to have a sweet princess . I am 37 my friend x My other son jack lives in luton. He is 11 . His mum left me for someone on the net . I promise to be a true friend . Hugs I am always here for you . Just you are for me . Seems like you gone through alot . I need to listen to you xx

Night my good friend chole x why his family liked you is the same I went through with Callum mum family . Her brother told her to through me out . I did nothing wrong apart from get poorly again . I never cheated on a girl or hit anyone . Some say I am to soft . Loads of care Night x X paul

Paul Xx I am good XxHappy Easter I fell asleep my daughter was reading to me talk about roll reversal. Yeah I blame myself ha ha because I let my husbands family get to me. When I blame them and search for answers I get angry. When I say its nobodys fault I get an inner peace. Its what is and time for a change a different way of life. I can choose whatever I want. My first husband used to beat me up so I left him and he married my best friend and she beat him up. Last time I saw him he said she wrapped a child gate around his head ops. So best out of all that. I keep it a secret most of my younger life then years later I was in a night club with my friends and my neighbour came up to me to say hello he said you know that B I wanted to come around and knock his head off we could hear him beating you. I was so embarrassed my friends said whats he saying. See the thing is victims get picked on. Its my weak chicken theory one weak chicken gets pecked shows blood and a little bit of weakness and others chickens kill it. I think others then can exercise their bad ways on me. So its best to keep my history to myself I guess. I believe my husband now doesn’t mean to be the way he is he just hasn’t got the skills and being a man no offence he needs the control to be captain of the ship, its just his way, yet he is always tired. There can only be one captain, I guess I have to make up the rest of the crew sometimes I am a senior rate and then others I am an AB. others time I get treated like the 2nd Leuitenant ha ha. I am and have learnt to love what is Xx life has a beautiful way of sorting stuff out for me. Hey look at you now I haven’t told anybody on here I was unhappy and you get it out of me voila Xx I hope you don’t mind me asking when you get poorly do you take medication, I have a few of my girlfriends on prozac and it really helps them. I have a friend and I know when she hasn’t taken her tablets because she is really mean and paranoid. My other friend with a broken heart is so bonnie now she takes tablets yet I think her new man has put the smile back in her cheeks so she wont need tablets anymore. I am 45 at the end of the month, and I am starting to feel old, I thought I was old enough to be your mother and now I find out your mature and sensible like me well not as mature. When I got ill I took tablets and had vomiting so I had to stop. So I just exercised and ate good wholesome food. I got really fat lately feeling sorry for myself then I got a couple of kicks from friends one was a nice kick and my other friend wanted me to go on Gok Wang on telly she had filled out the forms and begging for a photo of me in my underwear don’t laugh I can hear you ha ha what’s she like ha ha. I hope you are feeling better today XXhugXx May all your troubles turn into little kissie bubbles Xx Chloe

Paul Xx promise me you’ll look after yourself for the sake of your children Xx Be strong Stay strong Xx Chloe

p.p.s HAPPY EASTER XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Paul Xx I am beginning to realise I was looking to other people to make me happy yet the happiness must come from within. I have to feel happy about myself I’ve gotta keep catching the butterfly Xxx Butterflies only live for a day Xxx so I gotta keep catching the butterfly Xx I gotta keep it up keep up the determination to look and feel better so I am happier in my own skin Xx finding love and happiness within myself and other people can see that and are drawn to me Xx I was watching a movie yesterday and the lads mum said he was her knight in shimmering armour and he said no mum shining she said your shimmering Xxx We gotta do the shimmy Xx hey Xxx With every action there is an opposite and equal reaction Xxx From now on I am vibrating those shimmering atoms Xx Chloe

A beautiful love song Xxx
I guess its too, A beautiful love song to myself Xxxx it makes me feel great when I listen to this song Xx
LOVE YOU .......I have to love me Xxx When I say love you to my friends I hear myself saying you’ve got to love YOU, love yourself XXx
My daughter and I have a thing for butterflies Xx she loves this song so much we have worn the CD out Xx
This song reminds me of a friend who saved me got me by the scruff and saved me with lots of love and kindness Xxx and it also reminds me of this one particular beautiful friend, she reminds me of a beautiful butterfly and she owns a prada handbag covered in butterflies. XxhugXxx

Saw you born
And saw you go
The future’s ours
To keep it more
Oh shall you live
Has healing ways
His season is come
My flying stay

I’m gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I’m gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine

In my lucid dreams
In my lucid dreams

Something now
Through life no fun
I wanna feel
I wanna run

I’m gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I’m gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine

In my lucid dreams
In my lucid dreams

I’m gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
Keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I’m gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I’m gonna keep catching that butterfly

In my private dreams
In my private dreams
In my private dreams
My lucid dreams
My forgotten schemes
My lucid dreams
My forgotten schemes

I see through you, you see through me
I see through you, you see through me
Be with me, be with me
I see through you, you see through me
I see through you, you see through me
Believe in me, believe in you
Believe in me, believe in you
I see through you, you see through me
I see through you, you see through me

To be in your eyes
To be in your eyes

Paul XxSomebody wants to be your butterfly Xxx and you’ll find her if you haven’t already XxhugXx Chloe

My husband bought me a bunch of flowers for Easter teach me to moan about him Xxx I guess shimmering does work Xx HUG Xx Thanks for listening to me Xx Chloe

Happy Easter Chole xx

Just got back from feeding the ducks with Callum x Thank you for listening to me my friend. I am always here for you and it seems you are for me.

Well when is your birthday???? mine is April 30th will be 38 omg !!!

I am so happy your husband got you some flowers, some times it hard to understand peoples inner emotions.  I love sweet things when in love.

promise to be here always for you X hug X xx Paul p.s does any of your friend take trazdone , which I take xx

Cholexx

Its ok to tell me what you like x I am all ears. There is such a caring side to my nature.  I just got sick and had noone to understand me and talk to me x

it feels horrible in isolation and darkness.  To find someone to share my life would truly help in the future. Chole someone that is going through the same as me or understands mental sickness.

Have a brilliant day X Hug X Paul xx

Paul xx My birthday is April 30th ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how spookie Xxx pushed out of the god almighty aeorplane on the same day how amazing ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Xxx You sound happy Xxx I am glad you are happy Xx Did Callum enjoy the ducks. My friend has ducks they are funny and so beautiful Xx I used to help the Royal Navy kayak support team and rush along to each bridge to feed them and give them water. Us girls missed every meeting point because we couldn’t read maps ha ha ha Xxx oh dear we rush around in great big old land rovers and missed each and every point. The lads were fizzing with us Xxx That reminds me of ducks because I just remember the ducks at Newbury and everybody going quackers. I do remember it well, I went and hid everybody made up my young friend flung her arms around me and said I can’t believe I have been so mean it was the stress bless Xx Its near 42 survey Xx which regiment were you in Xx I was a strawberry mivie civilian scientist. I used to test urine for radiation poisoning so I guess you could take the P out of me Xx My husband is my husband I guess its not his job to keep me happy its mine ha ha. From now on I am going to be responsible for my own happiness. He is what he is Xxx and I do admire him for the long hours he works and his patience with me Xxx I do daft things Xx trust me I do I believe in karma and turning the other cheek and I act different he has got to know me now and realise that it does pay off Xxx So he doesn’t get as angry with me as he used to. I told him how I felt and he has been really nice about it, still no change in 5 years then he slowly has started to change. I don’t want him to change why should he !!! I think He does understand me yet not as deeply as I would have him go because it hits that wall of emotions or perhaps he is not equipped who knows and I think he has been the first guy in my life to really fancy me, I know it sounds daft he loves me the way I am warts and all, whatever shape I am Xx I am sooooooooooooo happy your getting your va va voom back XXHUGXXX hey its a gorgeous day is it like it with you Xxx

Hi chole x x All I need is someone to share my life with x that will make me so happy x same day wow . I will have send you a card or something . I think you live down south . I live at the seaside . Bridlington . I know I have found a true friend x hug x big thank you chole x ducks were good x Callum was good to x have a good day x x

Feeling really low x hug x shaking paul

Hi Paul, I am sorry to hear that you’re feeling so down again.  I am also sorry to hear about your relationship and your experience in the army.  Callum sounds like the light of your life.
I know when you are really down, faulty thinking moves in and takes over - often ferociously - and we feel we have no control over it or don’t want any control over it as we feel we can’t take any more.  My father used to say to me ‘You never know what’s around the corner’.  When I was ill, I didn’t ever want to know.
You’re probably grieving at the moment.  Unfortunately there’s not a lot anyone can do about that apart from time.  It sucks but it’s true.
As for your damage from the army, you say you’re taking Trazadone.  I took that for a long time and at least it had minimum side-effects for me.  Has your doctor recommended any therapy, CBT or treatment?  If not, would you like some?
I found the Depression Alliance meetings very useful.  Talking to other people in similar situations who understand and don’t judge.  The social aspect is good if you feel like being with people.  Often when I was depressed I just wanted to be alone which is actually not good for depression but it’s hard to fight against.  Most large towns have groups or some kind of support group.  Here is the link to the Depression Alliance and your doctor’s surgery or library is a good place to find out about local support groups.
http://www.depressionalliance.org/how-we-can-help/self-help-groups.php
I never believed there would be a way out and for a long time didn’t want one but when that light starts to flicker you’ll be ready for it Paul.  Try to get yourself in the right place before another relationship as that can put a lot of pressure to put on another person and they can only fail.  As Chloe very wisely says, try to think about what you want to do and didn’t have chance to do in the army or as a husband and get to a good place yourself and then you’llstart emiting good vibes and attract a wonderful new partner and your partner will enter your life and complement it.  You sound like an amazing man Paul, think of yourself and work on yourself for a change and start to invite into your life what you would like.  Best wishes, Helen