My 21 year old daughter has had a long history of depression and she is now home from university as she has sunk so low.  For the first time, she asked for help from her GP last week and saw a university councillor last week.  Her suicidal thoughts have gone away slightly she says.

I am finding it very hard as she says shedoes not want my help and I have 2 other children who have always suffered because I have had to give so much time to L through the years and they are now very angry etc which is not helping the situation.  I am OK but still have to go to work etc with worry of leaving her at home but she says that she does not want me at home.

I would welcome any support from forum users on how I can help my daughter but also help my other 2 children through this bad period.

Thank you

I think the first thing that you can take some consolation from is the fact that L has asked for help from her doctor and has seen a University counciller. That’s positive I would say and maybe is some acceptance of the illness by her and how difficult it is to deal with without the help of medical intervention, medication and councilling.

You are in a difficult postion. You have a daughter who is ill and suffering from the ‘invisable illness’....no outward signs of being ill and with many people she is probably very good at disguising how she feels..which makes it worse for the ill person….she would be much better off with a broken leg at least then she would have something to show.. She needs your care and as a mother you want to give that even though she pushes you away saying she doesn’t want it…that’s almost a symptom of the illness. Plus you have 2 other kids who are angry for various reasons, possibly because they cannot understand what the illness is about.

You all need help… L, help for the illness she is suffering from and you and the rest of the family help for the ‘Depression Fallout’ you are suffering from. ( I wrote a bit about this on another post in this section). The recent documentary on Gazza the footballer was really good example of how a mental illness effects a whole family.

L is starting to get the help she needs by the sound of it and you should be able to access some help as well for yourself and the other children for some kind of therapy or discussion so that you as the Depression Fallout sufferers can understand more of what is going on. I think that there are some other sections on the site here where you can get some direct advice on this.

Family and friends can be a great support but they need to understand the illness as well. I have been through this but not having children in the relationship to worry about though. My friends and family were a huge help but I did find that my partners friends and family pretty much refused to admit that my partner was mentally ill. I think this is where the whole stigma of mental illness comes in but the more we as carers are open about this the less the stigma will become. This certainly did not help in the long run in getting the illness under control.

Have a look around Helens site here. You can post questions to people more qualified than myself to deal with them and I am sure you will get a prompt answer.  It might even be worth getting your two children to have a look at the site as well…get them to post their thoughts…..

Hi
Firstly I think it’s so important that L is talking to someone. I know it’s hard and you’d want it to be you, but she has to choose to talk to someone who she feels comfortable with and that has to be her choice.  She may choose you in time but for now, just let her know you love her, you’re there for her and you’d do anything to help her and that you will do as she wants.  Then let go a bit.  It’s hard but she needs to reach out for you too and until she’s ready, just love her and encourage her.  It such a good step that she’s gone to the doctor and for counselling and you should take heart from that. It’s so hard to admit that you have a problem.
Your other children need you too. You must let them know that you care for them as much as for L and it’s so hard for others to understand that depression is so debilitating.  You can’t snap out of it however much you want to and that fact may be adding to L’s problems - she knows she’s taking a lot of your time and that her siblings are angry and I suspect that makes it worse.  They clearly resent L at the moment and that can’t be helping any of you. Maybe they need to speak to someone too and make an effort to try and understand a bit more.  The alternative is horrifying to contemplate but they need to accept her illness too. It’s obviously upsetting them too. They feel powerless I suspect and sibling rivalry is natural in terms of attention.  This isn’t about blame or fault, it is an illness as real as flu and just as easy to get.
L has to get help and speaking from experience sometimes you feel as if you’ve let your parents down and that can be part of the problem. My mum’s so strong and it’s been hard for her to accept that however close we are this is something I feel so alone in and that makes it worse.  I know she’s there for me and will do anything but it isn’t always as easy as it sounds.  My mum isn’t someone I think of as susceptible to depression but it’s hit her hard that things have got so bad for me.  She’d do anything for me and I know that but not being able to take this away from me isn’t easy for her to deal with either.
I have been suicidal too and that shocked her. People see me as being so strong and successful and very like her and that is my personal cross in some ways - I’m too hard on myself and L may be too. 
My mum is understanding a lot more now about the illness and my aunt has been brilliant with her.  You need to confide in someone too - but not your children.  Be there for L when she needs you and accept that she is getting help and that’s the most important part.  You can still intervene if things start going downhill   - in fact you must - but she has to help herself too. That’s the hard part. You can’t do it for anyone else.  You have to do it for yourself.
I hope some of this has helped and sorry if it hasn’t.
Take care
Snoopy xxx

Thank you both for your replies - I found them really helpful and it was good to hear the other side with Snoopy’s reply - again, really kind of you to take the time to post replies.  I have never ever done this before and am really impressed with the insight and care out there to help others which ever “side” you are on!!!

Things are very slightly better and I too take great support from my sister, work colleagues and parents.  There are people out there who do not understand and are very unhelpful and I have made a decision to stay away from them for my sake.

My other children, although 25 and 17 still need me but have now realised that I don’t love them any less with my involvment with L.  They are old enough to understand some of the issues.

Take care both of you

Hi, Helen here.  I asked my the NHS about the help that would be available to your daughters.  Support differs from region to region.  In Nottinghamshire there are carer counsellors and support workers. You can find out from your local social services (in The Phone Book under Social Services) what is available locally to you. Psychology departments offer family work when you can work together as a group, again referral is via the GP.

Voluntary agencies may also be able to help. Mind, rethink they will advise what is open to them all locally. Numbers for all these agencies are on the site under help.

If I hear of anything else, I will obviously let you know.

In the meantime, I wish you luck with what you have already set in motion. Helen

No problem - glad to help.
I learned who my friends are and like you, stayed away from people who I felt were “emotional leeches”. I was always someone who helped her friends and some of them just kept taking and when I needed help they walked away or kept bothering me with their “problems” which was thoughtless at the very least and damaging at worst.  So stuff them frankly. I don’t need that and neither do you.
I’m glad your other children are beginning to understand.  It isn’t personal and deep down they do know but it is hard for them. It can’t be nice seeing their sister so low and not knowing what to do to make things better.  I have a younger brother and a much younger half sister who is only 3.  My brother sometimes forgets that I’m ill (even though he’s a medic!!! I’m his sister and not a patient so I understand when he’s been daft) but he has been so good and he rings me at the most unhelpful times just to talk!!! I love him for that and my sister in law tells him off when he is a bit thoughtless.
My little sister is such a tonic.  She knows I’m not well but is too young to understand.  She knows not to come and wake me up when I stay with her but I hear her sneaking in to take a look to see if I’m still asleep and that makes me smile.  It’s the little things that mean a lot. A hug means the world.
I’m sure things will get better. Hang on in there.
Snoopy xxx

Ajc1, I wanted to post on the site what a carer support worker within Notts CC/Notts healthcare trust who helps run carer support and training groups sent to me about your siblings: ’ I know this is a common feeling for siblings and it is often the topic in the CETP groups. I would say that the family has one advantage in that the problem is out in the open and they can at least start addressing it. I would also recommend that the siblings get onto google as they already obviously have and look for reference reading on the subject. Know also that there have been some novels with this as topic which might be a way of looking at it from different points of view. Other than that the mum can only honour what daughter is asking for space and probaby each seek someone to talk to before trying to resolve together’. I am posting some contacts on the site under the Extra Help and Further Reading withing the I am a Carer banner, for help with children suffering from Depression that I have been given.  I hope that it helps.
Another suggestion was, have you thought of contacting CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health) to see what they suggest for your family? I don’t much about the organisation but the website is: www.camhs.org.  They run regional development centres and workers.  There is a list of addresses on their site. I sent an email today asking how someone should contact them and am waiting for a reply. It wasn’t clear to me how to get in touch with them. Maybe you’ll have more luck than I did.  I will forward any reply to the site.
Take care, Helen

Take care, Helen

Ajc1, I just heard back from the CAMHS( Child and Adolescent Mental Health) organization and they recommended contacting Parentline Plus, www.parentlineplus.org.uk.  I do hope that you are ok.  Best wishes,Helen

It must be tough for you as a mother. Your beautiful intelligent daughter dragging herself down. If only she could see herself as others do. A beautiful intelligent creature who gained access to university surviving on as a student is a tremendous challenge and she is succeeding on a daily basis. She must be a clever bright wonderful woman you must be very proud of her Xx

It’s the little things that mean a lot. A hug means the world.I’m sure things will get better.

Regards

Gallene

____
dossier surendettement

love your response hope you don’t mind I copied and pasted your comment over onto the depressed forum XxHUGXX

Hi can any of you guys help tulytops - on post ‘need some advice please’ - reads as follows -

Hi, need some advice please. My husband has diagnosed with depression. he is on alot of pills olanzapine, trazadone, diazapan, he is also off work and attending cbt and other stuff 4 days a week. we hae only been married 6 months and have 5 kids. I’m finding life very hard and dont know how to cope. He is very critical, blames me for alot of things and cries often. I love him very much but it is getting very hard. He goes out or spends most of his time alone in his room. I feel like my husband has died and all that is left is a smoking miserable man who makes me cry and blames me or the kids for how he feels. This all sounds very selfish of me cos i know hes very poorly. He doesnt like me to text or call friends as it makes him paranoid so i feel very lonely. I only get a break at work as i work for two hours a day in a school. Can anyone please give me some advice?

Thank you so much Chloe Xx