I’m new here. Just joined today. Feeling really really low today (have been for a while & having really bad thoughts)
Just don’t know what to do.

Do you mind me asking what your bad thoughts are about ? Are you able to talk about them ? My daughter has bad thoughts and when I find out what she is thinking we can talk about it and look at it from a different perspective we talk them through and she realises her bad thoughts are just that bad thoughts and we fill her head with happy thoughts instead Xx

Hello you.  I am really sorry that you are feeling so low today.  You say that you have been feeling really low for a while.  Is there a reason that you are aware of for why you are feeling this way?  Is there a particular reason why today is worse?  Can I ask, how long you’ve been feeling this way?  Have you considered going to see your doctor who could help and/or refer you to someone to talk to if you would like to talk to someone?  Sorry to ask you so many questions.  Please do not feel obliged to answer.  We are here to listen if you want to talk. 
Thoughts are very powerful both positive and negative aren’t they?  The spiral for both can seem to take over very quickly.  When I was depressed I was always being told that you have to have thoughts so you may as well make them positive ones.  While I knew they were right, we all know that’s easier said than done.  However we also know that we can convince ourselves that our thoughts are reality when really we are creating them and reinforcing them and they are not really true. When I was very low my thoughts were faulty, exaggerated and very black and white.  They would always lead me to think the worst case scenario when in reality nothing ever did turn out worse case scenario.  I always found distraction helped me to stop dwelling in my negativeness.  I didn’t have much energy but would use TV, day time TV and comedy as a temporary distraction.  A walk is good if you can manage it.  Just to take your mind elsewhere for a while (the longer the better!) to break the negative pattern helps.  Thinking of you and really hope that you wake up feeling better tomorrow.  Best wishes, Helen

When I was depressed I was always being told that you have to have thoughts so you may as well make them positive ones.  While I knew they were right, we all know that’s easier said than done.  However we also know that we can convince ourselves that our thoughts are reality when really we are creating them and reinforcing them and they are not really true. When I was very low my thoughts were faulty, exaggerated and very black and white.  They would always lead me to think the worst case scenario when in reality nothing ever did turn out worse case scenario.  I always found distraction helped me to stop dwelling in my negativeness.

That is such a wonderful wonderful description of how destructive thoughts are Xx Such as FEAR - False Experience Acting Reality Xx Very cleverly put and I love the idea of distracting the negative thoughts Xx Idol hands make work for the devil..well they certainly do in my head ..Chloe

The spiral for both can seem to take over very quickly.  When I was depressed I was always being told that you have to have thoughts so you may as well make them positive ones.  While I knew they were right, we all know that’s easier said than done.  However we also know that we can convince ourselves that our thoughts are reality when really we are creating them and reinforcing them and they are not really true.

What a wonderful post Xx so true xX how are you raat475 Xx Did you have a nice summer ? Chloe

I am sorry to all that I didn’t reply after my last post. Like I said, I am new to this, not the depression (I have suffered for years) just new to posting about my bad feelings & things on an internet site.
I picked up a bit after my post, managed to hide the suicidal thoughts somewhere to the back of my mind for a while… but here I am again, not knowing what to do or where to turn. My own stupid fault again.
I don’t really know where to start with anything. I think that this is one of the worst bouts of depression that I have felt in a long time. I can’t eat, drink, am so tired but can’t sleep. I have zero energy, I do not want to face doing anything & I am having thoughts of suicide all of the time. The only thing right now from stopping me do anything bad is my 4 year old son who is here with me.
I kept him off school today because I just can’t face going out. I am a bad mother.
I want right now to lash out but I can’t. I can’t even cry right now. I feel so angry with myself & I am letting everyone down, including my son.
Don’t know what to do. I should be taking my tablets (haven’t taken them for about 6 weeks now) because I keep forgetting to take them. My memory is awful. I know I should go to the doctors but I am afraid that they will take my son away. So, I have turned here instead. I know I am rambling away & not making much sense & if anyone is still reading this, then thank you for listening.
Where do I start? What can I do? I feel like dying (yep, the cowards way out) I have had enough of not being able to see any light anywhere. I don’t want to let anyone down yet I know I am doing that just because I don’t know what to do.

You are not a bad mother and you won’t have your son taken away just because you go to the Doctor believe me. I don’t know your story so it’s a bit tricky to know what to say to you but what I can say is that the light you say you can’t see is right there beside you. You may feel awful but there is hope always. I felt like that a couple of years ago - couldn’t drag myself out of bed - had recurring thoughts about throwing myself under a bus BUT I did get through thanks to my Doctor and CBT and just last week was giventhe ok to stop taking my tablets. I am as normal as I am ever going to be ! It will get better but you must go back to your doctor. it’s not all about tablets and medication. Ask about CBT - it will change the way you see things. Be good to yourself - you will feel better in time but you need to ask for help and support for you and your little boy. He will thank you for it when you get better. Jx

The thing with the doctors here, is I can’t get an appointment to see them for a few days… by the time an appointment comes around, either I feel a bit better so don’t go, or I go but I can’t tell them whats wrong. The waiting list for CBT is around 8 weeks long, by which time the tablets have started kicking in & I don’t want to talk about things any more in case I start to feel bad again.
I can’t put my finger on why I get depressed, one minute I’m okay & then just like that, I’m so low down that the suicidal thoughts creep in & off we go again.
For anyone to be able to understand me… this is my story…
I had an extremely unhappy childhood, I spent most of it in care & my parents weren’t exactly the “family” type.
When I left school I didn’t have any qualifications, I worked as a model for a short time before falling pregnant with my eldest son (now 18), I married his father but we divorced before our so was born so I raised my son on my own until I married again 2 years later, we were married for 7 years. We had a baby who was born 10 weeks prematurely & died of Sudden infant death syndrome on his due date. Desperate for another child, I gave birth to a stillborn later in the same year. Still so desperate for another child, I put all of my energy into trying to get pregnant again but I couldn’t & this put a huge strain on our marriage..my husband started getting violent. 2 years later, I fell pregnant with our daughter. I had an extremely difficult pregnancy & my daughter was born 11 weeks early & I almost died as a result. I had septicaemia & my lungs collapsed & while I was in one hospital in ICT miles away from home & my daughter was in SCBU in a hospital nearer home, my then husband was found sleeping with his mother.
I returned home after being in hospital for over a month, my daughter had already been released & my husband had moved in with his mother & my 2 children.
Obviously, divorce proceedings went ahead & it was all very nasty. My husband filed for parental custody of both children on the grounds that I was unable to look after them due to my health.
To cut a very long divorce case short - I lost both of my children through no fault of my own. (although it has only been in the last 5 or so years that I have come to realise that)
That is when I started to lose control. I started drinking heavily. Started taking drugs. Started self harming. Started fighting. I lost my house & I lost my job. I tried to kill myself. What was the point in continuing my pointless life? Thankfully I had a couple of close friends who made me wake up. Yes I saw doctors, I even had counselling, I suppose somewhere along the line, it did all help, but it was never enough.
In 1997, the council gave me emergency accommodation a few miles from where I had lived before. I moved, I somewhat settled, I got a job & I was finally okay. I married again, things were great until I got pregnant. Another rough pregnancy & sadly another stillborn baby born 9 weeks too early. Whilst I was in hospital, my husband was off to the pub.
We divorced after he didn’t come to our baby’s funeral & when he came home & couldn’t even remember his own stillborn child’s name.
Whilst going through my 3rd divorce, I lost my job & I started drinking again, I met someone else… (I know what you must be thinking now).
He started taking me out & we used to sit & talk about everything. He used to listen to me. He had a rough childhood the same as me, we were so alike in so many ways. We used to go out a lot. & then I started taking drugs again, he was in a wide circle of friends who all did them. I had my bad days & the drugs would help me float through.
We started fighting, we had a very volatile relationship, & I now know that this was down to the alcohol & drug abuse on both sides.
Our relationship ended with me ending up in hospital with a fractured spine.
I carried on taking drugs & drinking. I had no job. I was nothing. The drink & drugs helped me get through each day.
I had a good circle of friends, I say that they were good because they were the same as me. We had lots of parties… I felt happy with my friends, I felt comfortable taking my drugs & I was able to laugh when I was drunk.
This went on for another year or so. I was never home, always out, always in the pub or at a house party or something. I started getting very close to someone I had been friends with for a couple of years & again, a relationship blossomed & within 10 months we were living together & I had fallen pregnant.
Obviously I ceased taking drugs but he didn’t. There was resentment on my part, I hated the fact that he was still taking drugs & going out all the time. Another troubled pregnancy. More arguments, more depression. I had a stillborn baby girl & then I was alone. Again.

The drugs returned, the drinking continued, the parties commenced, the depression stayed put.
I got with another friend. We started a relationship, my friends hated him. It wasn’t going to last.
I fell pregnant again. & apart from having my friends, again, I was on my own. I had another troubled pregnancy, this time though, I stopped the drugs (as I always had done) I stopped drinking. I worked out who my real friends were, & believe me, I didn’t have many true friends. My friends stood by me & I tried to get my life prepared in case I actually managed to get through a whole pregnancy. It wasn’t easy. I stayed home (still no job) but hey, I had something positive to look forward to. After 6 months of being in & out of hospital & being very poorly, 10 weeks too soon, my little man entered the world.
This is how I have a beautiful little boy who is at this moment, fast asleep in my bed upstairs.
Life was good. I had my beautiful little baby home after just a few weeks of him being in SCBU. I was doing everything I should & nothing that I shouldn’t.
My little bundle of joy though wouldn’t sleep. After just a few months, the doctors put him on medication to make him sleep.
I started having panic attacks. Vertigo set in & eventually, I had a nervous breakdown.

Last year, I found my eldest son via the internet. After making contact with him & the initial amount of abuse I received from him, we finally met each other. His stepfather had thrown him out after he had caused a lot of trouble & hit his step mother & he was living in sheltered accommodation via the local council. That didn’t work out for him either & eventually, we had little choice so he moved in with us.
It was hard at first but it started to be fantastic. I was on cloud 9.
Little man just carried on as normal, being naughty & not sleeping or eating as usual & we all just mulled along as best we could.
I only had a 2 bed house at that time, so space was an issue. Eventually we were moved to a bigger house. Things got a bit easier where space was an issue before, but then the arguments were starting.
Little man & the big one as I will call them here were bickering. which was then getting to me. Then the big one & myself started rowing. He has very little motivation. He started doing a princes trust course & within one week he had lost all interest. He was getting into fights all of the time. He started shoplifting & got caught. All he wanted to do was stay up all night & sleep all day. He wouldn’t help around the house unless he was asked to. Things were getting out of hand & it was getting on top of me.
Every time we have had a row, he has left. He constantly throws the ten years that I didn’t see him in my face, so much so, he has slated me big time all over facebook last week for all to see.
We had a row about 8 or so weeks ago, over the washing up actually. He left the house & decided to throw himself on top of a car which was travelling at 40mph. There was a knock at my door that night from the police telling me that I had to come & get him from the police station. He was ok, just bruised & a couple of grazes. When I got to the PS, I was told not to have a go at him. The police suggested that I take him to the hospital to get checked over & he was fine.
We came home the next day & he kept on joking about it all. & I just had to let it all go??
I talked to him & suggested that both him & myself go for counselling of some sort, but he got agitated & said no, so I didn’t push it any further. Maybe I should have?
I did however tell him that any more outbursts or visits from the police that he would have to go.
Last week he left after another row (hence the facebook part)
I haven’t seen him since. We have emailed each other because he wants his phone back…. I took this off him because it is a contract phone in my name. But that is the only reason he has made contact, which makes me feel so sick.
My mother tells me to leave him alone, leave him to it she says he’ll never learn otherwise.
My friends have pretty much said the same thing. My little man says he hates him for hurting mommy.
He has said that he is scared to live with me. So at the moment, I am leaving him to be in the big wide world, what else can I do?

I am sorry that I am having to write this in sections. I am also sorry for rambling on again. There has been so much to my life that it really is difficult knowing where to start. My friends & family have always told me to write… this is the first time I have written.
I apologise if you think that I have no real place here on this site. I have read some peoples posts on here & I feel that I should not ever be complaining, but I really don’t know where else to turn.
Can anybody out there help me? x

One final thing… I am scared.

I am scared of leaving my house. I hardly ever go out. I take my little man to school & I pick him up (school is a 2 min walk)
I am scared of getting on a bus.
I am scared of going anywhere unless I am with someone.
I hate using the phone & talking to people.
I am scared of losing my children & my friends.
I am scared of completely losing my mind.
I am scared of the bailiffs arriving on my doorstep (yes, I am in a lot of debt)
I am scared of the fact that I am unsure if I am scared of dying.

Dear unhappy, welcome back.  Please don’t apologise for not coming back to the site.  There is no obligation to come back at a certain point or at all if you don’t feel like it.  This site and we all are here to help you.  There are enough obligations in life and we certainly don’t want to be one of them.  We want to help.
Can I just say that reading your posts, there are very good reasons why you are unhappy.  I do hope that you can see that and understand that none of this is your fault and that it really is a lot to be dealing with on your own.  You are obviously a very strong person to have coped for so long on your own but now it’s time and you deserve some more help.  You say yourself that your earlier counselling helped but it wasn’t enough.

I know that there are long waiting lists for CBT and also know what you mean about not wanting to open a can of worms and about not wanting to meddle when the medication has managed to relieve some of the terribly paralysing and desolate symptoms of depression.  I do have a link to online CBT on the site that is recommended by GPs if you feel you’d like to do something online.
http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
 
There are lots of weekly depression groups that meet weekly that you may feel you want to go to.  You may go to a group one week if you’re feeling low and find that once you’ve been once you get so much out of it that you want to go more often even if you’re feeling a little better and not look at it as bringing you down.  I found that.  I found them very helpful.  Often there is a professional there to coordinate the group and offer advice.  It is amazing how articulate and helpful people can be who are experiencing similar things.  You may also find it a safe environment to go out to which may help with your fear of going out. The Depression Alliance has groups across the country. 

http://www.depressionalliance.org/how-we-can-help/self-help-groups.php

There are other details of support groups on the ‘I am depressed’ page on the site.

http://www.depressioncanbefun.com/index.php/depressed/category/helplines_and_support_groups/

It sounds like you have little time in your life to do or work out what makes you feel good.  When I was ill I used to like going to cafes and drinking cappuccino (and eating a muffin!) and watching the world go by,  sitting in the sunhsine with a cup of tea or coffee, or walking a friend’s dog by the water.  If I could get to a beach I used to love walking by the sea or just sitting on a rock being mesmerised by the sea.  If you know what makes you feel better or could think about what might make you feel better and try to fit it into your day on a regular basis, I feel sure it would help.

I know that you are feeling terrible right now but you may be closer to seeing the light than you know.  I used to think people were mad and didn’t understand (and they probably didn’t) when they used to say that there was light at the end of the tunnel but there is.  One thing we are guaranteed in life is change.  Things don’t stay the same.  You have had all your bad luck already.  I feel sure that the universe (or whatever is out there) has some good on it’s way to you so make sure you’re ready for it.

As Jamie says, you are not a bad mother.  I know lots of people who haven’t asked for help for fear of having their children taken away and they have suffered for a lot longer than they needed to because of that and now wish that they had sought help sooner.  I have never spoken to anyone who said they are pleased that they didn’t seek help for fear of losing their child.  No one I have ever known (and I’ve known a lot!) who has asked for help for depression and suicidal thoughts has had their child taken off them.  They know that the child is better off with its parent/s.

I used to see death as the only way out of the pain.  There is certainly nothing cowardly about killing yourself but please put those thoughts out of your mind until you’ve had some help with this terrible pain.  I tried to kill myself and woke up after many hours from unconsiousness and suddenly decided that I had to get better.  I couldn’t even kill myself properly!  You deserve to see and enjoy your little boy whom you’ve wanted for so long, grow up.  You want to be around when he has his children and is moaning to you about how he’s getting no sleep!  (Payback time as my dad says!)

Hang on in there.  Go to the doctor.  Write down everything you think of as you think of it up to a few days before you go to the doctor.  That way you’ll be able to read everything off your list and won’t miss anything out and you’ll both get the most from the appointment.

I was working at a voice hearing congress last week and one of the beautiful quotes they had at the end was ‘When it gets dark enough you can see the stars’.  I hope you see your stars very soon.  Thinking of you.  Helen

Hi Jamie, good to hear from you.  Absolutely fantastic news re your meds.  What an achievement!  And what is normal anyway?!  All the best, Helen