Today has been absolute hell. I’ve felt that things have definately been on the up, the absolute intolerable desperate feelings I’ve had SLOWLY faded, and then it was little tiny victories every day. Today however, has slid right back to the worst I was before. I slept badly last night - was gone 1 am before I went to sleep, then I woke up at half three, then lightly dozed afterwards. I can’t really remember sleeping - in the sense that your mind switches off or you dream. So I suppose the day was lost before it had even begun.

With feeling so bad I decided to not do any work or anything today, and just take it easy, reading, watching things I like on tv. So, today has been a bit of flashback to the way I felt before.

There was a few weeks of the moods slipping, then months of being down, getting progressively more intense and desperate, then a few weeks were things began to settle because I wasn’t in the problem any more.

On a brighter note, I have decided to try online counselling, and it’s taking hours to write the first email and explain everything, but I’m quite happy there’s an ‘outlet’ there. I get to take my time to ensure that somebody fully understands.

Hows is everyone today?

Hi Elril

I know exactly how you feel. I to keep slipping back just when I think I’m moving on. I have started to suffer with paranoia as well and my confidence is low again. I am terrified of the future and how I will provide for my family.

I’m thinking about things I could do to make a living but I know I need to get better first. I’m sick of the twitching from my legs it seems to drain the energy from me. I’ve only been up half an hour and it has already made me tired.

My memory is rubbish too - I can’t remember if I have taken my tablets - I know I got them out the packet but what happened next?

Can you tell me about the on-line counselling? Or give me the web address please.

I used to be so positive and driven - I don’t think I can be that person anymore - I don’t even know if I want to.

Do you take any sleeping tablets at all? MIne work a treat but I am very conscious of becoming addicted.

What are you planning today? I have a meeting this morning which I hope will focus me, and then being a rugby fan I have two games to watch today. I just hope I don’t spoil it and get worked up because I’m relaxing and become racked with guilt.

If I don’t hear from you hope you have an alright day.

Steve

No, I’m not taking any medication at all. I was taking St JOhns’s Wort but I rejected that as I became very aware of the fact I was taking 3 or 4 pills a day just to feel halfway normal. I used to say ‘It is not normal to feel this low’ in the hope that someone would just sit me down and coax it all out of me. Several times I reached the conclusion in my head that ‘I am going to book an appointment at the doctors TODAY, I’ve had enough’ but invariably, I’d put it off until everyone ws out of the house, or until the end of the week or whatever, so by the time I did go , with an emergency appointment, and told someone the full truth of what I was doing I had managed for months. I can’t remember exactly when I started feeling down, but I have notes in a diary from May where I was trying to figure stuff out. There was an appointment in May where one doctor suggested St Johns Wort, a follow up one, then the emergency one in December. So I figured that Id lived with feeling this low for long enough that I knew how to help myself. I came away from that appointment in December with a prescription for Prozac, which is still sat on the desk next to me, and a referral for counselling which was delayed by a fortnight because of the holidays.

If you out ‘online counselling’ in google you should find a site that says ‘The fellow travellor’ (spelling?)
one of the first ones up in the search. I was looking around for other options because I don’t want my parents to find out, and found myself returning to this site. There’s loads of couselling websites where you can get in touch with someone that lives/works near you, so its worth taking a while to look through if you’re considering counselling. Most peole are happy for you to just email/ring them and ask questions before you enter into any sort of agreement.

Will pop back on later - batteries dying!

Best Wishes to all

X

Steve, what sleeping tablets do you take?

Hi Elril

I take 20mg of Temazepam and 1mg of Lorazepam - I know I don’t want to get too used to taking them but they certainly got me sleeping again. I now have the confidence of knowing that when I go to bed I will sleep through. I had developed such a bad sleep pattern that I was defeating myself before I even got there.

Have you had a good day? Mine got better after a pretty rough start - seeing the Irish beat the French certainly helped. The trouble is I haven’t burnt any energy up today so I’m not sure how i’ll be later.

I hate Saturday nights - my partner normally goes to bed with the children - as she already has - and I sit and worry! This is a cycle that I know I have to break - by the time I go to bed I will have had so many negative thoughts I’ll be nicely set up for a crap Sunday.

Hope you have a good evening.

Steve