I’m 28 now and feel like my entire life has just been a massive failure.  I have been overprotected by my parents, bullied at school, never had one person I could look up to.  Being a Christian and having been brought up in church I have always led a morally correct life which has meant never drinking, smoking, taking drugs and saving sex for marriage.  I have had a few serious relationships and been on numerous dates with different girls but end of the day right now I am still single and painfully lonely and still waiting to experience sex with the right woman. 

I think ever since I was around 13/14 I have been battling a depression/sadness, a persistent negativity and anxiety which has stayed with me ever since.  I went to a great school and then finished university in 2005 with a theology degree and since then the only jobs I’ve ever done have been boring administration temp jobs, the longest of which lasted 4 months.  In total I’ve only worked about a year in total and so been out of work for a total of 6 years and counting.  This is NOT because I am lazy.  It is partly due to the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life along with this overwhelming sadness, apathy and a complete and utter lack of desire and interest to do anything.  I just don’t care about anything.  I have NEVER had a sense of ambition, I have no goals, no real aspirations, I just have nothing to live for, absolutely nothing.  Just feels like my entire life has been a complete waste and I keep thinking that the best thing to do would be to commit suicide.  I always thought that finding the right woman would give me a real purpose and happiness and joy in my life.  But that hasn’t happened and because I feel this way and never seem to get better, I fear I never will.  Because afterall, don’t they say you have to be happy with yourself and your situation and circumstances before you can be with someone.  Well if that’s the case I haven’t got a hope.  It already feels like I’ve missed the boat.  I have a good personality, I’m decent looking, I’m easy going and intelligent but that doesn’t seem to be enough.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve been on anti depressants, seen therapists, counsellors, career counsellors, spoken to career advisors, done career tests, written down all my interests and skills, voluntary work all in an attempt to make a decision on doing something, but I still can’t figure out why I seem paralysed and unable to move on with my life. The voluntary roles I had I just simply lost interest in.  The medication didn’t seem to alter my mood.  The career tests just made me go round in circles and the counsellors and therapists I saw actually made things worse.  There was only one counsellor who really understood me.  As a Christian I thought that at least my faith should give me hope to continue and to keep believing that God does have a plan for my life.  But due to all the rejection and setbacks over the years my Christian faith has suffered and now I hate God as a result. 

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??  Is it just severe depression or something else?

Obviously I have condensed my life story here in brief but from what you’ve read give me one good reason why I should not end my life?  I have absolutely nothing to live for whatsoever.  Despite my best efforts nothing ever seems to change, infact life just seems to get worse.  Not existing anymore seems to be a far better option than having to endure the pain and agony of having to face each day alone, empty and lost, without hope or purpose.  I know I need a focus, an aim, some sense that my life is going somewhere and that I have purpose but I have tried to find it for so many years and failed.  I am so fed up of it all.

Dear John, I can give you many many reasons why not to think about killing yourself. 
Have you considered using a Christian dating site to find a partner with the same beliefs as yourself?
You say you hate God yet you are still living your life according the faith which suggests there is still something there.  I hope you don’t mind me saying that.
If it’s right to you I feel sure that God would like it if you were to use your pain to help others or to counsel others or train in it.
Did you enjoy the type of voluntary work you speak of?  What about volunteering at some Christian youth clubs or events to meet like minded people rather than limiting your involvment with Christians to Church?
God would want you to be happy Paul. 
Would you consider or want to talk to a priest about how God would feel about having sex before marriage? I know you say that you don’t know what to do with your life but have you ever thought about what your ideal day would be Paul?  It might give you some idea of which way you would like your life to proceed.
Things could just be about to get a lot better Paul.  When I wanted to kill myself, I made myself a promise to try everything I could beforehand and if it didn’t work, I’d always have the option of killing myself.
You say you’ve spoken to lots of counsellors and taken medication.  I went through a lot of counsellors.  I think the right therapist is like a good friend - after all you have to feel comfortable opening up to them - and good friends are hard to find too but worth it when you do.  So please don’t give up if you think counselling could work for you or you’d like it to work.
Counselling may not be for you.  Maybe a network of friends would help you.  Depression itself is isolating.  What about joining a gym or an activity that would get you to meet other people?  My sister joined the group ‘Spice’ that organises lots of activities for people to meet and you don’t have to be single to join, it attracts lots of single people though but you don’t feel strained or any pressure.
We are here too Paul.  I never cease to be amazed at the support people give each other on this site.
Take care Paul and if you are feeling suicidal, please call the Samaritans immediately.  They are trained and confidential and there at the end of a phone 24/7.  You aren’t alone Paul. Never feel alone.  There are lots of people here and out there to meet.  You might really like some of them and one in particular but if you’re not here you’ll never meet them.  We can’t change the past, but we can make a better future Paul.
Thinking of you.  Helen

Dear John,
I am sorry I don’t have time to write a long reply but I couldn’t read your post and not say something.
I do hope you’re ok - I notice that you posted a few days ago and haven’t replied since so if you could even just put a short post on to let us know how you’re doing, I would really appreciate it.
I know that you need to want to live for you, and I really hope you can get to a point where you do, but in the meantime, maybe just focus on people you care about and try to keep on living for them, just in the short term.  I think you would be surprised how many lives you touch and how many people would be devastated if anything should happen to you.  If you could keep on living for the sake of others, I am sure you could manage to reach a point where you want to live for you, too (that is what I do, and I am always glad eventually that I did not do anything awful).  As Helen says, join clubs where you might meet people- it might be hard at first but you’ll feel so much better for going, and maybe do try a dating site - I did and although I did not meet my now-husband this way, I some interesting dates!
And you say you are easy going, intelligent etc…well it sounds like you will make someone a lovely partner/husband one day….so keep on living for that poor girl who will remain alone if you don’t get out there and meet her!
Very best wishes,
Lizzie