HI
Here I am again in my husbands next bout of depression.  I just dont know what to do anymore.  To give you a background, my husband became depressed on our honeymoon - his mum had just had a masectomy and he we came back from our honeymoon and went into a mild depression.  I thought it was a low mood considering what was happening and we managed to get through it.  I became pregnant with my first child who was then diagnosed with cancer at 4 weeks old.  At this point my husbands mum was terminally ill in the hospice, his dad had kidney cancer and was in the same hospital as we were.  Thankfully our son is had an op and was given an all clear however, my husbands mum died 6 weeks later and his dad died 5 months later. 

My husband slipped into a deep depression - which I could understand at the time and did everything I could to help him through it.  We went onto have 3 children in the end and love them all dearly.

In between then and now he is had two other incidents of depression and I have supported him through it - going through the sleepless nights, the agression, the needyness.

He is now going into the next depression.  Recently he was called into the office at work and told that he needs some training and they want to move him on with his job.  This has really knocked him for six.  He cannot sleep and all the classic signs of depression are back.  He has visited his GP and has now been given anti-depressents.

The problem I think is me.  I feel so angry with him.  How can he do this again.  All that has happened is that he will be getting more training and his company want to invest in him but he just cannot see the positive in it at all.  In fact he will probably end up loosing his job because he has so gone to pieces. 

I am really worried about the impact this will have on the kids - will they end up being like him - lack of confidence and avoiding new things - i am so trying to push them and improve their confidence but I am getting tired now of trying and being the one holding things together all the time.

Does anyone know if its true if you have been depressed are you always going to have bouts of depression?  I really feel like I am letting him down but I just dont know how to continue or how I can help him anymore.

He is still going to work, I dont think he will kill himself but I am now feeling he enjoys being like this…..

Dear Jolou,
I can only speak as a depression sufferer Jolou but I look at depression as an untamed beast that can be controlled and even locked up.  It takes time and effort to learn how to do it but there is help out there in the form of talking therapies to show your husband how to do that.  Counselling, psychiatry, psychology, hypnotherapy are all forms of therapy that can help either on their own or in combination.  Cognitive Behavoural Therapy is the most common therapy for depression. 
I was in denial for a long time and refused to admit that anything was wrong or go to see my doctor but now see that if I had gone to my doctor sooner, I could have avoided a lot of pain for my husband and myself and I would have got better a lot sooner.  If he hasn’t already, your husband should see his GP about his depression and ask to be referred for therapy . Many surgeries now have Primary Care Nurses who can assess the patient immediately. 
Depression is a very selfish illness.  You can throw everything you have into looking after someone with depression and it will never be enough.  As the carer, you are just left feeling drained and helpless yourself.  You also have 3 children who need your support.  Do make sure that you get time to nurture yourself.  You can’t do all the caring without looking after yourself.  Carers Direct set up a helpline on the 1st April this year offering all kinds of support for carers.  It is too easy for the weight and stress of the responsibility, worries, fears and problems of the carer to be discounted or taken for granted. 
As for your question; ‘Will someone who has suffered from depression always suffer from depression?’ - I now only suffer badly from depression probably 2 days a month but I know what to do and what works for me and I do it when I feel myself slipping into depression.  Rather like recognizing the signs of a migraine, with the correct preventitive action you can prevent the full onset of a migraine, when I recognize the signs of my depression, I put my plan into action to stop the depression from taking hold.  It is very tempting to go to bed which is what a lot of depressed people want to do but I know that it doesn’t work.  I’ve tried it for years and never woken up feeling any better so I have an action plan that I have found works for me.  A therpist can help your husband with this.  Often we know ourselves best and we can adapt what we have learned to suit our own needs.
I am sure that no-one who suffers from depression ever wants to be depressed but I have to say that when the I was coming out of the worst of my depression, I did find myself in the habit of going to bed when I felt down.  I ‘could’ be down in the presence of my husband because he was used to it and almost expected it of me.  It’s like anything, you get used to it.  If you’ve done something for a long time, even if you don’t like it, you get used to it.  If you learn something new that feels much better and practise it regularly, you can get used to that too and that will become your new habit and be much more helpful and productive.
It also sounds like your husband’s initial onset of depression was circumstancial. The events in your lives caused it initially which probably means that he had lived in a different state for most of his life to that point.  This suggests that with the right help to change his thought patterns, he can return to that state.
I am sure that someone better qualified than myself will respond to you Jolou but I just wanted to share my experiece with you in the hope that it helps somewhat.  Keep well yourself and I wish you all the best.  Helen

I suffered from depression from the age of 16. I am now 44 and have NOT had a bout of it in 11years. I never took drugs. I just decided to change my environment. I thought If i put a plant in the shade it would wilt and die. If I put it on a sunny windowsil it would bloom. So I headed for the sun ‘I quit my job and changed all the negatives in my life to positives. I went to university and got a degree and changed direction. I walked away from all the people who caused me to be sad and focused on the good kind people and changed my lifestyle completely. I did read Susan jeffers feel the fear and do it anyway before I decided to change my lifestyle she gave me courage. Anyway IT worked . Instead of beating myself up for what i hadn’t done I patted myself on the back and congratulated myself. So what I am saying is what I most feared was actually my salvation. i.e no job and no awkward friends. I began to love what is embraced the fear and took positive action. That’s my tale. What I wanted to say is yes depression can go away. It can come back as well. However people can change for the better. Hang in there hug hug. My depression was my greatest teacher because now I appreciate how lucky I am not to be depressed and I don’t take people for granted or moan as much as i used to.

Jolou

Hi

Depression will keep surfacing throughout life if their coping strategies to stress have not been improved since he was first diagnosed.  We get depressed when we cannot cope, for some this can last a moment, for others it can be a lot longer.  We follow patterns that are familiar, unfortunately these can be negative patterns too, but everything can be changed and your husband is no exception, he just needs better coping strategies.  He can get these from his counsellor or maybe he should try going to see an NLP or Hypnotherapist. 

As for you, I have a message for you from your guardian angel, I hope you believe in this, so here goes: I can completely see why you are so frustrated and worried, but your husband is not as strong as you yet, and I say yet, because things are going to change.  Your husband’s needs are draining on you, but that is because you have good coping strategies, it is just your perception that needs to change.  You cannot put your husband in your shoes and I am sure he cannot fit into yours.  He feels so much pressure on him and he doesnt want to let you down again.  He has no confidence and feels like he is not up to the job and doesnt know how he has got away with not being sacked.  He has no high regard for himself and doesnt understand why you stay.  It is such a shame he feels so isolated, but this is temporary if he gets the right help.

As for the children, they are going to be fine, you are a wonderful mother and they will get their strength from you.  Your Angel is not worried about your children at all, she is saying this is all character building and will teach them about how to cope in times of stress.  Your children are protected from your husband’s depression and to make sure I am sending you protective shield via your guardian angel, so they will be doubly protected and not affected by all this.  Your guardian angel tells me that all your children have very positive energy forces - so dont worry.

However, you are affected and maybe you need time out, a trip to the beauty salon or hairdressers.  Nothing permanent, but take a little time to yourself and think about what you would like to do, instead of living through this situation constantly which would put a strain on anyone.  Please dont give up on your relationship or your husband as with a little patience and understanding which you do have, things can get better. 

You are not on your own, and I will send you some healing and positive energy to boost your energy levels to feel better about yourself and your situation. 

Good luck

Love Greenlady

isn’t it lovely to meet beautiful caring people on this web site.

Yes, it is lovely that people care, just as you do

I dont know if you believe but my guide is telling me that there are great things happening with you at the moment, so hold on to that roller coaster because it is going your way and you are going to get the ride of your life.  I am not sure if a loved one is going to make a different too, but you are going to be loved up totally by Christmas, and if that is too far away for you, somebody in red is going to make a difference in your life in the next month.

Have fun

Love Greenlady

Thank you for your beautiful words of wisdom. Giving me your support. I respect your kindness for telling what you see. Thank you Chloe

Depressed people will likely experience unpleasant moods, thoughts and self-perception. A depressed person may have difficulty making decisions - day-to-day tasks of paying bills, caring for children, meeting people and making telephone calls may seem overwhelming.

If the following symptoms are present each day for a few weeks; and interfere with daily activities such as work, self-care, child-care, sleep or social life; please consider getting professional help:or you can also control it via natural methods like exercise, balanced diet ,reading nice books,controlling on your thoughts.
I have also met a person who is also a depression patient and working in a website hosting company and I seen that he recover hmself.

I try to turn sadness around now. It’s up to me if i treat myself well or badly. Pat myself on the back instead of beating myself up. I say to myself stop being horrid to my friend Chloe (I need to stop being horrid to me I don’t deserve it). I also exercise ’ am I bothered ’ from the Catherine tat show. Nobody can get to the school girl because she is not bothered when situations and people hurt me I now say ‘am I bothered ?’ then say ‘no !!! ’  that strong word no helps. I also say to myself when I am worried or scared about things it’s not my fault then i say it’s nobodys fault. If Nobody takes the blame and everybody remains blameless. That helps me too. Blameless shameless stops me feeling guilty. We are all blameless shameless because depression is an illness not a sin.

Hi you guys can you help Tulytops - her post, need a bit of advice please

her post reads as follows - Hi, need some advice please. My husband has diagnosed with depression. he is on alot of pills olanzapine, trazadone, diazapan, he is also off work and attending cbt and other stuff 4 days a week. we hae only been married 6 months and have 5 kids. I’m finding life very hard and dont know how to cope. He is very critical, blames me for alot of things and cries often. I love him very much but it is getting very hard. He goes out or spends most of his time alone in his room. I feel like my husband has died and all that is left is a smoking miserable man who makes me cry and blames me or the kids for how he feels. This all sounds very selfish of me cos i know hes very poorly. He doesnt like me to text or call friends as it makes him paranoid so i feel very lonely. I only get a break at work as i work for two hours a day in a school. Can anyone please give me some advice?

Please pop over and help her Xx Chloe