I feel absolutely desperate and suicidal.I felt like this before.I cant see any way out.I know all the advice,but things don’t seem to change.I dont think anyone really understands how I feel.I only live for my grandson who stays with me during the school holidays.If I lived nearer him and we could see each other every week I could cope,but for 10 years every time he goes back   I feel real grief. My Mother died when I was in my early teens and thats when I first had depression.Throughout my life I have suffered from it.I have a lot of problems and made a lot of wrong choices because of it. I am now having to face divorcing my husband. I have financial problems and keep getting   phonecalls and letters threatening to take me to court.I now have a good doctor and I am on antidepressants and I am going to see a cousellor again on Friday. I am 58 years old now and I am getting tired of all this.On top of of all this I have 2   neighbours who keep ringing me up and coming round but they dont help. If only I had some money,I would move away nearer my grandson. He has mild autism and is such a sweet boy.\\\\\\\\he hates school and my daughter is hoping to get him into a special needs school after the summer holidays. People just say oh they dont live that far away but I havent a car.

Hi Cathy

You are really having a tough time. Anyone who says ‘snap out of it’ have no idea at all. The dark place where we are is an awful experience, I would say probably the worst place you can be. I lost one of my sons to Meningitis several years ago and I put my depression along side that pain.

You seem to have so many difficult things to cope with right now. I wont try and give advice, I’m sure you have plenty coming in all directions. It’s good that you are getting medical help. Counseling is good to, it certainly gives me something to aim for each week.

Try and forget the suicidal thoughts, I too know that is hard, but think of the devastation it would cause to those around you - especially your lovely grandson, who loves you unconditionally. Be strong.

Thinking of you.

Steve

Dear Steve     thank you so much for your reply> i can hardly imagine the pain of losing your son>thats what people dont understand i am so afraid of anything happening to my grandson>i dont think i could go on>thank you also for not offering advice>thinking of you too

Hi again, i’m normally fast asleep by now but I felt that I wanted to just add one other thing - just how lucky you your grandson is to have a grandma (or nan) that obviously thinks the world of them and also that you are able to spend time with him - even though it’s not as much as you would like. My children see very little of their grandparents and I think it is a real loss not only for them but for my children. I believe that through all of the bad days and dark moments there is always a little bit of happiness somewhere - and your love to him is worth everything that you are going through.

I hope I sleep well now!

Night x

Dear Steve Thank you for your reply.I hope you slept well.My children grew up with no grandparents on my side and I always thought it was a great loss for all of us.I think thats one reason I try to make the most of my grandson. If you need to talk about anything,I am a good listener.I feel a bit better and stronger now. Best Wishes, Cathy.

Hi Cathy, I have read your story and wanted to introduce myself.  I agree with steve. Think about how your grandson would feel to lose such a lovely close person to him - his nanny.  Pleasedon’t do that to him , he wouldn’t cope especially with his autism.  My son we think has asbergers and he is 4 the only thing that stopped me from hanging myself was him…
Although my life is still a mess and the fact we are about to announce ourselves bankrupt, i feel we are turning a new leaf and having a fresh start.  If you go onto a site for bankrupsy (MARTIN LEWIS BANKRUPSY) It will show you how straight forward it actually id.  Could you not move closer to your daughter?  Could she put you up for a few months until you get on your feey?  Are you lonley maybe?  Go onto a dating website and maybe just chat to other users, you would be amased how great it is to hear from people and meet up for a coffee.  You need to distract yourself and do something for yourself for a change.  Turn your life around.  Your husband once married you didnt he?  Then there is every possible chance for you to even have a few friends on a web site.  There are lots of people who are in your osition.  Never say never.  Change your life, you can do it, if I can so can you…..... please take my advise you will never look back..I promise let me know how you get on .XXXXX You are welcome to read my story “caught in a trap”...