Hi, I’m new here.  I was diagnosed with depression just before last Christmas, looking back, my condition worsened over about 18 months but finally came to a head when I found that I was unable to function on a very basic level; I couldn’t read, I couldn’t work out how to open the door at work and I was even struggling to speak - I felt like a sack of spuds! 

I was offered counselling by my employer (for 6 sessions) which I attended whilst I tried 3 different medications - I really struggled with 2 due to palpitations and visual disturbances etc. The meds my GP gave me 4 weeks ago have had no detrimental effects and I’ve been doing pretty well.  I can’t say I feel brilliant but I’m functioning well most of the time.

I’m due to see my GP this week - my sick note runs out on Friday but I’m really anxious about returning to work, primarily because my job is very stressful.  I had a meeting with our HR rep about 10 weeks ago, we discussed how my workload could be reduced and the other contributing factors.  I was promised that major change was about to happen (a ‘keep the faith’ speech) but I’ve not heard anything from her since; a colleague told me that nothing has changed. 

I experienced what I can only describe as a melt-down a couple of days ago when I was confronted with a stressful situation.  I know I will have to return to work but I don’t know if I am ready to return or if I can ever face that job again.

Do you think it’s wise to return if my employer doesn’t make the necessary changed to support me?  :S

Hello S, given that your employer is aware of your situation as you’ve been totally open with them, they have a duty of care for you at work and getting back to work.  There should be co ordination on a ‘back to work’ plan that could involve a gradual return to work or something that both you and your employer feel comfortable with.  If you don’t feel ready to go back to work at all right now, you could discuss this with your GP and extend your sick note.
Do you know what led you here?  You say that you felt yourself slipping a good 18 months earlier than you sought help.  Can you pinpoint what caused your deterioration?  Often illness has a way of shedding what isn’t helping us when we probably know what isn’t helping us but feel we can’t do anything about it or maybe when we don’t even know what it is that isn’t helping us.
It’s a terrible feeling that you wouldn’t wish on anyone but can be an opportunity to work out and have some breathing space to think about how you would like your life to be and what you’d like to do and when you feel up to it take baby steps towards it.  If it’s in a direction of where you want to be, the steps don’t seem so massive.
I am glad that you are feeling a little better on your medication.  Hang on in there S and do be in touch.  I’m sure you’ll get some amazing help from others on the site who’ve been through similar situations.  A gentleman called Karma on the site has been through a very similar situation to you and did very well with a phased return to work.  Maybe reading some of his posts about it may be helpful to you.
I know what you mean about the simplest senses leaving you during meltdown.  I experienced that too and it’s very frightening what fear and depression can do to you isn’t it.  Take care S. Thinking of you.  Helen

Thanks, I’ve read Karma’s posts, it’s nice to see that you are not alone. 

I went into work today and visited my occ. health nurse and personnel manager.  I explained what had caused my illness and that the main problem was a gradual increase in my work-load; when I was promoted I was expected to continue performing my old tasks on top of my new ones and as people have left they haven’t been replaced.  I told them that my boss had actually laughed at me when I asked for his help, that was the final straw.

I told my employer that in the future I want to be able to concentrate on my job and I asked them to review my job description with me and set clear objectives for me and my department.  It’s not just me that has been suffering - I haven’t been able to spend time with my staff to train them so I was in a vicious circle, I had to do all the work and they didn’t have the skills to help me so they were frustrated. 

We have agreed that I should have a phased return to work, working alternate day’s for now (short days aren’t really an option for me because transport is a problem).  I won’t be doing my normal job during this period, I’ll be only be doing one set task with no management responsibilities.  So if my GP agrees I will be starting back on Monday. 

I found it really hard to get through the meeting and I know my employer knows that, (I suppose my mascara running down my face was a clear enough indicator!) but at least I feel like I have made a major step in the right direction. 

Thanks for your Kind words

Hello S, my name’s Will.  I was off work for a couple of months with depression nearly 2 years ago now.  Work was totally responsible but I couldn’t see a way out.  I went to my GP who gave me a sick note for a week that kept getting renewed and built up to 2 months very quickly.  I ended up leaving my job after nearly 20 years and couldn’t imagine anything else but a friend of mine asked me to go into his business one day to give him some professional advice and help out for a few days and I’m still there nearly 2 years later and feeling much happier about life.  I’m not as financially secure or well off but I’m not stressed, I don’t have tingling arms, a banging heart and I get to see my kids which I have come to realise are all more important.  You take care of yourself and the best of luck in whatever you decide and find is ight for you.  It sounds like you’ve been very proactive in organising your phased return to work.  You sound like an great lady.  Take care.  Best, Will.

Thank you! xx
I’m contemplating leaving my job and re-training but I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up lol! 

I’ve had some good news today, I’ve accepted an offer on my house so that will be one less mill stone soon, we’ve bought a narrowboat so the bills will be minimal when the house has gone and I will be able to afford to take a leap in a completely new direction soon.  In the interim period - here’s to hoping monday goes ok.  S

Wow S, the fact you arranged, attended and got through all those appointments - with or without your mascara smudging - is amazing.  It’s up to your employer now to make your work life better.  You’ve been totally honest and given them the head’s up so the ball is in their court and maybe give yourself some time to see if it’s enough to change your attitude at work.  Maybe think of a time limit in your head to make your mind up.  That can take any immediate pressure off you as in the back of your mind you can be thinking that if it doesn’t work or make a difference, you always have the option to leave.  On the other hand, it may make all the difference and you may want to stay. 
Great news re the offer on your house and living on a narrow boat.  Just being near water calms the soul.  So living on it you should be horizontal!
Have a lovely weekend S.  I wouldn’t even think about Monday until it’s here.  I find I’m much more rested and ready if I do that and it’s AGES away anyway!
Thinking of you.  Helen

Hello S, been thinking about you today and hoping it went well.  Best wishes, Helen

How’d it go today S?  Will

Hello S

I’m sorry I haven’t been on the site for a little while and that I’ve missed your message.

I thought I’d begin my post by introducing myself and giving you a little background to my situation.

My depression started about a year ago. It wasn’t caused by work but instead by a betrayal by what was once one of my oldest and most trusted friends. Even now he continues to harass me and persists in trying and turn mutual friends against me with a mixture of exaggerations, half-truths and complete distortions of the truth. I now know how malicious and vindictive he can be and how ludicrous his allegations are, but his on going attempts to discredit me still manage to bring me down. Thankfully, these episodes are nowhere near as bad as they were and only last for a few days.

When he first ranted at me so vehemently, it shook me to the very core and completely shattered my self-belief that, although there was probably room for improvement, I was basically a thoughtful, kind and reasonably well-liked person. So much so, that I that I was completely unable to function normally in any area of my life to the point I couldn’t even remember which was my normal rubbish bin and which was the recycling one.  Understandably going to work was out of the question. 

I was originally signed off work for two weeks but my return to work approached I was genuinely terrified, so I had to pluck up the courage to go back to my GP and ask for another three weeks off. I found my GP very sympathetic and he was happy to give me this extra time off.  Again as my return to work date approached, I still couldn’t face the prospect of going into the office and my GP agreed to sign me off for another three weeks.

With a week left to go of the three, I went back to my GP again to discuss my options, one of which was a phased return. The suggestion was that, initially I would work for three mornings per week for a couple of weeks and then gradually increase my hours each week until I could return full time. My GP said if work would not agree to that, or if they put too much pressure on me, he would simply sign me off again.

Fortunately my employer was very understanding and was content to give me all the time I needed. 

As Helen said, especially now you have told your employer that you are ill, they have a duty of care towards you and are legally obliged to try and help you. 

Please don’t be afraid of asking your GP for more time off if you think you need it. If, in the unlikely event they are refuse to help, simply register with a different practice that employs a GP that understands how horrible this illness can be.

I hope this helps in someway.

Wishing all the very best,

Karma

Well I’ve done two days, I found work quite a buzz on Monday but I felt very wound up and stressed by the evening and slept badly.  Today was more difficult, I found it difficult to concentrate by mid morning and writing with a pen very difficult, but I managed to type (sort of) - go figure!?!  Now I have a stinking headache and I’m looking forward to tomorrow off.  The task agreed by me and my employer is still quite intense I suppose, I’m not sure right now that it will work out ok.

I’m lucky to have a supportive husband, he’s happy for me to give up my job which I am seriously considering.  As Helen recommended I’m going to give it 4 weeks before I re-evaluate, hopefully my house might be sold by then so I won’t be under any significant financial pressure.

Thank you again for your kindness and support - It’s very much appreciated.
S

Dear S, that sounds like a good plan.  Good news on the offer on your house.  I did that too.  I made and make every effort to remove from my life and reduce what I can control that stresses me.  First of all it makes me feel in control and secondly I feel less anxious and less worried about the future.  Take care S.  Have a good week.  Will

Hi Bear and All,

I’m also a newbie here so please excuse me if this has been covered many times before….

I’m thrilled to hear that you have managed to get back to work, if only for a few days. But I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me returning to work?

I had my dream job 18 months ago (I was a flight attendant for a major airline) and unfortunately I developed extreme anxiety and a fear of being away on my own. Despite counselling and being grounded by the airline, I really didn’t get any better and had to make the rather painful and difficult decision to leave. I remained positive and saw it as a new chapter in my life and was fortunate enough to get a customer service job, office based. I have been there for over 15 months now and despite giving it time and effort, I’m really not suited to it at all. I joined the ranks of people looking for jobs four months ago and wasn’t particularly successful. In the meantime my partners company looks very shakey and they are living one day from the next. I told myself I was lucky to have a stable job and to get on with it - which I managed to do quite well for about a month. Unfortunately the anxiety and depression really did come back and bite me in the bum and like Bear, I really couldn’t do the most simple task. I work in a complaints call centre which I find incredibly negative and to be honest quite soul destroying. My manager was very good and took me off the phones but this just caused the rest of my team to get very spiteful with me and I wasn’t supported. I’ve been signed off for three weeks and am still having anxiety attacks - most of which are due to me worrying about going back to work. I’ve just recently started studying counselling as an Open University course which I love and has really helped with my depression (It’s where I discovered your website Helen!) but it will be many years (and expense which I don’t have) until I qualify. However, I really don’t know what to do about my job situation. It’s a call centre - so the job is all about the phones - which causes the anxiety and negativity so there really isn’t anyway of me still doing the job without being on the phones. My partner, while supportive about my depression, is obviously very concerned about money and me having a stable job. I feel like I’ve exhausted all avenues of ideas and really don’t where to turn.

Helen - I’ve read that you had a stressful, high powered job in the city and now work for the NHS. Would you be able to give me any advice as to how to make that transition? I really feel that for my own mental state of mind I need to find a more positive, rewarding job but have no idea how to go about it….

Can anyone help? Please?

Hello Bumblebee, it sounds like you’re living up to your screen name, given all the flying around you’re doing trying to .  I admire you for taking action when you recognised and accepted that you weren’t feeling well.  It really suggests that you are doing everything you can to change your life and situation to find a life and job that works for you. Something must not have been working in your life for you to start to feel ill and you’re trying to find out what that is.  Has the doctor offered you any more counselling over and above the few sessions that you had through work?  If not, would you like some more support?  I found local support groups helpful to talk to like minded people.
I’m glad you found us on your OU course.  Another person has said that we are mentioned on her OU course which I didn’t know but I’m very pleased and honoured about.  Well done you for embarking on a counselling course.  I know that that’s a lot of work and money.  Have you heard about and considered doing counselling and training through ‘peer suppoprt work?  The NHS offer training with a job as a peer support worker at the end of it.  I think the course is a few days a month over a few months with an essay to write at the end.  Peer support is counselling by people who have experienced and been through depression and mental illness.  I would have found that sort of counselling very helpful when I was ill as I find that it makes a difference to be helped and listened to by someone who really understands.  I know that the Notts Healthcare Trust offer such training and jobs and think that it’s an idea that is being embraced by all the Trusts.  I actually went along to an interview for the course and the job a couple of years ago but didn’t end up doing it as I felt that I wouldn’t be able to commit to a full time job at the end of it given the other things I do.
Apart from your job, do you do things for yourself too though and are you kind to yourself?  I now try to make sure that I look after myself and stop my inner critic when I notice it beating me up.  I think a lot of us give ourselves too much of a hard time.  Goodness knows we don’t need anyone else to do it as we do it to ourselves. 
I’m glad you’ve got an understanding partner.  It’s not easy when you’re both concerned about job security and finances.  I find that I worry a lot too but now I try to on worry about what I can control, not worry too much about the future and stay away from imagining and worrying about the worst case scenario because for one thing the worst scenario rarely happens and two; if it were to happen, by the time it did I’d be so exhausted from worry I wouldn’t be capable of doing much about it.
When I was trying to make the transition from working in the city to now, I knew that I wanted to set up the website to help people so I thought I’d do that and then go back to full time work.  Then I was asked to write my book as a guide to back up the website so I did that and thought I’d go back to full time work after that.  Now I’m trying to get a mood cafe off the ground and I work with the NHS and independent charities and groups in mental health and that takes up my time so I won’t get back to the city now.  So I really just fell into what I’m doing now which I know was very lucky and I wish the same luck for you.  You’re trying so hard so I’m sure you’ll end up doing what makes you happy.  I believe in inviting things into your life.  For example, if you want to be a counsellor I believe in imagining myself doing just that.
I went to a talk by a famous psychiatrist once who said that it helps to imagine your ideal day to find out what you want to do in life.  He used a client of his as an example. He had a failed author as a clilent who he asked to describe his ideal day.  His client described his ideal day as waking up on his own island, breakfasting with celebrities, sailing on his own yacht to another island to have lunch with the Spice Girls (this was a few years ago!) and dancing the afternoon away with the rich and famous.  Not once did this man mention his writing.  The psychiatrist said that this meant that his client didn’t really want to be an author.  He just saw it as a way of becoming rich to finance the lifestyle he wanted which is why he wasn’t successful at his writing.  It has helped quite a few people I know to try to imagine their ideal day to get to what they want to do. 
I hope you feel you can recharge and nuture yourself during your time off work.  There are some relaxation podcasts on the site to listen to to enduce calm and there’s an article on the home page about anxiety and stress if you feel like reading it.  In the meantime, take care and I hope you get lots of support from people on the site.  Thinking of you.  Best wishes, Helen

Hi Helen,

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. It really is so inspirational and heart warming to meet people like yourself who have been through so much and have come out the other side as a happier person.

I didn’t know about the local trusts offering training with peer support at the end and this is definitely something for me to look into as a way into counselling and helping others. I loved your story about the author and the Spice Girls lunch – it really made me chuckle!. I am a firm believer in making things happen for yourself and have already proved that once with the flying job. I was a very quiet and studious at school and on first appearances you would never think I would be the type to want to be a flight attendant. But I did and I worked hard applying to all the airlines and gaining experience and took many knockbacks. However it paid off and I worked for a major airline and was in my element so I know I can do it again

I have just had a call from a lovely lady at Talking Therapies and I have been referred for CBT (which I have had before) but have to wait another two weeks. I would like to chat to other people in my area as I agree it is incredibly helpful to talk to other people who know what you’re going through but are not aware of any local groups. Do you know how I would go about finding them?

Thank you once again for your response and for the wonderful website. I’m sure you have been told this many, many times before but it really is an absolute godsend and please keep up your amazing work.

Warmest regards, Bumblebee

Hi Bumblebee, I just read your posts and wanted to let you know that I too am a much happier person now.  I had a job that I enjoyed for many years but which changed a lot and became a very different job in a very different company to the one I joined and wanted to work for.  There was bullying and back stabbing and the workloads were just not manageable without working 7 days a week and being on call all night.  I was living on my nerves and getting tingling in my arms and chest and couldn’t bear my phone.  I used to feel physically sick when it rang and still do two years after leaving the job.  I was signed off work by my doctor and just over 2 months after that I left work.  I didn’t know what I was going to do for money and was very worried as I had two children to support.  A mate asked me to go into his workplace to help with some stock taking given my background and I’m still there 2 years later.  Sometimes things really do come along for the better and things happen for a reason.  I have a feeling it will be like that for you too.  I hope so.  Take care Bumblebee.  Good luck with finding what makes you tick, your counselling and your course.  Best, Will

Hi Bumblebeee, The Depression Alliance have weekly support groups in most towns.  You can find the nearest one to you via this link:  http://www.depressionalliance.org/docs/what_we_offer/self_help_groups.html
There is also information about local support groups in your local library, GP surgery or local paper.  When I lived in Petersfield I set up my own group by advertising it in a local paper.  The group is still going 8 years later which is lovely.  You may not feel up to starting your own group but shouldn’t have to.  There will probably already be one, it’s just a matter of finding it.  Best of luck with that Bumblebee.  You take care.  Best wishes, Helen