Some of the posts on this forum are so impressive!  There are so many good, patient people out there.  My specific problem is that I really resent the fact that my partner of 19 years monopolises most of the time we’re together with depression.  I’m used to it, I have a number of strategies for trying to get my partner through hard times, but most of them don’t work, or at least not very often.  There are good objective reasons for this depression, but it seems to me that overcoming those reasons would require my partner to look inside their own head, something they will not do.  I no longer feel that I have an easy answer to the question “Do you love your partner?”  I begrudge all the evenings spent trying to lift the clouds and being told that it’s all my fault anyway.

Does anyone else feel those things?  Would it be more help if I tried to be more of a better person and just tried harder?  One friend says I should be more demanding of my partner.  Would that help either of us?

Hello Reindeer, I feel for you and the tough time you’re going through.  Caring isn’t easy is it and it’s not a role you interviewed for in a relationship.  I will never forget reading a carer’s comments in an article from a book that depression is a selfish illness and a like a black hole.  The carer said that you can throw as much as you have got into it and more and it will never be enough.  The carer said that the carer should only give what they can give without jeapordising their own health and wellbeing.  Carers are rarely so by choice yet they find themselves sacrificing so much and coping alone.  A friend once said to me that the host needs to nurture itself to be able to feed all the parasites!  Rather a strange analogy I know but I know what she means and I think you will.  So one shouldn’t feel guilty about taking time for oneself and having a life too.  This could help the resentment which you are understandably feeling.  Your partner would benefit too.
I read in a book, Sunbathing in the rain, that the best thing a carer can do for their patient is to reassure them that it’s ok to be depressed and that you are there for them.  That way the patient can get on with their own recovery without the additional guilt they feel for others.  Guilt is a common symptom of depression.  The person often feels worthless, guilty and like people around them would be better off without them.
Unfortunately no one can bring someone out of depression other than the person themselves.  A carer can exhaust themselves trying but you want to be in a good place when they do come out of it and not exhausted and suffering from depression yourself.
Take care Reindeer.  Thinking of you.
Best wishes, Helen

Thank you, Helen.  That is really helpful.

If anyone else has comments, I’d be really glad to read them.

Reindeer

Bloody hell that is a long time to care for someone with depression and you need a medal hun.

I understand your frustration and although it is very good that you support your partner, you also have to think about your own needs and desire too. 

So as much as I can say to continue to support your partner I cannot emphasis enough that you need some tlc too.  So how about a spa day for yourself and a friend or a round of golf. 

Where are your friends and family to support you.  I would suggest you take some time out for yourself so you dont end up resenting your partner. 

Coffee with friends, drinks in the pub, you are not deserting your partner, you just need time to recharge your batteries so you can come back feeling pumped up again.

Self preservation is key to any successful relationship and you need to get energised.

Loving your partner can only be done if you love yourself first, so empower yourself with hobbies that dont involve your partner.  They can join you if they wish, but I suggest you take some time away from them just for your own sanity. 

Please take some time out for just you.  Whether it be a day, an evening or a couple of hours a week and you will reap the benefits for sure.

Good Luck

Sending you some energy and comfort and this time

Liz xxx

Hello Reindeer, Will here.  I have to say that when my partner is very down and in her bed I go out now.  She wants me too as she says she feels more guilty if I stay in.  Sometimes she decides when we are just going out of the door to see friends that she needs to go to bed and doesn’t come out with me.  It used to really upset me or sometimes make me angry but now I just take it as the way it is and I don’t let it spoil my time. 
It can be really hard can’t it.  My partner has been depressed since we met 8 years ago but certainly not as long as you.  I love her for all her facets now.  Often she’s funny, she’s kind and she’s not in her bed all the time although she can dip all of a sudden. 
I feel for you if your partner’s depression is constant and always so deep but I will say that you’ll get no thanks from your carer if you get ill as you won’t be able to care for them so please nurture and look after yourself.  It helped me with resentment I was beginning to feel when I used to cancel my plans when my partner was down.  I hope that helps a bit Reindeer.  Take care.  All the best, Will

Thanks to Greenlady and to Will.  Seems everyone agrees that carers need to take care of themselves and give themselves time away from caring, and I do that - even though perhaps I feel a bit guilty about it.  I think the worst thing for me is that I wanted my marriage to be the most important thing in my life, and that just doesn’t seem to be possible.  My partner has many projects in which I am involved, but mainly because my help is needed with them.  I think the real point of these projects is to distract my partner from the pain of depression.  I can see that it’s useful for my partner, but they take a lot of time and energy and they’re not always very interesting for me.  What is the central project to me - being partners - is only important to my partner when I’m needed.  Often my partner threatens to leave me or says that the only reason to stay is that there is nowhere else to go.  What should I do?  Any suggestions?

Hi Clinging on, it is so cruel that the people lash out and hurt the people who are kindest and love them the most.  Maybe it’s because they feel safe to do so but it doesn’t make it ok.  It still hurts and words can’t be taken back.  My partner does that and then apologises but I still feel crap even though she feels better after feeling sorry.  I don’t really know what the answer is but it bothers me too.  I’ll think on and come back to you.  Hang on in there for now.  Will

Hi Reindeer and Will

Can totally understand where you’re coming from!  I call my husband ‘my dark little cloud’ (or large depending on how much food he is shoving into his body) that unfortunately likes to follow me around.  ‘I should come out with you, it makes me feel better.’  Great!  I think, it doesn’t make me feel better!  Also, Will, I know what you mean, my husband always behaves more normally and seems happier after he’s had a rant at me.  I know he’s not in a good place, and it isn’t really him, but I remember the words and they hurt.

It is so good to know that it is not just me going through this.  I do tell some of my close friends, but they can’t really know what it is like behind the front door of my house. 

I still want to live my life and have fun!

Hi Reindeer, so sorry for lapse of too many days.  I have been thinking about what you said.  My partner often threatens to leave me and dump me and I tell her that it’s the depression talking and try to make light of it.  Once when she said it was over, I called her the next day from work and asked her how my ex was?  It made her laugh.  I know it’s not fun and I know it’s not funny when you’re going through it and it hurts me when she says we’re over but I think she’s just trying to push me away to hurt herself more and because she thinks that’s what she deserves.  I may be wrong.  In which case I’m thick skinned and she’s stuck with me!  I do make an effort to not let it drag me down though.  I tell myself it’s for her sake as well as my own.
I did leave her once years ago but I was miserable without her.  Could you take yourself away to stay with famly or friends or on a holiday for a few days to totally take a breather and let him see how much he misses you and show him that maybe he’s taking you for granted? Will

ScrappyDo, I like your attitude and your screenname!  I feel like a punch bag sometimes but like you say I think it’s important to smile in the face of adversity.  Let’s keep up the good work! Will