Been popping on and off this forum for a while, but this is the first time I’ve posted. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in August last year and haven’t been able to go to work since then. I am now on my third type of antidepressant, as we don’t seem to have found anything that really works for me yet, and I’m also taking beta-blockers at the moment as my anxiety has been so bad that I’ve been vomiting. My psychiatrist has recently referred me for CBT so hoping that comes through soon.
I’ve been seeing a psychotherapist since last October and we’ve done a lot of work together looking at my past and how I’ve repressed my grief about a lot of things in the name of staying strong (parents’ divorce at age 13, death of first boyfriend in motorcycle accident at 17, also am oldest of three siblings, have lack of self esteem, bad body dysmorphia, self-hatred etc.) but despite all of this, I’m still depressed. I think my job played a part in my illness (employed as a copywriter, really struggled with it in run up to diagnosis), together with all the past stuff coming back to bite me after I got engaged last February. My therapist says that it was probably only because I was in the safe, secure place I’d been searching for that it all came out, but that didn’t stop me from also worrying that my fiance would leave me or die at the time.
What’s worrying me at the moment is that I’ve recently become more introverted than I was when I was first diagnosed and off work. My soon-to-be father-in-law is retired and rings me up daily asking me if I want to go over for lunch, go for a walk with him (things we did nearly every day when I was first off, because they didn’t want me to be alone due to suicidal thoughts) and on most days, I refuse him. I just want to be alone. I don’t have the energy or motivation to go outside, or even interact with other people, even though I know it would help.
But then there are days when I can do more, like yesterday. I was out of my flat the whole day. I went to a tea party with a friend (who is bipolar, and understands my situation well) and then onto a BBQ for a friend’s birthday. I feel like a hypocrite just writing that.
Something that was playing on my mind last night (which almost led to a panic attack) was that I could be perpetuating my illness. That I should be doing more to aid my recovery. Having more days like yesterday. I’m getting married in two months and my wedding is probably the only thing that’s been keeping me going over the last year. It’s given me lots of little tasks to focus on, when I’ve had the motivation and energy. I want to enjoy the day and I’m worried it’ll just be marred by my illness.
Any thoughts/advice from anyone will be welcomed.