Hi there,

Been popping on and off this forum for a while, but this is the first time I’ve posted. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in August last year and haven’t been able to go to work since then. I am now on my third type of antidepressant, as we don’t seem to have found anything that really works for me yet, and I’m also taking beta-blockers at the moment as my anxiety has been so bad that I’ve been vomiting. My psychiatrist has recently referred me for CBT so hoping that comes through soon.

I’ve been seeing a psychotherapist since last October and we’ve done a lot of work together looking at my past and how I’ve repressed my grief about a lot of things in the name of staying strong (parents’ divorce at age 13, death of first boyfriend in motorcycle accident at 17, also am oldest of three siblings, have lack of self esteem, bad body dysmorphia, self-hatred etc.) but despite all of this, I’m still depressed. I think my job played a part in my illness (employed as a copywriter, really struggled with it in run up to diagnosis), together with all the past stuff coming back to bite me after I got engaged last February. My therapist says that it was probably only because I was in the safe, secure place I’d been searching for that it all came out, but that didn’t stop me from also worrying that my fiance would leave me or die at the time.

What’s worrying me at the moment is that I’ve recently become more introverted than I was when I was first diagnosed and off work. My soon-to-be father-in-law is retired and rings me up daily asking me if I want to go over for lunch, go for a walk with him (things we did nearly every day when I was first off, because they didn’t want me to be alone due to suicidal thoughts) and on most days, I refuse him. I just want to be alone. I don’t have the energy or motivation to go outside, or even interact with other people, even though I know it would help.

But then there are days when I can do more, like yesterday. I was out of my flat the whole day. I went to a tea party with a friend (who is bipolar, and understands my situation well) and then onto a BBQ for a friend’s birthday. I feel like a hypocrite just writing that.

Something that was playing on my mind last night (which almost led to a panic attack) was that I could be perpetuating my illness. That I should be doing more to aid my recovery. Having more days like yesterday. I’m getting married in two months and my wedding is probably the only thing that’s been keeping me going over the last year. It’s given me lots of little tasks to focus on, when I’ve had the motivation and energy. I want to enjoy the day and I’m worried it’ll just be marred by my illness.

Any thoughts/advice from anyone will be welcomed.

Thanks,

Angels_girluk84

I love your screen name, Angels-girluk84.  The fact that you say that your wedding is keeping you going with the tasks and focus etc suggests to me that if you’re doing things that you enjoy and can look forward to, you find the energy and can do them.  I would suggest focusing more on things like that.  The more you do things you enjoy, the more you’ll do.  It becomes the virtuous circle rather than a vicious one.
Fear is a dark place and often turns out to be false or very exaggerated so we’ve worried and made ourselves ill for no reason. Therapists have often told me that guilt and fear are useless as negative emotions and that we should ‘dance’ with them rather than be paralysed by them.  Easier said than done I know.
I can see what your psychotherapist is saying that you feel in a safe enough place to let go of your emotions and problems which is why they’ve come back to haunt you now.  On a lesser scale I think it’s much like when one takes a holiday and ends up ill as you know you can relax and feel safe which is when everything you’ve been holding onto comes out.
Certainly don’t feel like a hypocrite for going to your friend’s party.  You said yourself that she suffers from bipolar and understands.  You probably felt that you could go there and be yourself.  It wouldn’t have mattered if you’d felt down as you could have excused yourself quite easily or may have even felt comfortable staying if you were down.  A lot of the time when we go out we may feel like we have to put on an act that we are fine when in fact we are not or are afraid we won’t be and it can put us off going out.  That used to happen to me a lot.
Sometimes I feel able to do lots and I take advantage of that and do lots.  Other times when I feel bad I try to allow myself to do less if the situation allows.  I get far more done like that.  I work with my mood rather than fighting it now. 
I am glad you’re going to get some CBT.  It may help you replace negative thinking habits with more helpful ones to you.
Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding.  The fact that your wedding is keeping you going suggests to me you’ll enjoy the day.
I think we put too much pressure on ourselves and should lighten up on ourselves and try treating ourselves like we treat our friends and stop criticising ourselves and beating ourselves up.  We woudn’t dream of treating our friends like that.  Self praise is far more enjoyable and productive than self criticism.  Praise is proven to motivate everyone.  So why shouldn’t we praise ourselves. I reward and praise myself now and it spurs me on to do more.  I don’t need to rely on others to praise me any more.  Obviously it’s still nice if they do!
I tried many antidepressants and none of them seemed to work for me either.  My psychiatrist told me to take a good omega with EPA every day which made a huge difference to me. I still take 1g every day.  EPA has been proven to be as effective as antidepressants and Professor Puri wrote a book about it and recommended Vegepa capsules which are written about in many medical papers.  They are pharmaceutical grade and some doctors give them on prescription.  They are trying to make them more widely available on prescription.  You can buy them online or in shops if not.  They can be taken alongside medication too so if medication isn’t working and one feels better whilst taking them the improvement will be the omegas.
You sound like an amazing person.  You’ve had a lot to go through and if you deal with it now you can move on and enjoy your married life.  You take care and do keep in touch.  Best wishes, Helen

A yoga teacher just posted this on Facebook which I thought was interesting timing given your post about body dysmorphia.  I found it interesting and thought you might too.
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5167/How-Yoga-Is-a-Foundation-for-Positive-Body-Image.html

We also have an article put together by experts and sufferers about panic attacks.  Here’s the link to that too in case you feel like reading it:
http://www.depressioncanbefun.com/index.php/Depression-Special-Articles/panic_attacks/Take care, Helen