I’m a very resillient, tough, strong person, so why today am I close to tears?? My husband has suffered from depression on and off for about 8 years, this last long, long bout has been going on since June last year. We used to have fun together and be each others best friends. I watched ‘Bridesmaids’ and ‘Rock of Ages’ with him (I could give loads of other examples) this week in some rare time out from our lovely little 6 and 8 year old boys. I am there laughing out loud, singing along and he cracks a smile occasionally. I am not an overly dramatic expressive person, yet I felt like one watching these things with him. To the rest of the world at the moment, he’s doing well, to himself, he’s ‘doing better’. To me I’m thinking ‘hello, is anyone in there?? Where has my lovely husband gone?’
That I can take and know I have to have patience. Recently I’ve been in self preservation mode and have started to go out on my own without him. He’s had a few very nasty blow ups at me (he always feels better afterwards and apologises) lately. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m doing the best I can. His insults range from ‘I don’t support him enough’ to ‘you never used to want to go out without me’ (and now I feel bad every time I do) to general snappiness and then apologetic texts and emails afterwards. This is going to sound dramatic, but I feel like I’m almost being mentally abused by him at this stage! I think, ‘oh no maybe I’m imagining his clouds, I’ll carry on being cheerful’ and then he’ll show me by his words or actions that I’m not imagining anything. I feel very disloyal for saying it, but for the sake of my own sanity I would be better off out of here. He is totally wrecking my head at this stage. I don’t know where I am with him from one minute to the next. I feel like a dog in the corner waiting, ‘is he going to throw me a scrap today, can we play?’ or ‘cowering and waiting for a row’ or singing internally and ignoring him :-( Dogs can’t sing though can they? Chewing a bone ignoring him then.
Have read some of your comments and emails of support on here and am so glad I joined.
Hmmm… musn’t dwell and get back to work now.