I’m a very resillient, tough, strong person, so why today am I close to tears?? My husband has suffered from depression on and off for about 8 years, this last long, long bout has been going on since June last year.  We used to have fun together and be each others best friends.  I watched ‘Bridesmaids’ and ‘Rock of Ages’ with him (I could give loads of other examples) this week in some rare time out from our lovely little 6 and 8 year old boys.  I am there laughing out loud, singing along and he cracks a smile occasionally.  I am not an overly dramatic expressive person, yet I felt like one watching these things with him. To the rest of the world at the moment, he’s doing well, to himself, he’s ‘doing better’.  To me I’m thinking ‘hello, is anyone in there?? Where has my lovely husband gone?’

That I can take and know I have to have patience.  Recently I’ve been in self preservation mode and have started to go out on my own without him.  He’s had a few very nasty blow ups at me (he always feels better afterwards and apologises) lately.  I know I’m not perfect, but I’m doing the best I can.  His insults range from ‘I don’t support him enough’ to ‘you never used to want to go out without me’ (and now I feel bad every time I do) to general snappiness and then apologetic texts and emails afterwards.  This is going to sound dramatic, but I feel like I’m almost being mentally abused by him at this stage! I think, ‘oh no maybe I’m imagining his clouds, I’ll carry on being cheerful’ and then he’ll show me by his words or actions that I’m not imagining anything.  I feel very disloyal for saying it, but for the sake of my own sanity I would be better off out of here.  He is totally wrecking my head at this stage.  I don’t know where I am with him from one minute to the next.  I feel like a dog in the corner waiting, ‘is he going to throw me a scrap today, can we play?’ or ‘cowering and waiting for a row’ or singing internally and ignoring him :-(  Dogs can’t sing though can they?  Chewing a bone ignoring him then.

Have read some of your comments and emails of support on here and am so glad I joined. 

Hmmm… musn’t dwell and get back to work now.

Hello Tearful today, that’s sad that you’ve chosen that name.  I know what you mean about feeling you’ve lost the old person you loved. You see glimpses of it but they’re really buried behind the new depressed face.  8 years is a long time too.  I have to rush out to work now but I’ll be back later and think about this today.  In the meantime, try to have a good day.  Best, Will

You’re tearful today with good reason.  I feel close to tears if and when someone is mean to me as a one off. To be subject to it every day is too much to expect anyone to take without feeling tearful. 
I read a very good book called ‘Sunbathing in the rain’ that was written from a sufferers point of view but even she said that her partner would follow a policy of ‘no mercy’, which means telling things as they are. She said that if he hadn’t done this and if carers don’t do this how can the poor sufferer ever feel that lifting of the spirits that happens when the truth of a situation is recognised.  When she said she was inadequate, he used to say calmly, ‘yes you are’ which then would make her laugh.  It wasn’t that she wasn’t up to the job it was her agonising about it.  He often used to tell her that there are two people in this relationship and you’re not both of them.
She also says that the person looking after someone who’s depressed really does have the shitty end of the stick a they have to live with the effects of the disease without undergoing the purgative experience of finally feeling better.  It’s hardly surprising that this illness should take a heavy toll on anybody who comes into contact with it.  It requires the carer to keep faith with a person who’s disappeared and left a corpse behind.  More than patience is required. The carer should make sure they have someone outside the house to talk to when it all gets too much and it seems their loved one is never going to come back.  Get out, talk to people who are well to remind yourself what it is to be with the living.
These are the things you’ve started doing.  They are allowing you to carry on being there for your husband.  You need to nurture and take care of yourself to keep on giving.  Maybe tell him that you want to be there.  You’ve done it this long without looking after yourself. You want to carry on being there but need to recharge to own batteries to recharge his and be giving. 
Depression is a very selfish illness.  I know I’ve been depressed.  My poor husband put up with so much.  He called it depression fallout.  He was always there.  I used to cry, shout and scream and refuse to go out and he just sat in with me and put his own life on hold.  He was a pillar of patience but said that he felt that he needed counselling himself.  He read lots to try to understand.  No one asks to be thrown into this role.  There are support groups for carers now if you’d be interested in trying those.  I know lots of carers find them very helpful. Talking to others who are going through similar experiences can be a big help.  Maybe your husband would be interested in a self help group for depression sufferers.  The Depression Alliance run groups in most towns and there are other groups run by charities or individuals that you can find information on at the library or doctor’s surgery or local papers or on this site under the ‘I am a carer’ and ‘I am depressed’ pages and the heading ‘Helplines and support groups’.
Don’t underestimate how tiring keeping cheerful can be. Take care.  Thinking of you.  Helen

Hi there, thanks so much for your replies!  I need to clear one thing up first.  My husband is not mean to me every day, just flares up/blows up at me every so often now and was spoiling for a fight yesterday again.  I feel worn down by it all and he used to be the type that I used to pick a fight with just for fun - he was so easygoing and laid back!  A few months back he started swearing at a stranger who honked his horn at me as I crossed the road (I was slow in heels).  He roared and swore at someone in the park about their dog catching our boys ball the other day in the park. Both were legimate situations to get annoyed about, but he is not the sort a) to swear or b) to be so aggressive.  Today he’s sleeping a lot (he still goes to work) and eating a lot, but has gone out with my iPod for a walk (normal behaviour at 10pm at night…)

The thing that really irks me is that I come from a home where both my parents drank, one constantly and was very abusive verbally, and other drank when she got depressed, to oblivion and would disappear for days on end, every five years or so.  My dream was to set up a perfect family unit that had no dysfunction.  Now look at us! God knows what the boys will remember from this.

Thanks again for your support and the link for Depression Alliance.

Hi again Scrappy Doo, I think your analogy of being a dog in the corner wondering if you’ll be let out to play or take a beatingi s so spot on.  It’s a sad analogy but very clever and made me smile because it’s clever.  My partner says things sometimes just to hurt me as she’s feeling so bad and you can’t take words back.  I always joke about it and start laughing which sometimes makes her laugh when she realises how ridiculous she’s being.  Sometimes what she says does god damn hurt and I’ll sulk off for a while.  I know she’s a good person really.  Like your husband though she sometimes really overreacts when we’re out and someone does something like she’ll reach over and peep the horn hard and constantly at someone who cuts us up or whatever.  I have to push her off.  It’s sometimes dangerous. Something seems to take over her!
Funny thing depression.  I said in a post to Reindeer I did leave my partner and really missed her.  I wonder if your partner would think more if you were able to go away with your two boys to stay with family or friends for a few days and leave him with no punch bag and home alone if that were possible?  We all take people and stuff for granted don’t we.  Sometimes shock tactics work even if just for a short time.  Will

Thanks Will, glad I made you smile with my dog analogy!  At least I make someone smile

Yea, it’s been said before that I should go off and leave him to fester in his own pit and I have.  The only place I can ‘escape’ to for a few days is to my sisters in Hove, but seriously, she is such a control freak it feels like going from one living hell to another!  She has two little boys (3 and 9 months) and oh my oh my, we have naps, feeding time, it’s serioulsy not worth it.  I’ve done it twice now and I would not do it again for my own sanity!  That is partly what makes me feel so helpless and trapped. I have no place to go, no refuge at all.

I am glad I can talk almost honestly on here.  I am sure my regular friends are getting fed up of it, though I really try not even to mention my husband at all unless specifically asked.

Feeling despondent and really fed up today.  He has at least been non aggressive in the last few days, instead speaking in a monotone like some kind of robot.  The house is full of joy, not.

He’s finishing work half day today and will be under my feet all day tomorrow. Yipee.

How are you all coping?

Goodness ScrappyDoo, I remember those days.  My husband as my carer had me wailing into my pillow or shouting or ‘nothingness’ and as you say one word robotic answers.  It’s so unfair for those around.  Depression Fallout is rubbish.  My husband used to say that whilst I was at the middle suffering the explosion of depression the ripples were more widespread and powerful than I ever knew.  I read something today that made me think of you.  I’d like to share it if I may, ‘The more you get what you need, the more you’ll have to give to others.’  Thinking of you.  Helen