I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression for over 18 months.  My employers played on this and I ended up being dismissed (I am taking them to a tribunal), however, this situation is all adding to my A&D;.

I also have major health problems concerning my immune system and my liver and have had this for 5 years, and previously I suffered with severe daily migraines for the 5 years before that.

I got married in February and I have been with my husband for almost 11 years.  We both had a lot of baggage when we started the relationship but we have survived it.

My A&D;has spiralled totally out of control recently and I’ve been saying and behaving in ways which have pushed my husband to his limit and now he seems to have closed my out when I’ve suddenly realised all I need is him to be here for me and help me through this awful situation.

I have sought help from my GP and apart from medication, I am on the NHS waiting list for CBT or counselling.  I have also contacted a local charity who offer counselling services to see if they can help as the NHS waiting list is LONG.

However, I don’t know how to deal with my relationship problems. My husband doesn’t want to talk, and I fear if I push it he will leave.  He doesn’t really understand my illness and doesn’t really accept that a lot of what I am saying and doing isn’t really me, it’s my illness - not that I am blaming the way I am totally on my illness.  I also believe I have been ill for a lot longer than I’ve been diagnosed - maybe getting gradually worse over the last 10 years - it’s just now that I’ve hit rock bottom.

I feel trapped and when my thoughts turn negative (which is for most of my waking day), I feel like I can’t escape and nothing makes any sense.  I used to be a confident person and now I loathe myself.  My husband is having his own troubles at work and is barely coping so I don’t want to add to his issues by forcing this on him.  Talking to him at the moment is not an option - but I don’t know what else I can do?  I’ve said some really terrible things and I can’t take them back and he is hurt and I can’t fix it…...

Dear Vicky, my heart goes out to you.  I recognize a lot of what my husband and I went through in what you are saying as I am sure many others do.  Depression and Anxiety are terrible and hard enough without the added health and work issues that you are having to deal with.  A wedding is wonderful (and congratulations by the way) but that is stressful too.  After 11 years, and the ‘baggage’ you speak of, you and your husband must know each other pretty well and have a strong relationship.  Relationships aren’t easy anyway and neither is life but it can be easier and more enjoyable with both of you enjoying each other.  At the moment you are both struggling in your own lives which doesn’t make it any easier trying to help each other.  Your husband is probably struggling with how to deal with the situation.  He loves you and I am sure that he wants to help but his distance is probably his self defence mechanism at the moment and you shouldn’t misread this as anything more.  Depression and anxiety can be very isolating and make you react out of character.  My husband always used to say to me that it was the depression talking when he witnessed my negative statements.  We all say hurtful things when we are angry or upset never mind depressed or anxious.  I am sure that deep down your husband understands that your depression and anxiety are the cause of your outbursts.  It doesn’t always make them easier to hear at the time but he knows you too well to think them to be anything else.  It is great that you have been to the doctor and that CBT has been recommended as that is a very helpful therapy for depression.  I do hope that an appointment comes soon.  Also, what great initiative on your part to have contacted the charity.  Your proactiveness will surely be rewarded.  There is a self-help CBT program on this site that is recommeneded by doctors called the ‘Mood Gym’ if you feel like taking a look.  I have heard very good reports from people who use it.  In the meantime Vicky, do try to spend time doing things that make you feel better and trick your mind into following and do try to look after yourself.  I wish you every success with your employer and send my wishes to you and your husband.  Helen

I have had CBT it was excellent really does put things in their true perspective. Have you heard of Byron Katie ‘loving what is’ I found it difficult to read when I am not well so I listened to inspirational CD’s. One I found useful was ‘Making your thoughts work for you ’ Byron Katie and Wayne Dyer, £15 from amazon,or i have bought the old and used in excellent condition CDS which are cheaper. Katie felt the same as many of us and pulled herself out of the sadness by asking herself 4 questions ‘is is true’ ‘are you sure it is true ? ‘she turned it around and saw she was accussing the other person of her own misdemeanour plus what you are thinking and how would you feel if you never had that thought. Gosh it was powerful stuff and really worked for me. I found the therapy had the same results as CBT without a NHS waiting list and it was the most effective cheapest therapy I have ever had i.e £15 from Amazon which arrived the following day. I hope this helps :0)

Hi Vicky
Well, what can I say, Actually I can say quite alot. 

Whether you believe or not, here goes, your guardian angel has been trying for a long time for you to deal with some issues that you have had for a long time and have ignored and now it is time to start.  Your health has suffered because you are carrying around alot of weight and baggage and it is time to let go of the past and start living in the present, which will change the future.  Your guardian angel is strong and protective and says you are definately going to pull through this even though things seem black.  Your partner is feeling useless and this is why he has responded the way he has.  Please do not feel let down by him, he just wants to fix you and doesnt know how and this makes him feel like you dont need him.  He needs to told how much you love him and the response will come.  Tell him you love him, tell him you care, without obligation and wanting anything in return, tell him you know you have to fix yourself and this you can do.  He cant give you the sympathy you need, as he is too close the actuall problem.  You need someone who is more detached from you as you need to unload a lot of stuff that will not do your relationship any good by sharing.  Your guardian angel is smiling as she knows you can do this and she knows that deep down Vicky you have always known that you can heal all those wounds, you just need to talk it out.  I would suggest EMDR which you can see a Hypnotherapist for and this is quite a quick fix too, CBT is good, but I believe you need to talk out these problems and CBT may seem a little insensitive to this.  CBT is quick too, but I really feel you need to air these problems. 

We all say negative things when we are down, or feel attacked and right now, he probably just doesnt want to rock the boat.  I suggest you go for a romantic walk and tell him you love him.  I would also suggest you get together one evening a week and tell each other 5 positive things about each other.  No negative, you cant start with “well if you were more” or “if you only did then I would”.  You need to start with how wonderful they are and imagine hearing that back.  To receive we have to give and you are the person to do this Vicky.

Your Guardian angel is watching and caring and she send her love to envelop you now, I hope you feel it.  She is there protecting you as much as you let her in.

I hope this helps

Love Greenlady