Hello there
My partner was diagnosed with depression a couple of months ago.  His father had an accident earlier in the year which resulted in head injuries (he is in a neurology ward and we don’t know if he’ll go home or to residential care yet, could be months, maybe a year or 2 till we know).  He was also very busy at work.  In the end one of his mates and I managed to persuade him to see the doctor, they diagnosed him with depression, started him on anti-depressants and advised him to see a counsellor.  We arrange our own counsellor but its been a bit irregular in terms of seeing them.  After another ‘down’ we went back to the doctor who upped the meds and got an appointment with the NHS mental health people. 
I am trying to be there and be supportive.  He has just quit his job and is now talking about drastic action to clear debts.  I’m trying to to scream and cry, but I don’t know what to do any more.  I’m not sure he listens to me when i try to reassure him, I don’t think he believes me when i say its the depression speaking, i’m not sure he’s taking on board anything that the counsellor people are telling him.  If i ask him to go and see them at the moment he won’t.
I don’t believe i am the only person trying to help someone deal with depression, but i’m scared i’m going to lose him and i’m scared of what the future brings.  He’s the main earner, if he isn’t working then he’ll feel worse - he will feel worthless and useless.
Am I worrying too much?  Does anyone have any tips or advice? I feel a bit like everything is falling apart.
Thanks

Wow, how are you coping with all this on your plate.

You have to be careful, it doesnt happen to you.  Remember you are only human, and there will be sometimes when your words will hit home and other times when the words will flow right over him.  Trying to be positive with someone with depression can be so frustrating and that is why you also need time out to think of yourself as your partner is not in the frame of mind to put you first.  So my advice is Yes to keep on trying even though all seems lost, but not to forget that you need some tlc too and that you must remember to treat yourself or life will be one up hill struggle.

I would also recommend that maybe your partner may try Hypnotherapy as the Therapist can talk to his unconscious mind, the one place he cannot turn off and it may have a significant affect on him when his conscious mind is not listening.

I really admire you and how you are coping, but there will be better things to come.

I believe in holistic spiritualism and I am getting a message, that you need to look after yourself more, for the trying times ahead.  But a win fall will probably makes things easier for a while.  Balancing everything like you do is hard work and hard work needs to be rewarded.  Your husband will get a help, although it may take alittle time, but there is a silver lining ahead for the both of you.  He knows you are there but he is fighting the blackness he feels and is worried that he may scare you with his black thoughts, although he doesnt realise that you know already how he is feeling.  Hang in there, your guardian angel is watching over you and she is trying to help you both.  Please have faith that it will change towards the end of year, Christmas will be a good time for you both, better than you have felt in a long time, but you really need to take some time out and treat yourself, either to a beauty treatment, hairdo or something that will lift your spirits while your partner cant.  He will get better and you will feel loved once more.  Although you are strong, and i feel your strength, I also feel your frustration.  You are very caring too and if everybody has more of your attitude the world would be a better place, but dont take it all on your shoulders, it is not just for you to carry.  There are friends people out there who care and who want to help, you as well as your husband.

Love Greenlady

Hello s77tay. Sorry to eb late with this reply, I don’t know whether you still come on this website or not. How are you doing recently? What about your husband? It sounds like you are both going through a really tough time at the moment.

I’m not an expert, far from it, and what I say may be complete rubbish, but I have some experience of caring so I just wanted to tell you what I think and hope it makes you feel like you are not alone in this. You know, I think it’s almost as hard to care for a person with depression and it is to suffer from depression. It’s so hard to communicate with and understand them. From experience, I have learnt that almost all of the healing process has to come from the sufferer themselves, obviously with some support from the people around them and some good professional help, but 95% is from the sufferer themselves. And they will only start the healing process when they are ready, you can’t push them into it or offer any fantastic pearls of wisdom that will turn them around. I understand that this doesn’t really help you, cos it’ll probably just make you think “oh, great!”, but please remember that even though you can’t do a lot in terms of turning the sufferer around, they do need you there for that occasional time when they do need your support and love. You may want to be able to affect them quickly and directly, but hoping and expecting to be able to do that will probably result in more stress and frustration for you and could lead you to also end up suffering from depression. I think being a carer is often a waiting game, which of course can be incredibly frustrating, so you need to find your own outlets, something that can release your stress too, cos you are bound to feel stressed at times.

I really hope you and your husband are OK. Hang in there, it’ll be worth it when your husband finally starts to improve, which with your support, he will do.

Hi I am a sufferer from depression. When i get depressed I found the best thing for me is the nice and the horrid policeman. Tough love when i need to get out, need to eat the correct foods, find the help i need, when i need to do exercise and the kind policeman when I am not myself. The unconditional love my husband gives me makes me love him more. When i overspend he just makes excuses for me and so i hate to upset him and make an effort to be frugile. When i have these great ideas he says yes i can see that working yet we haven’t got the money right now and we can do that next year. As a sufferer I need support from my partner so I know that when he is unconditionally loving rational and putting things in their true perception almost agreeing without an arguement yet stressing it’s not possible financially I seem to take notice. Gosh it is a juggling act isn’t it. Have you listened to Byron Katie loving what is. Making thoughts work for you. It does help see things in the am i bothered perspective. Hope you are looking after yourself like Brencoot said and the greenlady. Remember to look after the host so the parasites survive. If the host dies the parasites die too. Never understood that in Biology. The parasites poo in the host, kills them. Bit of a dodgie metaphor perhaps I should use my husbands one if the ship goes down so do all the passengers. Sorry us depressives poo on our carers, we do love you for being so wonderful we just have a poor way of showing it. I do love my carer for all the unconditional love and I guess I love him more for being an unconditonal lover.He blames the depression not me. I guess the reward is being loved and respected. Kent M. Keith says people need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help them anyway and Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked but help them anyway. It’s from his book Do it Anyway his paradoxical commandments. Christians turn the other cheek. Byron Katie loves what is. You carers are amazing generous people giving your kindness and patience to suffers it takes COURAGE and it takes amazing STRENGTH. You show to others your true characters because you are amazing. To the depressed person it makes us stand up and appreciate who you trully are and your only reward is that you are just AMAZING Xx respected and thought well of Xx yes as Brencoot said hang in there Xx Can i offer you a hug Xx because without people like you people like me would be stood in front of a wall and shot !! If it helps my 5yr old daughter does daft things on a small scale that i don’t agree with and I let her for an easy life. 9 times out of 10 she gets it right !!! and I am wrong. What I am saying is your hubbie might get it right and you might find everything works out ok. Also mental health has produced genious’ so you might find what happens happens for the best. Sometimes being unconventional isn’t a bad thing. My husband now admits I have had some of the most ingenious ideas taking big risks. He couldn’t see then, yet in hindsight he now agrees it paid off. I have taken enormous risks in the past, that he didn’t agree with at the time. However they have paid off, and I have a wonderful house with a meadow out the back. I bought my first flat with a credit card. ie the solicitors fees and searches I paid with. I made alot of money in one year and jumped onto the property ladder. My friends missed the chance because they stopped and saved. I bought in 1987 and made 20k before the big crash. I had moved again by then so i never got affected. The friends who saved got hit by the big crash. Just saying some of the mad things i did when i was depressed did actually pay off. Hope I helped Xx

I just needed to say Xx because you are wonderful carers you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. I feel shame after my behaviour. I needed to say that I hope you get my meaning. I wanted to come over to your side. A bit like the burglar who robbed a surgeons house and stole his lap top. His wife suffered panic attacks and the doctor suggested the surgeon and his wife visit the burglar in prison. The surgeon explained to the burglar that nobody could have an operation for weeks because he stole his laptop and the burglar felt ashamed and then explained he needed drugs, he needed his fix, he sold the laptop in the pub and he was really sorry he was a heroine addict and all he cared about my his next hit. The surgeons wife understood then, it was the drugs he needed, he wasn’t going to kill her in her bed while she slept and the burglar felt ashamed again he had caused her such fright. The surgeon realised it was drugs that made the burglar ill. They all helped eachother understand better. Xx hope I helped you eventhough my story is a bit weak Xx

Have you read Duncan’s post it refers to a book called ‘Depression Fallout’ this might help Xx

Hi can any of you guys help tulytops XXx

her post reads as follows - post - need a bit of advice please - tulytops

Hi, need some advice please. My husband has diagnosed with depression. he is on alot of pills olanzapine, trazadone, diazapan, he is also off work and attending cbt and other stuff 4 days a week. we hae only been married 6 months and have 5 kids. I’m finding life very hard and dont know how to cope. He is very critical, blames me for alot of things and cries often. I love him very much but it is getting very hard. He goes out or spends most of his time alone in his room. I feel like my husband has died and all that is left is a smoking miserable man who makes me cry and blames me or the kids for how he feels. This all sounds very selfish of me cos i know hes very poorly. He doesnt like me to text or call friends as it makes him paranoid so i feel very lonely. I only get a break at work as i work for two hours a day in a school. Can anyone please give me some advice?

You guys are so great at caring Xx please would you write to her Xx Chloe Xx

Your husband will get a help, although it may take alittle time, but there is a silver lining ahead for the both of you.  He knows you are there but he is fighting the blackness he feels and is worried that he may scare you with his black thoughts, although he doesnt realise that you know already how he is feeling.  Hang in there, your guardian angel is watching over you and she is trying to help you both.  Please have faith that it will change towards the end of year, Christmas will be a good time for you both, better than you have felt in a long time, but you really need to take some time out and treat yourself, either to a beauty treatment, hairdo or something that will lift your spirits while your partner cant.  He will get better and you will feel loved once more.  Although you are strong, and i feel your strength, I also feel your frustration.

gosh what a beautiful post rased56 Xx your soooo kind and beautifully spiritual Xx what a beautiful input to the site Xx Chloe

We have been getting many new users lately who don’t seem to know the finer points of our rules.

need your help.lol

This forum is not that active as it used to. What happened? Do everyone have so good financial situation?