Hi all

Im new to this and I’ll explain abit about myself first, Im married, have just turned 38, have a gorgeous nearly 2 year old son and live in the south west. I work 2 days a week as an admin assistant. We live nearly 300 miles away from family, have been here for 5 years now, we’ve settled ok, my hubby has a well paid job and mine isnt too bad, on the outside things are great really, I have a couple of good friends here and keep intouch with the ones back home, we visit about 3 or 4 times a year.

Now about my past - ive had what i call an unstable upbringing with lots of tension, uncertainty, stress etc etc - my mum gave birth to me at 16, she couldnt look after me and left home leaving me with her mum, then grandma died when I was 7, which was very upsetting, I remember it like yesterday - so went to live with my mum and life carried on till mum decided to leave me, two sisters and their dad to live with another bloke, after a week I went with mum, sisters stayed with their dad. We all kept in touch, then my mum left that bloke to go move in with another bloke who became my stepdad and not a nice one at that, he often criticised me and mum, it was horrid at times. Shes now left him.

On top of all that I always felt ‘not quite good enough’ and if ever I got down or tearful for no apparant reason, my mum would always say ‘oh snap out of it, or ‘theres others worse off than you’  and she used to be aggressive in the way she spoke, still is at times, but she has a drink/drug problem now.

Im going on far too much than i intended but im trying to make sense of it all, today I am a woman with little confidence, (feel like a scared little girl) am unsure if im with the right man, who is lovely to me and has the patience of a saint, but cant help wonder if married him for the wrong reasons - security which I do have with him (financially and emotionally) he’s my own personal counsellor and a good one at that lol

Im a mess basically, I just cant function, ive been getting depressed since 16 on and off - I just cant shake the feeling that im a nobody - I dont think I have alot to offer really, ive just had an awful review at work, have one every 6 weeks (mostly positive) - and its left me feeling so hurt and the worse person ever, i know Im irrational, I cannot take criticism, it seems to floor me.

Please can someone offer some words of comfort and tell me im ok and I will get through this dark time Im having, I want someone who can understand me.

im also so worried im going to mess up and be a useless mum and not give my boy a good start in life, how do I instill confidence in him when I cant manage to instill it in myself, these depressions I get about once a year are doing me in. I so want to begin enjoying life, we’re not here for long are we?

Thanks so much for reading, perhaps I should write a life story hey?

Hello, Kayfer,
I thought that it might be useful for you to know that the people on this site are so helpful in suggesting ways to recover from depression. One I have found particularly helpful is Chloe.  If you go into the topic of “getting up”, you should be able to read her posts. All good wishes, jean

Hi
Thanks so much Jean for your reply, I shall have a look in ‘getting up’ for Chloe, thanks again.

Good luck with that.  All the best, jean

We are all here to talk and help eachother Xx hugs XXx we can listen too xx so talk away and we shall listen Xx listening is good too Xx your not alone Xx

I have just read your story again. You are an amazing woman to have been through all that and managed to meet a decent man and give birth to a gorgeous boy and have a good job too. What are you like, you are AMAZING. Like Trisha says we can’t all be great mums, and your mum might have struggled because she was not equipped with the people skills to be kind loving and caring like you. You are feeling low at the moment so you may not have the happy chemicals that make you feel like you want to be with your husband maybe ? Your husband sounds like the sort of man that is good for you and that is really good to you. My friends and myself included have lost labido after having children it does worry me. We joke about the last time we have sex. One friend said she has to get drunk another friend sends herself text to remember to have sex with her husband they do this to see the funny side of it not mock it is their coping skills. Please do not feel bad about not having feelings for your husband it can be normal for some mums to feel this way, sadly this can happen to us mums. When I worked for the civil service they had to give me bad reports sometimes so they did’nt have to give me a pay rise !! yes the poor old manager was going through hell because he only get one budget and he needed to share it all out. If you had a great report it usually leads to a pay rise, money they might not have, it might be politics not you. Or you might need to put yourself in an environment whereby you are a big fish in a little pond and be adored for the lovely person you are instead of a little fish in a big pond. It’s not about you, your just maybe not in the job that is suited to you, I might be wrong, hey fight your corner prove me wrong and realise you do like your job after all. Feedback is cruel and managers expect employees to be positive turn it around and learn from their feedback. Sadly because people are paid to obey !! so need to respect their wishes because as employees they are extensions of themselves because they employ people because they can not do it all themselves so bosses want it done their way. I once got told off by a boss because he could not tell me off because I agreed with everything he said. I had made mistakes and appologised to him and he got so frustrated with me. I gave it my best and my best wasn’t good enough I didn’t purposely want to upset him I wanted gratitude for my efforts but empathisesing with him made him angry too. I guess he loved giving me a telling off and I stole that right from him by being too agreeable. You are a WONDERFUL precious mother and wife. Pat yourself on the back you have not given in to your depression because you are strong caring and wise and so you are a good mother to your child you are pulling through through adversity and being strong. Well done you. You wonder mum, my biggest challenge is being a mum and you joined the team. You deserve love respect and admiration after what you have been through please give it to yourself. I read Marisa Peer book and she said to say ‘you are enough’. She told Helen on the TV interview to say the same. I copy that now. YOU ARE ENOUGH, you deserve to be loved. Look in that mirror and see that gorgeous human being smiling back at you, the champion, the wonderful wonderful strong beautiful creature you are. p.s Trisha always says success is the best revenge. Stay put with all your success and build on them Xx Be strong you have already proved you can do it from your past. So YOU are strong XXHUGS XXX Hope this helps XXX

Chloe, you are so lovely for taking the time and effort to send that reply to me, Im really touched by that so thank you.

You have also made me feel loads better too, like a weight has been lifted - I have been worrying far too much about anything and everything lately from what to cook for dinner to not having enough time for my husband, no wonder im feeling down.

However I think this site has saved me from sinking deeper, I only came across it yesterday and already Im thinking more positively and the great thing is - its working, Im forcing myself to say positive things such as I am happy, I am positive and it really does seem to lift me and give energy, its amazing.

I only work 2 days a week so its not too bad, Im just not great at taking criticism, but thats something I have to work on, I can only do my best, its just hard when im having trouble focusing on the job in hand, my mind tends to wander at times.

I really dont know how ive come through everything as well as I have really, not only was it a troubled past, upbringing etc, I also went through a traumatic birth, nearly 2 years ago now, but it was horrendous, it was very touch and go, but im here with my lovely little family and thats all that matters now. We are also lucky enough to be going to Florida in October so have that to look forward to, last week however I was dreading it and feeling really gloomy about it, but then we are staying with hubbys parents for two weeks, they are ok really - they cant wait to spend two weeks with their grandson, bless em.

Thanks so much Chloe for all you kind and lovely words, you’ve really made me smile.
Kind Regards

You made me cry Xx I am so glad Jean and I have been able to help you. We are all here to help eachother. With my inlaws my friend tells me to detach the emotions. Look at it all as funny, I don’t get on with my inlaws and hardly any of my friends do either. I wanted to get on with mine I pushed it and pushed it, then laughed, thinking I must think i am this special wonder woman who is able to achieve the unachievable master what my friends couldn’t. It’s nobodys fault it’s just what is. Loving what is laughing and embracing what I can’t change. Laugh at it and laugh with us about it later. Dale Carnegie mentions the prayer of serenity to help those with worry. Change the things we can and accept what we can’t and wisdom to know the difference. You sound better, Jean is a little angel telling me to talk to you. I was worried I might get up on my soap box, but I are trying to cheer you up, so forgive me if i get it wrong here and there, my intentions are true. Depression can be funny because we can look back and laugh and one day when your little one starts school or draws you a beautiful picture or makes you a garshly cup of tea you have to drink not to upset him, You’ll laugh and you’ll be proud. Your a wonderful strong sincere woman and you can become whatever and whoever you want with positive energy and laughter. Laugh at the past, laugh because it got you were you are now. Nobody likes criticism why should they but if nobody critisised the inventor we would never have fast cars we would be still in horse and carriage. Thomas Edison never made a mistake he just did it the wrong way and perservered with the light bulb. Evolution is criticised so we improve daily on a daily basis or we would have no life purpose, if we couldn’t improve upon it. You need to be told you have done a good job. They shouldn’t have let you walk out your appraisal with a sense of loss, feeling the way you felt. They left you feeling sad put some of the blame on them, they could have given you better constructive feedback. Perhaps they need better people skills, bless you for taking all the blame for how you felt. You could pertend in your mind you have to give the criticism and how you would do it. Change places with the person at work. Hey hope you can laugh it off and forgive them. Hope you have a wonderful time in Florida how wonderful, your husband loves you, your son loves you. That makes you a wonderful wife and mum so therefore you are a wonderful daughter in law because you are looking after them properly and thats what matters, lucky them. You beautiful woman, well done you XX HUGS XX

Just wanted to say being a mum makes my mind wander because we have to multi task and get easily distracted by our little ones. My memory is dreadful since i had my daughter. I just laugh about it now. I don’t do it on purpose you don’t do it on purpose. I bet all the great leaders minds wondered, it might mean you are bored. Being bored can make your mind wonder and we only get bored when we can do things with our eyes closed so you must be good at your job. My driving instructor said it’s when people can drive they make all the mistakes because they get so used to driving the students mind wondered thats when he knew i was ready to take my test. Pull yourself up for it not down Xx perhaps your job is too mundane Xx

my head is going to be so big after all your compliments, wow im not used to this - its soo nice to be told good positive things, sadly it doesnt happen enough for most people. I guess thats why we have to tell ourselves positive things all the time, but i need to get good at that and quick before I do allow myself to get depressed again, I say again cos I really think ive managed to come out of it, my energy is slowly returning, im also going to make more effort with what I eat, just been listening to the cd sample on here about nutrition and wellbeing, my diet hasnt been the best lately. Im also doing more exercise as my lovely hubby bought me a WII fit for my birthday, its great.

To be honest Chloe my job is quite mundane, and I do find it boring and wonder if I could be do something else where I can use some creativity, its an office job and it involves sitting at a computer from 8.30 to 4.30 with half hour lunch break (I cant do the job with eyes shut though as its a new system which im still getting to grips with) but I keep telling myself its only two days and its got to be good for my son and me to have that break, it isnt the same really since going back after mat leave, i used to work full time before, dont know how I did that looking back, anyway I guess I have to just get on with it and make the best of the job, dont think im up for looking elsewhere right now. I need to change first.

Anyway you’ve said alot of thought provoking and interesting things which I shall take on board, well infact i shall print it off so I can always carry it with me to look at when I need reminding of a few things.

Thanks again, your a star.

I am only telling the truth the evidence all leads to it. You deserve to pat yourself on the back not beat yourself up. Sorry I needed to get on my soap box and tell you. My inlaws are a night mare. My mother in law is horrid to me and my sister in law yet when i look at the evidence they are horrid to most people and I take it to heart. It’s not the problem it’s how I handle it my best friends mother told me. She was married to an alcoholic and had such a tough time he was evil he used to beat her when he got drunk and take all their money. He died of alcoholic poisoning and the women in the family are the nicest kindness woman you can meet. Talking about things outloud help. I have been to co counselling in the past. It made me cry alot and the participants yawn alot to get rid of sadness. It worked really well for me, yet i was so shocked how people managed a smile after what they had told me then i told them my problem. It was wonderful, yet a very emotional process sat face to face Xx talking to somebody is a great healer. In co counselling nobody is allowed to give advice. Just listen, the first 5 minutes killed for me, imagine no soap box !! I wanted to fix it give them advice. Yet after listening for 5 minutes, some sort of magic happened smiling into the other persons eyes and giving them empathy and listening worked. The other person and me got it off our chest. I also found another persons advice does not necessarily work for me or mine for another. The life coaches believe in listening and the client brings about their own solutions there own changes which work best for them. Yet I don’t like to tell social friends my worries because they do not seem to like negative conversation and over time they have disapeared because people do not like to be around unhappy people so chatting on the forum helps me and then the friends can enjoy the jolly part of me and stick around. I am here to listen and so is Jean, and I must now give you an extra special thank you for YOU and JEAN listening to ME. Gosh I have got so much off my chest I feel great THANK YOU Xx I left my job !! I was not as strong as you, it made me unhappy, it drained me and stole my energy and I hate criticism !!! so now I am my own boss a house wife and my husband supports me. When I get fed up I go shopping so you have saved my husbands pocket by looking after me . My husband is my counsellor he tells me to stop running his wife down when I get down on myself. He does moan about me spending money, but then I am renown for being a shopaholic. I am a bargain hunter !! buy 10 of what I don’t need which is in the sale when I should be buying what I need with the house keeping money I am allocated. Take supermarkets the buy 3 for whatever takes me over my budget. So if i just bought what I needed each week i would not go over drawn and over budget. The bargains take me over my house keeping, so i am overdrawn every week. Because every week there is a bargain to be had. So i end up spending more every week. Does that make sense. So if i only need to be what I need. A russian girl told me every time I have a negative thought look at the good in it. ie my mother in law never comes to see my daughter my russian friend said good then you don’t have to put up with her. I now look for the advantages of my situation. Also when I think my mother in law dislikes me, I turn it around (Byron Katie) actually I do not like my mother in law. I am in control, and I feel i am in control when i think like that. When i exercise and get fit, I tend tro adopt the ‘Am i bothered attitude’ it really helps those happy chemicals help me see the funny side of happenings around me. I followed Marisa Peer eating plan religiously and I removed 2 stone of weight and felt wonderful so yes food is so important for great mental health. Oh well done you XXXXX you are a tonic for me. Now I know need to exercise more and eat better to keep up with you. You wonder mum aren’t your amazing I just need to read the evidence XX hugs Xx,

Kayfer have you tried EFT emotional freedom technique. I don’t know if i am allowed to advertise other web pages on the forum this chap has a EFT site to show you where to tap it’s magnus@tapping.com. It is so positively effective Xx Chloe

Hi Chloe
Thanks for your message yesterday, you have really helped me so thanks so much.

EFT has been recommended by a lifecoach I spoke to you last week over the phone, it does look good and perhaps it would be good to give that a try.

Oh and ive been saying ‘your enough’ quite a few times today, I hope it sinks in eventually - I really want to change now, Ive got to let go of all the rubbish going on inside, its ruining my life so to speak. Im so worried I wont do it though and I’ll never improve, I dont mean just depression but my whole outlook and the way I am - Ive got to do it this time, please dont let me give up, it is so important to me now more than ever.

thanks again for that tip though for EFT - I shall have a look at that. Im going to have a lie down soon as ds will be waking in half hour from his afternoon nap, I feel abit done in today.

Hello Kayfer, how are you doing? I can’t go as far as to say that I completely understand your situation, cos for a start I’m a man and I know men and women think differently. I can relate to a lot of what you said though, so I feel for you. I wish I could offer some great advice that would sort out all your problems, but unfortunately I can’t. I can say though that it is possible to change things slowly for the better. It’s definitely worth seeking professional help (it may take time to find the right professional for you) and not expecting too much too quickly.

I’m sure you are a great mother and a good employee too, it’s just that you don’t see it cos you aren’t confident enough. A lack of confidence can be turned in your favour though (obvioulsy having confidence is ver important though), cos it can push you on to try to better yourself. Overly confident, arrogant people, often don’t push themselves on cos they already think they are perfect!

I really wish I could give better advice, but a lot of what you said rings true with me and if I knew how to sort it all out, I’d do it for myself too!

Don’t give up though, there are lots of people out there who can help, and not help, at least listen.

Hello Brencoot, Im feeling quite empty to be honest and wishing I could feel better - I know I will though, with some hard work put in.

I have had counselling in the past and it did help to a certain extent but I know alot of it has to come from myself, im on the waiting list for CBT but in 18mths so I have to battle on as best I can - Ive made a start though by finding this site which has been a great help from you, Chloe and Jean so Im really thankful for that.

Im always thinking of ways to better myself and have been on numerous courses to prove to myself im not stupid, which I think I am (not sure where that comes from) I dont blame my mum anymore for anything in the past, she did the best she could, Im sure ive forgiven her now, its just so sad that she has gone downhill in her life and I often blame myself for that, its irrational I know but Im sure she’s disappointed in me, not that Id ever ask her, not the state of mind she’s in. Ive got to get over myself and stop wishing things had been different.

Im living in the past and feel stuck - but I will get the help I need.

Thanks so much for your kind words

Kayfer you sound so much better Xx the i am enough works for me. Keep it up Xxx you are so strong Xx One of the characteristics of an entrepeneur is a hard upbringing. It’s character building stuff and it does make you stronger. You are amazing and we are all here to encourage eachother and listen Xx HUGs XXI love what Brencoot said. I got low grades in my o levels because I thought I was so clever I didn’t have to study, arrogant teenager stuff. Your joking your mother Disappointed in you !!! you have a great job, husband, house you a the happy beginning in all the fairy tales. Gosh if you were my daughter I would be sooooo proud of you. It’s not your mother it’s the booze the drugs. Its very sad what happened to her being controlled by substances. Despite ALL you have been through you turned out ok. You are a miracle woman you came through all that. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I would have you on my team you fighter pilot you definitely navigated your way through that hell and came out decent, strong and SURVIVED. every time you have a sad thought, tell it to go away tune into a different radio station in your head tune into Radio station Depressioncanbe fun. We understand you and your lovely husband and son love you too Xxx