Hey I need you to share a little exercise with you. This is what I do. Imagine EVERYBODY likes me everybody, my phone doesn’t stop ringing, I have soooooooooo many friends there aren’t enough hours in the day to talk to all of them. Everybody likes me so much I just can’t cope. Thats what I do when somebody isn’t as fond of me as i would like them to be. I have plenty of friends, I have enough !!! actually and I am enough to keep them and me happy. I now attempt to focus my energy on the nice kind people, give them my time, not try to win around the miserable old bag in the corner. Hey if you won her around, would you really want that miserable person in your life. You would have to be like her to get on with her too, throw in the odd nasty comment to put people down. I guess sometimes it’s not great for me to be liked by everybody because then I DO ATTRACT horrid people into my life, because then i would have to include the horrid ones. Stay away from the horrid people Kayfer and put all your good love into the nice ones Xx

I started to read Marissa’s new book and it’s for people like us who need some confidence. It’s wonderful, it was such a coincidence that what she was saying in the book is what we are talking about now. So your not alone it’s a human condition and it can be fixed Xx I need to read more of the book to find out how to make you feel better Xx Chloe

Hello Kayfer, hows it going?

Your comment about living in the past and how bad it is certainly got my attention, cos it’s something that so many people do (including myself I have to say), but is something that is such a waste of time cos there is absolutely nothing we can do about it, but you already know that. There maybe is something we can do about the future though…....I know, it’s much easier said than done! I’m not criticizing you, cos actually I usually can’t practice what I preach! If I could, I’d be having a whale of a time!

As for the being stupid thing, just from reading what you wrote, I can tell that your intellect is way above average. I’m not making fun of people who can’t write so well, but there are literally millions of people in this country who couldn’t write as well as you do. Saying that though, there is nothing wrong with proving something to yourself and others, as long as it’s a constructive thing.

It seems like you know a fair bit about depression already and you have realised something that I think is essential, that being the fact that although it’s hard, your recovery has to come primarily from yourself. Of course getting support along the way is important too.

Well, I hope you are OK. Take care

Hi Chloe & Brencoot

Thanks for your support, it really means a lot right now, I made it into work today and managed to stay the whole day without falling apart, im home now but i feel sooo depressed - worse than what I did last night, im not sure why that is (its just very draining fighting this thing) It was very mundane today, i just had abit of fliling to do and a letter to check and send so not much there at all, I think theyre been cautious about bombarding me, which is fair enough but it was one hell of a long day for me, I chatted abit and tried to have a laugh with my colleagues but it wasnt easy, but on the positive side i may be starting a new dance aerobic class next week with two of them so thats something I guess, I really do need to get out more.

I spoke with my supervisor about my depression and she said she’ll support me in whatever I decide to do, ie whether to go on sick or not, I cant make my mind up what to do for the best, but ive only to go into work tomorrow and thats it for another week, im going to visit drs monday and get advice, I just feel sooo empty and tired, think I shall have a nap before hubby gets home, my son is fast asleep after been at childminders all day, for some reason he didnt have his daytime nap, not like him.

Thanks Brencoot for reassuring me on the intellectual thing, I am silly sometimes for thinking im stupid, I know im not really - but then stupid could mean alot of things? Ah well not to worrry.

sorry if this message isnt great im not thinking that good really

Kayfer well done you, you went to work XXXXXX Ruby wax was on the telly this morning she was talking about her depression she mentioned the depression you can battled with and the all consuming one which swallows people up, and shuts them down. She explained it better than that. When i was ill i battled the demon I throttled it, I went to work and I fought him so hard, my little secret, smile smile smile hide the sadness beneath, i marched on everyday,then all of a sudden i shut down. I used to shut down come the afternoon i could not function it was if i was drunk, I literally shut down. I then developed huge boils all over me, horrid boils, some doctors said it was a virus I had, others said i was bi polar I think they called effective ??? bi polar meaning I went from one to the other in one day, other doctors said i had ME, other doctors said it was stress. Anyway I stayed in bed with a lethargy that meant i crawled to the toilet, i just slept and slept and slept then it turned to a sadness a horrible horrible sadness, insomnia and depression !!!! . I had the most awful self destructive thoughts mostly suicide, I couldn’t read, my brain was too whizzie, it was horrid, The doctors put me on epilem (the eplileptic drugs)to calm me down then i became really really slow. The thoughts slowed down too, but I felt sooo tired. I needed help, I wasn’t getting it from the NHS so the occupational health ladies sent me self help tapes, they were wonderful I began to improve, and I started to think better , I thinked myself better ha ha, and they sent around a wonderful lady from the health team. She sat and chatted to me once a week and made me feel better each and every time I saw her. Now having listened to and read every self help book on the shelf, i swear prevention is better than cure. Now I am reading Marissa again and you would love it, at the moment it was written for you XX i shall tell you about it later, i need to read more first. I have found also that when i followed marissa diet plan my thoughts are more positive no milk and no bread. I had so much energy and saw everything in a different perspective. You need a professional to tell you, you need some expert advice. I am here to tell the tale, one of my friends has the all shut down depression and is catatonic ( i think that is the correct term) she hates visitors so i only see her when she lets me. When she does I want to cry because she is the most beautiful bubbly giggly cheekie person i know and she is so intelligent and great fun to be with. Now she is in a trance like state with no emotion. She does get better eventually and we just don’t mention the illness. She has a dreadful relationship with her mother and she had an affair at work. Actually I have a dreadful relationship with my mother, who is an uneffectionate alcoholic . I need to read psychologies mothers and daughters, see what i can find to sort out us girls heads more. Kayfer would you give Kayfer a hug for me tonight and tell her how proud you are of her and what a wonderful wonderful mum wife and friend she is would you do that from me. Xx HUG HUG HUG XXX

yes I made it to work but feel worse than ever tonight, i am soo angry and pissed off with this thing that is all consuming me right now, Im sick of it - right now I cant see an end to it, im scared im going to get worse before i get better - dont think i am off to work tomorrow thats for sure, Im trying to fight it but its hard, I cant do it anymore ....... im crying right now out of self pity, frustration just the sheer unfairness of it all, why cant i be happy, its not right. or why cant i not be depressed at least, i just need to feel normal, its driving me mad.

wish I could scream or shout or something but i cant, think my little boy would be quite upset at that, feel like im bottling it all up somehow and im going to blow I can feel it, it happened last year when I felt depressed, I just went mad one day and slammed doors and fell to the floor screaming, it was awful, thats never happened to me before so I was very upset and shaken by it, thats what urged me to go for counselling which unfortunately came to an end at xmas due to no funding

what the hell do I do now????? i feel like smashing something up - im soo angry not with anyone but just angry about the whole thing.

Do you love your husband ? sorry I asked that question XX you sound like somebody who is trapped or not being heard. I view depression like birth, giving birth hurts soooooooo much you have to push the baby out to end the pain. Then it’s the start of a new life. Where there is depression there comes about a change, a new life, a new you emerges stronger. Because YOU ARE GOING TO GET BETTER. The frustration is being trapped needing to change not knowing how or what to do or where to go. You might hate the demon the black dog but it’s going to make you do something about it before long, something that will improve your prospects and you’ll find happiness again. You need lots of love and support Xx I just know you are going to end up understanding why you are feeling this way in the future and understand better why you feel so low now. You might become a therapist or healer yourself one day. You didn’t do anything wrong screaming, thats what people do when they aren’t happy Xx You just not happy now and one day you’ll be somebodys rock who is going through the same when you are a manager or something Xx lifes rich tapestry Xx to make you stronger wiser and believe in yourself more pushing you to improve and make progress pushing you to understand better,  perhaps what you mum was going through, why she took drugs and drink to cope, who knows. Xx Please look out for number one and be selfish at the monent, needs must Xx HUGS Chloe Xxx you are going to get better Xx you are going to be happy again some day Xx

Dear Kayfer, I can feel the frustration and rage that you are going through and whilst it feels terrible and explosive, it is not the resignation that you feel when you want to go to bed and sleep.  It is frustration because you are fed up with how you are feeling now and want and are ready for change.  I remember a mentor always saying to me that frustration is good as it means that things will change.  It doesn’t feel good I know.  Resignation is bad as there is no hope.  The emotions are no easier to handle and if you want a good scream, can you wait until your little boy is at the childminder’s and go ahead and have a good scream.  Feeling trapped is not a good feeling either.  If you feel that you can do what you feel like doing (i.e. having a good scream) that in itself may help.  I’m sure that we’ve all done for much less reason that you feel the need to do it.  We’ve all kicked doors or hit door posts (I know I have) but I would recommend screaming over those as they hurt.  Although it doesn’t feel like it, I agree with Chloe that you seem much closer to starting to feel better than you can probably imagine and definitely feel right now.  If you don’t go to work today, try to do something that would make you feel better.  Try to think of what would make you feel better today and do it (if it’s possible?).  Nurture your body and soul even if it is reading a magazine with a cup of tea.  Thinking of you and sending you lots of love, Helen

I needed to ask about your husband because I felt the same in a relationship i was in over 20 years ago and I smashed a bottle of milk and fell to the ground crying. I was so desparately unhappy in the relationship I was in. You said in your first post you thought you married your husband for the wrong reasons and I wondered if you are trapped, that trapped feeling can cause the same mad frustration in me Xx sorry I had to ask Xx I read in a magazine that it’s good to have tantrums and it gets it all out. Could you punch a pillow really hard, Gestalt therapy. You might release good chemicals if you scream, shout at the pigeons xx. I usually sit on the beach and watch the waves go in and out slowly calming me down and have a good cry. If you have taken the day off today could you do what Helen said read a nice magazine, watch a nice movie while your son is with the minder or go out shopping. I used to walk around our massive Asda for hours, visit a coffee shop and people watch. Even if you reside to staying in bed all day, it’s all about you. Please give yourself a big hug from me Xx HUGS XX These are what I do when i need some respite and you have a little tiny person to look after, would you do something that makes you feel great, please give yourself permission to give yourself some TLC super mum. However cute and adorable the little people are you need to let somebody give you a break, or are you needed to be with your son. DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL HAPPY.p.s I have started getting into marissa book and it is brilliant, the irony is when people are not 100% they aren’t in the mood to read self help thats why i bought the amazon tapes and listen to them curled up on the sofa or in bed. Have you got any bachs flower rememdy or could you take a really lovely scented bath. I am just prompting you to look after yourself, it’s not a sin, it’s just like the flu, you are not well, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT,ride the wave, look after number one, you are going to get better. We are all here to tell the tale and help you through thisXXXXX you are going to get Better XXX you are going to get happy again XXX just ride this wave and look after yourself Xxtoday be in pursuit of happiness XXX for me Xx

hi im at home today, that question you asked about loving my husband, is the question i was dreading.
oh god - i just want to swear chloe i really do ... i dont honestly know, and i hate myself for it - its going round in mind all the time - ‘do i love him’, should we be together, are we right for each other, what about my son, im not strong enough for leaving anyway, oh my god - i am sorry Chloe I really am - my head is a mess right now - so how on earth can i answer that question, sometimes i look at him and think, ‘what do if see in him’ i dont get the ‘phwoar’ when i look at him, never get excitement about him’ but he is so lovely, i couldnt bear to hurt him, i think we need to work at it thats all. We’ve been together 13 years now so we must be doing something right, my friend says im so lucky to have him and another says we make a good couple.

on the other hand ive had totally different responses from family, my mum said when we first met, oh why him, your so pretty, he’s not really’ my aunt who i went on holiday with before we married said on the plane, ‘what your gonna marry that four eyed, goofy man, are you sure?’ then another time when I was going out with another aunt on a night out said to her friend who was just about to meet my hubby said ‘oh he’s not what you think he’ll be’ however my mum has said shes grown to love him and that he is good to me. I do love him but am not in love with him, is it really important to be in love with your husband.

so i know it all sounds so awful what ive typed but its things that have stuck with me over all these years and I guess its casted doubts in my mind - perhaps i just dont have a mind of my own and always think other peoples opinions are more important than my own. to be honest i think ive always been messed up.

I keep telling myself it doesnt really matter that I dont really fancy him, because he’s much more than what he looks like, I do find him attractive at times but then other times I think he could take abit more care of himself, he never shops for his own clothes (i do) and always has me cut his hair, unless i push him to go the hairdressers, he does dress alot better then he did - but ive found myself nagging him to work out abit and build up muscle (i worry he’s going to let himself go, and then what) - god I sound awful dont i - i think alot of this has made me depressed but i keep pushing it to the back of my mind, we cant just split up, not now - we have our son to think about.

im sorry for going on i really am, i even said on our weekend away for my birthday that i thought we should split up and that we shouldnt be together, but he just ignored it and said its the depression talking,

i cant believe ive just opened up like this ................... now i am worried :(
Chloe im sure you’ll get on your soap box now,
thanks Helen for your message.

ive never felt so lonely in all my life but im so grateful for you guys. x please dont hate me

Hello Kayfer, how are you doing?

Even though you couldn’t make it into work today, at least you went yesterday. That’s definitely a positive.

I’ve read that depression is a very selfish illness, so don’t be too hard no yourself for thinking a bit negatively about your husband. There’s not really much I can say on that topic cos your real feelings for him are only known by yourself, and even they are probably fairly clouded at the moment. I would urge you to try not to listen to what other people (friends and/or family) say about him though, cos everyone is different and everyones tastes are different (for example, Lady GaGa splits a lot of my friends in half, some finding her dead sexy, some, including myself, thinking she is a mess! Sorry Lady GaGa, no offence!) and not just in looks, but also personality. If we were all attracted to the same kind of looks and personality, there would be a few very popular men and women, but many many many single people!

Unfortunately, I think that mental illnesses im many ways are harder to sort out than physical ones, partly cos like I said before, you can’t see mental issues, but also cos less is known about them. I understand you want to be fine NOW, but if I’m being honest, I think it will take time. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t get better and it doesn’t have to mean that your life will be bad for a long time yet, it just means that it’ll take some time and work, and I urge you to give it just that, time and work. If you put too much pressure on yourself to be better in a few weeks, I wonder if it could end up making you worse. It’s important to have goals and you should keep trying to make them, but try to make them realistic, and don’t get too annoyed with yourself if you don’t reach those goals (people who don’t suffer from depression fail to reach their goals all the time, so it’s OK for depressed people to sometimes miss them too), just try to set more. I know all this is much much easier said than done, but it’s worth the effort, cos life is worth the effort (although it might not seem that way now) and your husband and child are worth the effort too, whether your husband is the perfect man or not!!! Actually, on that subject, I’m a man so can’t speak for woman directly, but would you really want a perfect man!?! That’d add it’s own kind of pressure! Believe me, I know, my wife tells me all the time!!!!!!!!! God I hope she doesn’t read this!!!

Anyway Kayfer, I really hope you are OK.

thanks brencoot for your message, I was beginning to feel all alone in the world.

i sure hope my hubby doesnt read what ive written, i mean how awful if he did, he really is a great guy and no he’s not perfect but neither am I, Id say im average looking but have lots of faults, appearance and otherwise, for a start I have awful varicose veins, they are getting really bad and that isnt helping my self esteem, my chin seems to disappear, never have had a good profile - think i should have plastic surgery. then again think i can live with my face - it really isnt that bad, on a good day i can look quite pretty - i do get fed up of having to cut hubbys hair though, he doesnt have that much to start with but why cant he go to the hairdressers like everyone else, oh and why cant he go clothes shopping himself, like I do for mine, is that a man thing?  I feel like his mum sometimes and him my counsellor, no wonder theres no spark in the bedroom, oh i do his ironing and pack up too, so perhaps i am his mum.  sometimes i think he’s too good to me and then other times i think he’s an absolute a….......e, whenever we argue its always me who gets upset and says sorry,he can be so stubborn at times - luckily we dont argue much. Dont know why im telling you this - i think im just trying to make sense of it all, perhaps thats part of the healing process, its nice been at home alone, although im not too keen on my own company specially when depressed.

wheres a good counsellor when I need one, i keep meaning to have a look for one online and get sidetracked.

thanks again, i would love to set goals but not sure what to set?

Dear Kayfer, it’s good that you have been honest with your company about your depression and that they are trying to be understanding.  Given that they know that you have depression, they have a duty of care to you to do their best to help in any way they can to not aggrevate your condition.
I hope that your rage has subsided and that you have managed to do something that you like doing today.  Having a family often particularly denies the mother from having time to herself or doing things or buying things herself.  Many of my friends who have children feel guilty doing anything for themselves or buying anything for themselves.  Whilst being a mother is very important so is being you.  If you are happy, inevitably your children will be happy.  They are very sensitive to moods and can pick up emotions too well.  When the parent is uptight they react negatively and are often difficult to settle which then further aggrevates the parent’s mood.  It’s a viscious circle.
Unhappiness in one area of your life often leads to unhappiness in most other areas of your life and it can be very easy to blame the wrong area of your life as the culprit for your unhappiness. 
My job was my unhappiness but for a long time I blamed my husband for my unhappiness.  Both my job and my husband were new in my life and I felt like my Depression was new as far as I was concerned.  I blamed the wrong one.
Before you make any rash decisions about anything, try to get to the bottom of your unhappiness, either on your own of by talking to someone or maybe with the help of a therapist.  I would hate you to end a relationship or your job and regret it and be unable to do anything about it when you are feeling better.
My husband often used to say to me ‘That’s the black dog talking’.  He read a lot about how to deal with a depressed partner and knew far more about the illness that I ever did and he was right.  It’s difficult not to fall into carer and patient role when you are so close and it can be hard to see each other as husband and wife.  Maybe couple counselling with Relate could help with this.  I have heard great things about Relate.  I took a friend to an EFT therapist recently to try to rebuild a marriage.  It was amazing how well it worked for 2 weeks.  She was supposed to call for a refresher after 2 weeks but because she thought that everything was ok she didn’t bother following up and the situation reverted back to estrangement.  You said yourself that it takes effort to make a relationship work.  Maybe don’t make any big decisions about work or relationships until you are feeling stronger and better in yourself.  Regret is a terrible emotion and could make things worse while you are still not feeling so well.  My thoughts are with you Kayfer.  Best wishes, Heleln

Oh gosh Kayfer sorry I asked you that question. Alot of my friends go through the same and i had to ask the question about hubby so you know you are not alone. Friends are having a dreadful time with their libido and fancying their men after having children. Please hang in there and love what is at the moment your little boy is so young XXx

oh god, ive just had a text off my sister and im shocked to say the least,

i sent her a text to ask if she was ok with me after I said not to come and visit at the weekend due to being depressed, well this is her reply:

Hi im ok thanks, I havent given up on you, i just hope that you have your apt booked with your counsellor cos there is no point waiting, I was very disappointed about the weekend, we had to sleep in the car as there were no hotels and we had been driving for 6 hrs looking for somewhere, i understand your depression but when you have very little opportunity to see your family and you choose not to then I think that you are not helping yourself. I have been depressed myself, having lost my dad, my job, my house and split up with my partner of 14 yrs all within 12 months, yet I know that I still wouldnt turn my family away. I am not here just to make other people feel better, it is a two way street. Let me know how your CBT session goes x

i knew she was annoyed with me but wasnt expecting that kind of reply, I know she’s been through a lot and I do feel for her, i havent replied to the text as dont know what to say to make her understand.

Why has she laid it on so thick, its like she’s meaning to make me feel like the worst person ever, we’ve never been particularly close and I’ll never forget a time when she called me a selfish bitch, just cos I changed my mind about going out as a family, think i was depressed then. I think she’s been rather harsh on me here.

Am I being oversensitive or does she seem abit hard. Arrrrgghhhh why did she ask to come over in the first place, I really wish she hadnt, and why didnt i just be honest in the first place, im such a people pleaser.

Thanks for your replies, dont worry chloe about asking the question, i saw it coming.