Hi there,

It’s my first time here, and I would like to share my journey and my brief story with you all, hoping for support and inspiration.

I had my first major depression in 2006.  It was pretty scary as I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t see etc… I didn’t know what was going on till I rang my best friend and told her that I am ready to die, because it is just not worth living like this.  My usual self was positive, fun and driven.  Luckily that she came to get me from my home, and then took me to see the doctors etc.  It took me nearly a year to recover from that.  I had gave up work, my postgraduate study and pretty much all what I was doing before in order to get better.

I thought I was all better, so I started working in 2007.  However, it only lasted for a month as I just couldn’t cope with it anymore.  Relapse - I was devastated.  Luckily that my parents helped me to get through this.  Yes, it took me another year to get back into the real world. 

2008 was a good year for me.  I worked pretty much the whole year, and I met an amazing guy.  Early 2009, I took up a new job in a new city and was declared by my doctor - ALL GOOD TO GO!  I was so happy to hear that, and also came off the medication as I felt I could do this on my own now.  However, the good days didn’t last that long, by May this year, I knew that I was getting sick again.  I became very moody, not interested in anything, couldn’t face noise, couldn’t cope work, crying a lot, couldn’t get out of the bed, anxious and worried all the time etc…  it just got worse and worse.  Finally I had to tell my family, because I just couldn’t go on like this anymore. 

I had to stop working again, I have to pretty much stopped all what I was doing before due to the relapse AGAIN.  I feel SO hopeless and disappointed yet again.  Will I ever be ready to get back into the real world again?  Why is RELAPSE happening again?  What’s quality of life as I am just exhausted by this?  I know that I have been here before, and I got better after a while, but I just hate having the RELAPSE - IT MESSES MY LIFE.  It is so dark and lonely where I am at the moment.  It feels that everyone’s got leave me in the end, because of my non-stop Depression.  Actually I feel that I have left myself long time ago :-0

Hope you are all well out there.  Love to hear from you sometimes, so I could be stronger and less scared of my journey with Depression.

Thank you for listening.

LOL

You amazing person you, you are feeling so low yourself but you still have such empathy for others.  You’ve done so well to come through two bouts of depression and even get back to work so I cannot imagine how you feel being faced with another one. 
Have you had any form of talking therapy in the past?  If not would you consider it? CBT helps you replace unhelpful ways of thinking with new and better ones to help you. Talking to someone objective who won’t judge and who you can feel comfortable talking openly with can be a huge help.  They can often help you get to the bottom of what is causing the depression very quickly.  They are the experts in this field and can show you the tools to manage and cure your depression.  Your doctor will be able to recommend someone and hopefully pretty quickly given that this is your third episode of depression.  You say that you recognised the symptoms early this year.  CBT would help you make a plan of action to effect as soon as you feel your depression creeping up on you. 
Is there anything in your life that has been upsetting you or that may be adding to your stress and have triggered another bout?  Can you put your finger on what was going on in your life at the time of your episodes that may help you decifer a link.
It sounds like you have lovely family and friends around you who love you dearly.  I am not sure if your wonderful man is still in your life.  I know that you are in a horrible place right now where you feel like you’ve dropped off the world and it’s carrying on without you but when the light does start to flicker again and you get back on, the best people in your life will still be there. 
Please do let us know how you are getting on and do think about getting some talking therapy. Thinking of you. Helen

Nobodys going to leave you because your not very well, they just stay out of the way until your better. Some of my friends and family disappeared when i was depressed because they didn’t know what to say and hey you have new friends here who can listen to what you are going through and not judge you for it. Perhaps I ve not felt the same as you yet I can empathise and care about your feelings and listen to you. Your other friends may find it hard to understand at the moment yet they’ll come back when your ready. Some people disappear for all different kinds of reasons and hey how many million people are in this country and the world. Do you still hang out with your friends from playschool, junior school, college no you have made lots of new ones and you’ll continue to make lots of new ones all through your life. I guess us humans might find it impossible to be friendless when there are so many of us out here. There is never a missed opportunity to make new friends Xx YOU ARE GOING TO GET BETTER XX these feelings are going to pass and one day you’ll look back and realise what a wonderful strong courageous woman you truly are and you’ll know how to help others. The best healers are the worse wounded. You’ll get better one day like me and Helen and look back at it all. Xxx Hugs XXxx hang in there ride the wave and be strong, we are here to listen.

Hi Helen and Chloe,

Thank you for your beautiful messages. 

This is a great service here, and you have created something amazing here, Helen

Just to reply to your emails here, 2009 has been rough as my parents got sick, and I was very worried about them.  I took time off work, so I could look after them(traveling between two cities).  I thought I was going to lose both of them in the same week :-0 My boyfriend has been great, and is trying to understand what I am going through, has not been easy though :-0.  He asked me: What happened to this Fun, Positive and Happy person that I met? 

The job that I took up early this year is in a different city, and I really miss my family, so we have decided to move back home in order to be closer to our families.  My boyfriend’s mum’s a nice lady, but she wants grandkids.  Knowing my condition, I am scared of even thinking about having children :-0 I think that being far away from my family, knowing my parent are not well and the pressure from other people are all triggers for my relapse this time. 

As for talk therapy, I have been seeing psychologists since 2006.  It helped me a lot in the first 2 years as I learned about CBT etc.  However, I feel that I am running out of things to talk about as it is the same old stuff again. 

As for work, I have a legal background.  Ever since 2006, my work has been disrupted due to Depression.  All those years’ study, hard work and dreams have been shattered.  However, I got back to law this year as I thought I was all better.  The Black Dog came back again, and I could not face going to the office, not to mention the workload etc.  I have asked time off from work, and to be honest, I am not sure whether I will ever be ready to go back.  The thought of having another Relapse is just so scary :-0 I sleep a lot at the moment.  It feels safe to be in bed.  Pretty much everyday I wonder if there are any suitable careers & jobs for people who have depression?

I was a happy kid when I was growing up; my teenage years - I was still hopeful towards a great life even though there were rough times like parents’ separation etc; in my 20’s; I was very driven and ambitious to have a career, and I did; now I am in my 30’s, it seems I have lost all what I hoped and dreamed for because of this “BLACK DOG”!

Helen and Chloe, are you both recovered?  How did you do it?  I feel that I can do this again, but it would really help if I could be inspired by people like you and the others who are doing it well

Thank you and take care!

lol

I have an amazing friend who was training to be a doctor when i was ill. He believed in me. That’s all it took. He told me to get out of the environment i was in at the time and go to university, and there wasn’t anything wrong with me it was just other people putting me down and that i was not happy in my job. I didn’t believe I could do it. He did and I trusted him, so i packed up my job, became a student, made loads of wonderful friends met my husband. Now I live to tell the tale I graduated pregnant and now live in a different town. My friend also introduced me to Wayne Dyer. I listened to wayne dyer alot !!!! and began to believe in myself. I also read Susan Jeffers. Since then I read everything and everything to keep myself on track. I am reading Marissa’s book at the moment. My friend also introduced me to NLP and Amazon and Nightingale Conant and I listened to every tape cd that inspired me. I found it difficult to read so i needed audio tapes. Work also sent me tapes to listen to at home. I did CBT and found it too long winded. I prefer Bryron Katie she tell you to ask yourself 4 questions to a negative thought is it true ? it is really true ? how would you feel if you happen had that thought - i.e happier and turn it around i.e so and so doesn’t like me actually I don’t like so and so. So what you think you are thinking about others is really you projecting yourself onto others. You actual see your own faults in the other person. Also she asks you to love what is accept the untidy son love the untidy son love the son eventhough he is untidy don’t try and change him. I thought last night as I lay in bed you would ask that question and i was reminded also I came off the pill. I remembered my depression starting when i started to take contraception. I noticed the most sound minded friends said they did not take contraception. I spoke to my doctor and she said hey hormones give us woman enough hastle as it is and i stopped taking it. PLEASE be careful if you decide to do that. My daughter is the very best thing that has ever happened to me. I rarely feel alone and she took my mind off any worries because I didn’t have time to worry. This beautiful tiny vulnerable baby needed me 24/7 and I was smitten. I am being nagged and need to go now and buy some goats !!! talk later Xx Chloe

Hi Chloe,

Thank you for sharing with me. 

I am so happy for your new life.  Your babe daughter sounds lovely

I am motivating myself to be strong again, and even took myself out for a beautician appointment today.  Didn’t think I was gonna make it, but I am glad that I did something for myself and got out of the house

I also have a beautiful man in my life at the moment.  Still I fear that he’ll leave me because of my Depression.  However, so far so good.  Today we arranged for the removalist for next month and gave leave notice to the real estate agent.  He did most of the work, and I just helped a little bit due to my current condition.  It feels nice to be looked after by someone who actually cares

Family and love have kept me going for all those years, and I am forever grateful for what I have been blessed with in my life.

Now I have met amazing people like you, and I feel very very glad to have met you.

Hope you are having a good day.

Take care and talk soon

lol

You have that tenacious never surrender like sir winston churchill, a fellow sufferer what a deep thinker what a great man. Actually I look at all the wonderful celebrities who are sufferers and I sometimes wonder if it’s because you need to progress you need to change direction. Would we do this or would we veggitate, stagnant. Depression was my time to make changes to sit up take notice create the next chapter. Start to appreciate whats good, realise who are the wonderful friends who are not. It’s like a divorce from life, I noticed so much which I would not normally have seen. People showed their true colours. I receive love and support from people who I never knew were capable of such kindness Xx need to go again XX p.s Your partner loves you he’s not going anywhere. He would have gone by now, plus you make him feel needed, that’s lovely to feel needed. I love that with my family Xx

We haven’t got the goats yet they are GORGEOUS so cute. We are collecting them next week. I sit and watch the animals, and they are unconditional. I accidently dropped a fence post on one of my chickens and i thought oh gosh she won’t come near me again now yet she does, i am forgiven. I guess Byron Katie was watching animals with the unconditional ‘love what is philosophy’. Katie tells you to love your illness, not fight it. when you fight something it fights you back. Have you read Brencoot posts he is a carer. His posts inspire me. I have started to think about having friends around for card games. We have had so much fun doing that in the past and playing games like monopoly. I also thought about getting out more so I have offered to walk a friends dog as she is due to have her baby. I am glad you enjoy our girlie chat, just sharing oppinions, facts and I figgers !!! can help recgharge your own advice, and you’ll find all the answers in you you will just like the life coaches drag them out of clients, you’ll find what is best for you. I am glad I could cheer you up with empathy from my experiences and not bore you. Exercise is a greater healer too and time. I also began to pat myself on the back instead of beat myself. like a new born encourage myself with words of love and encouragement. I shut up the could do better in me !!! this is a new direction small baby steps as Helen puts it, the new walk, the little baby steps need WELL DONE Xx your marvellous wonderful you. Congratulations you are making a real effort and you need to reward yourself. YOUR WONDERFUL and you like Helen and I are going to get better XXX move on and live to tell the tale and you’ll be stronger wiser and true Xx Marissa’s words of wisdom helped me ‘I am enough’ I stop pushing for the perfection that doesn’t exist the great destroyer of all. Damn it I am enough. You got me warts and all. Here I am and I have done well by being me , so why fix something that isn’t broke. I am enough Xx

Hi Chloe,

I love reading your email.  They are real and full of lives   Glad you are getting the goats next week!

Well, I started getting out of the house this week.  Went to a GYM class today, and it was great   Getting up & getting out of the house was a bit tricky though, but I made it, and feel quite proud of myself

Taking babe steps is what I am doing, and I feel quite calm today.

It is not easy to be a carer, and I will read Brencoot’s forum on that as you suggested.  This year, I spent some time in the hospital to care for my parents.  It was not a pleasant place to be at all :-0 Loads of waiting in between surgeries; endless worries¬knowing if they were OK… My parents are recovering, and I am feeling the sadness & loss now, hoping they’ll be around forever

Depression has brought me closer to my family as they didn’t give up on me.  Depression also taught me what LOVE is.  It is something that money or material things cannot buy.  It is simple and warms your heart.  Depression has allowed me to stop, and see what’s important for me.  I am learning to adjust and finding the limits accordingly.  It has not been easy, but I feel hopeful especially meet you guys, knowing it is possible to have a life with Depression in it.  I am not sure what direction it is taking me this time, but I understand now that it is OK to be sick.  We are all human beings.

My boyfriend and I are leaving our place and going on a trip next month.  I am both scared and excited about the trip.  I love traveling, and used to travel quite a lot.  However, I have not traveled since 2006 due to Depression.  I have been on my medication for a few weeks, and I also checked with the doctor re the trip.  All is well.  I am hopeful for my adventure again, you know, getting on the plane and see how other people live

Chloe, I like the fact that you get yourself motivated and organize different things.  I used play cards a lot when I was young.  It was fun and simple, and does not involve $$$   I also look forward to walking with my dog when I move closer home.  Pets bring so much joy.

Wow, I have written a huge message.  Hope you are not bored with it.

Thank you for listening and sharing, Chloe

Did you know, that in your gorgeous little planet’s entire history, there’s never been a drought that didn’t end? A storm that didn’t clear? Lightning that didn’t retreat? An earthquake that didn’t still? A flood that didn’t recede? Or a plague that wasn’t, eventually, overwhelmed by the healthy? I got this message today from TUT mike dooley TUT from the universe they are my inspiration and I love them. I receive an email everyday for free. Anyway today it made me think of you. You are going to be fine and you are going to have a lovely time. You are one of lifes beautiful survivors and you are going to come back refreshed and feeling great . Thoughts become things, mike dooley says and they do for me when i think this way, because like marissa says in her book think happy see happy. A tutor at university said to me you live in a fluffy bunny world get real and see how awful it is. I thought how sad !!!! hey I like fluffy bunny world and so do my friends. He also said councellors are blood suckers for other people misery. Ummm not everybody thinks like him. I carrot understand what his problem was Xx Any way it is cool to be happy, it makes life so much easier. What i am saying you don’t have to agree, but you can have a think about it and see what you think. You are going to start thinking happier thoughts until they become things and you’ll be better XX HUGS XX just a thought !! makes sure its a good one tee hee

Dear Hope, I have to submit this reply in 2 parts as the forum takes 6000 characters and it’s telling me that I have written a lot more that that! 

I started to draft a reply last night to your question about recovery and how to do it.  Then I read your post this morning and you have written exactly what I was going to write.  Depression is such a complicated illness.  When the mind goes wrong you’ve got problems.  Even the experts are still struggling with answers to how the mind works and to understand depression and indeed how antidepressants work so goodness knows it’s difficult for the sufferer.

Very simply, I think that we should try to fill our lives with more of what we enjoy and less of what we don’t.  That is very simplified I know.  We can’t help the emotional roller coaster of illness, death, grief etc that life throws at us all and we all have bills to pay but if you really don’t enjoy what you do and are unhappy for a long period of time, it has a way of biting you back and stopping you from doing it anyway and then it’s even harder to pay your bills as you can’t work. A lot of us choose our jobs/careers for financial reward and get wrapped up with maintaining that lifestyle (ME TOO) but if you look around some of the wealthiest people are the unhappiest.  You are so right about money.  It can’t buy love and happiness. 

I am a also a firm believer in time being a great healer - it sucks but it’s true.  I had a lot of therapy too but didn’t take a lot of it in for the first few years because I wasn’t ready to hear it.  For a long time I didn’t believe that I would ever get better and if I am honest, for a long time I didn’t want to get better.  When I did decide that I wanted to get better, I would have done anything and listened to anyone.  It took me a long time to realize that the answer had to come from within.  Even when I had established that fact, it took me a long time to believe that I had the energy or the ability to come up with the answer and work towards it.

Like you I felt that all my studying had been in vain and my dreams were in tatters.  My trading exams lapsed and I didn’t have the energy or I felt the brain power to do them all again.  Looking back (hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it?), I can see that I wasn’t helping myself by remembering my life before depression as perfect. As far as I was concerned, I could never get back to that as it was so far away but that is because I was imagining it as the perfect life that it never was.  This life had caused my breakdown and depression so it couldn’t have been that great.  So to answer your question, I think that being honest with myself was a big step forward towards getting better. 

I also felt that I had lost my purpose and focus in life.  We all need a purpose and focus in life to allow us grow.  Without it we wither and die. I allowed my career to become my total identity and when I lost it, I felt that I had lost everything.  This has taught me about life balance and I will never put all my eggs in one basket again!  I tried to think about another career that would be suited to my personality and what I like doing.  I like helping others and seeing others happy.  I cannot bear to see pain in others.  I think this goes back to seeing so much pain in my family when I was a child when my mother died very young leaving my very young siblings and my father.  This would make sense as my sister is the same. That’s how the website came about.  I thought that if I could help others get the support that I felt my husband (as my carer) and I didn’t get, I could feel happy.

I am also in the process of opening my first ‘mood café’.  This has also come about as a result of my illness.  Never in a million years did I think that I would be opening a restaurant.  I thought that I would be in the city for ever.  When I was ill I used to want to be alone.  I spent a lot of time sitting in cafes on my own drinking coffee and eating cakes!  Not great for me I know but I craved caffeine and sugar.  I guess I needed to get energy from somewhere as I had none of my own.  The caffeine and sugar fixes were short lived so I spent a lot of time in cafes trying to top them up!  Like a lot of people, when I was depressed I was very sensitive to other people and used to take it totally personally if people weren’t nice.  I would get very upset when I thought the staff weren’t very helpful.  Also, the cakes in a lot of the cafes were awful.  This has led me to want to open mood cafes with food that is delicious, healthy and fresh and good for you, with fantastic, upbeat and professional staff, with an environment that makes people leave all their worries at the door.

I never thought that I would be opening cafes or running a website for depression and certainly not writing a book about it.  So in a roundabout way I have ended up doing what I like doing. 

My husband and I are separated now because of my illness but he has said to me that my illness was obviously for a reason and that is to help others.  That tells you what an amazing person he is.  Oh, and you shouldn’t rush this process.  Be kind to yourself.  Depression is bad enough without the added pressure of you being hard on yourself.  I used to literally beat myself up in frustration and be angry at myself for being for weak.  This didn’t help me either.  I have always felt that frustration brings about change but we are often our worst critic and not very nice to ourselves. 
So to summarise after a very long explanation (sorry about that!), I think that my recovery has been very much down to:

1.  Doing more of what I enjoy and less of what I don’t.
2.  Realising that I am enough – I don’t need money and ‘stuff’ to measure myself
2.  Being honest with myself
3.  Purpose and Focus
4.  Life balance
5.  Be kind to myself – Treat yourself like you treat your best friend.

Part 2!
A lot of things that help with depression are incongruent with depression.  When we are depressed we often seek refuge in our beds.  We just want to go to bed to sleep and block out the world.  I have never felt better doing this though and don’t know anyone who has.  I never woke up after the hours, days or weeks that I spent in bed raring to go.  Exercise, sunshine, and laughter are great antidotes to depression but you don’t feel like doing them when you are depressed.  However, when I did do these things, I felt much better.  You have to keep doing them though as the effect wears off when you stop doing them.  So if you find something that you like doing, you are more likely to do them again and get the benefit from them.

Well done you for going along to your exercise class and I am sure that your dog will really help you too.  My dog helped me greatly.  I used to go running with my dog too.  (I started off walking but the fitter I got and the more my mood improved the faster we went much to my dog’s delight!  I think she was totally bored with walking for the first few weeks).

You are amazing for stepping outside your comfort zone too with your upcoming holiday.  The more you step outside it the more comfortable it becomes and you extend the reach of your comfort zone and the possibilities open up.

Goodness, I hope this helps and I am sorry it’s so long.  Wishing you all the best and a fantastic holiday with your fantastic man.

Helen

Chloe and Helen,

Love your messages - they make me feel nice and warm inside. 

I just can’t believe that you would actually take your valuable time and write to me.  Most of all, you make sense.  I CAN REALLY RELATE TO YOU BOTH

I even alarmed myself this morning to wake up at 10am as I have been sleeping till whenever most days.  Joining this website has motivated me to get up in the morning.  Thank you for not giving up on me, and pulled me up from the very very dark and empty hole that I was in when I first joined.

Slowly, I feel that I am climbing out of the hole, very slowly but gradually I hope.

Things are quite overwhelming today as we have just been told by the real estate agent that we have to pay extra fees for breaking up the lease earlier, need to continue to pay for lease till they find new tenants etc… it is all $$$ related, and I feel it is just too much.  What if no one wants to move in? what if we are running out of money?  My beautiful boyfriend was stressed today, and I feel sorry for all this.  Only if I wasn’t sick, then we don’t have to break the lease;  Only if I wasn’t sick, I would still have a good income… blah blah blah :-0

Chloe, I like the fluffy bubbles, and I imagine myself in it right now, so I can get through today.  Thank you

Helen, I have written down the Recovery points that you shared with me - I like them, and would like to put them into practice.  They make sense, but not sure what to do exactly yet…

“Mood Cafe” what a great idea!!!  I love good coffee and cakes.  I also enjoy cooking, and it makes me feel a sense of achievement when I make something&share;with people that appreciate and love food:-)  Maybe I can help out at your Cafe one day? Just a crazy thought… it is just so inspirational for me to be able to share my journey with people who understand and are non-judgmental.  Thank you  

Thank you for being here for me, Chloe and Helen.  You are wonderful people

lol
Hope

I will second that, Chloe and Helen have been so supportive to me too and I like you Hope have found something really special here and thank my lucky stars I did.

Ive just read your post Hope and am depressed myself so am not the best person to offer much right now only that I send my best wishes your way and to say hang on in there, you will get better, you sound a lovely person.

Bye for now and hope you have a good day.

ps Helen I also love the sound of the mood cafe idea, can I help out one day too lol

Have a great day Helen, Chloe and Hope

You’ll pay it forward one day just like me you’ll tell somebody your story so they don’t feel so upset. You might need to lessen the pain because you know how horrid it was. I could not stop the horrid thoughts, the horrid self destructing behaviour the loathing the misery. I said to a friend I just want to cut off my head and stop thinking !!!!! Thats why I need to reassure you. Reassure you be there for you and one day you’ll do the same for somebody else. Like the movie ‘pay it forward’ .I read the story in marissa’s book of the father who bought his son a horse the son breaks his leg and the father is mortified and angry he bought the horse. then the country goes to war and the son does not get called up because of his injury. Things happen for a reason !! heard that one too. I have started to believe all that because I’m getting old and I can look back and smile and I can honestly say every catastrophy in my life has been in my favour in the long run. Oh gosh just realised thats in marissa book too, I must have been taking note. Sorry Kayfer and I are reading Marissa’s book together. Hey we can’t moan when there is a therapist advertising her help for peanuts i.e the price of a book and she’s good !!! So I bought it and I am reading it. I thought why shoot with a bow and arrow when she can offer a machine gun to shoot the devil black dog in us. Material worth to me is nothing compared to LoVe peace of mind it’s just paper !!! or gold or whatever. You haven’t lost your house in a hurricane. It’s just boring old money. The amount of money I have lost on the pavement before now might have fed a tramp. The earth doesn’t lose or gain weight the money hasn’t gone anywhere it comes back as it goes out. A car might drive through your living room next week and kill you all and if it weren’t for your depression you could all been sat there (inspired by marissa’s book) You haven’t done anything wrong. Shit happens !!!! it happens when your happy, it happens when your sad. It is just bad luck for the time being yet luck is going to flow your way again. Hey have you looked up mike dooley yet Xx :0) he is the expert at turning it around and Byron Katie. Listen to them they’ll have you wrapped in knots you’ll wish you were in a really bad way to prove them wrong. Wayne Dyer would say nothing but good can come this, lucky you !. You must read them or get listening to them. Power stuff. Listen to all those beautiful wizards who work magic in your mind that you end up agreeing with them then realise depression can be fun !!!!! look back and laugh smile embrace and giggle. Hey can i be one of those old ladies sat with you watching the sunset saying hey remember the time that happened yer and wasn’t it fun because we all talked about it and made the other one happy. Do you remember the time yer when so and so had that big car that he wrapped around the tree and met the nurse and they had 2 children and the other one is in that whats it called thing on telly, you know the one where it all turns out ok in the end XXX

Hi Chole,

Thanks for reminding me of what’s important in life

You’d be proud of me, I went to a boxing class at the GYM yesterday, and it was worth of the effort to drag myself out of the house

I’ll have to check out Mike and Byran - just made a note to myself as I have just been so wrapped up in organising removals, travel etc.  Cheers for that  

How are you today?

How is the babe girl?

I hope you are well and smiling

I AM ENOUGH!!!

lol