Hey sorry guys I missed your posts i have just read them. God i love the idea of the photo. I have a nice photo of me on the side and it makes me glow inside when i look at it and yes I get the I am enough aha when that happens. I invited Steve to come back on a post yesterday. He is under the TODAY post, I thought us guys could pop over and say hello to him. He sounded really low months back and I thought no news is good news he must be feeling better. So I wondered if we all could pop next door and chat with him. He said he has been going to group therapy, you can read his post Xx I thought that was really decent of him to come back and chat with us, so please say hi Xx Whatever is happening to you guys at the monent is the dreaded black dog and I am sat here wishing I could throw this magic dust all over you and make it go away and I can’t boooo hoooo. I sent a post to Brencoot posts ago before my computer crashed talking about a tree which can not support it’s own weight. It needs to grow next to other trees of the same kind so that all the trees roots can intertwine and then they all hold eachother up. Each tree needed the other to sustain itself. I liken us to those trees. I can hear the paul mac cartneys frog song we all stand together. Yes I wish sometimes I was more beautiful more confident. An NLP therapist said to me when you change you’ll change other things your friends will change with your new life different people will begin to like you and your friends now might not like you. erkhart was saying yesterday to think in the future like that is ludicrous it can never happen always chasing the dream pushing away the reality you have no life ! not his exact words but it is true. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE love what is love the beautiful beautiful women you are. Years ago I went to spend the day with downs children. I was worried being a mature mum how i would manage, plus i could not entertain the idea of an abortion because I knew it would mess me up. So before I had my daughter I asked to spend the day with the children at a centre I was studying health and social care at the time so it did apply to my studies also. The children were Gorgeous so so gorgeous. Really artistic creative beautiful children and so loving. That experience rocked my core. My daughter is not downes, perfect in every way and very beautiful. Yet she moans about her hair her clothes her abilities this perfect little person moans at me she isn’t good enough. Yet those beautiful downes children know they are enough, they never moan about their looks they are so proud of their creations they are content and unconditionally loving and yet people want to abort them before they are born. Nobody on this earth would abort you. Your perfect, born perfect. You are perfect now on a bad hair day. Gosh I used to back comb mine to look a mess because I THOUGHT i looked sexy !! i look at the teenagers now and realise oh my i used to be like that and I think they look awful, I do bless em. I used to wear black lipstick, black lipstick, what was i THINKING i thought i looked great. The black dog is creating your daft thoughts you look great, you look normal and you look wonderful. Confidence is a great buster, i hate it when mine goes down the plug hole , it’s that feeling confident thing again. Feeling confident, if I never had the bad feelings I would not know when I was confident. You might look back and say I was confident but were you ? Did you have the challenges you face now or was it just a beatiful teenage young niavity. God I would love to be a teenager again. Is it a reaction we are all waiting for approval from others. Gosh some of the greatest inventors, builders, artist never got any reward and they were never recognised for there efforts at the time, they died before anybody recognised them. Marissa writes about this in the book about famous icons. Perhaps your just not the same as others perhaps others have not reached your level of maturity yet to appreciate the aha. I told a friend till i was blue in the face have you tried EFT. Oh it was about 7 years ago she didn’t hear me. Now she hears me now she realises what i was talking about. When I did the course the girl sat next to me stunk of bleach she scrumbed herself in bleach everyday numerous times. Tears rolled down my face as I partnered with her. Thinking about looks I also went to have a nose job about 25 years ago now. I sat in the waiting room and I looked at children with their arms stuck to their sides, a lady whose nose was sooooooo dreadful it was like a birds beak, people with deformed feet, ears, then somebody asked me why i was there. THEY HAD TO ASK ME !! it was sooo obvious why they were there. Yes I still have my old nose the one i was born with, yes it’s still big tee hee. Hey I love the idea of baking a cake without flour, Marissa would love the recipe for her book you can be thin. So would gillian mac keith and Carole detox carole on count down. We learn from our mistakes I think the post it note was created by a mistake. The glue wouldn’t set and the post it note was born. YOUR wondeful both of you XXX I LOVE YOU guys Xx you are so amazing and you keep pushing yourselves in the correct direction your amazing tenacious true and a blessing to know Xxx promise me you’ll pop over and say hi to steve XXXXXX HUGS XXXXXXX

Kayfer, Chloe, Helen and Everyone else,

Tonight I baked a Lemon, Yogurt cake with flour in it for ALL OF US(SPECIAL PEOPLE) & THE UPCOMING MOOD CAFE.

I am usually a loner, and often do things just by myself.

However, this SPECIAL cake that I created tonight, I asked my beautiful partner to make it with me just in case I forget the flour again   And it worked!!!  It is delicious and healthy. 

Right now, I am crying my eyes out after reading your emails.  WOW, I have been so numb these days, and couldn’t even cry till tonight :-0

I am sooooooooooooo touched by your emails, Kayfer and Chloe.  You are like the sisters that I have always dreamed of.

Yes, I am still crying, but I feel that the sadness has finally coming out from my body through these tears.

Love you guys very very much for accepting me and loving me for who I am.  I’m learning to reach that acceptance one day.

You are just wonderful - I am so grateful of have met you all.

CAKE FOR ALL OF US TO STAY TOGETHER AND GROW TOGETHER!!!

Good night and thank you for being who you are.

LOL

Ah you made me cry can I put my roots around you and give you a big hug Xx you wonderful woman XxxummmmCake sounds wonderful I can smell the lemons smells yummy Xx scrummy Xxx ummmm

oh my god Kayfer I just read the post you sent about vitamins and stuff. I haven’t got to that bit in the book yet. Your brilliant Xx i think i might start taking my B vits again. I forget !!! thank for that Xx you angel Xx love you lots Xx

I just wanted to say Xx you guys are giving me a great sense of great worth and I love you very much Xx and you make me cry Xxx HUGS XX

Hi Chloe and Kayfer,

Today I ordered Marisa’s Book: Ultimate Confidence - YIHA:-)  The store doesn’t have the book in stock, so it will take about 7-10 days before the order comes in.  I can’t wait to receive the book and read it with you guys - thank you for all your encouragement and warm words to keep me going.

Kayer, thank you for the useful tips vitamins, fish oil etc.  I have been taking fish oil for a while,but no vitamins yet, so I will look into getting some vitamins this week.  Yes, I am writing it down, so I will remember.  Also am just wondering if you have had the chance to start doing YOGA yet…  I had a normal & depression free year in 2008, now looking back, in 2008 I went to Yoga class twice a week and it probably did me some good.  There have been some evidence suggesting that YOGA helps to alleviate depression.  Thought to share this with you…

Chloe, don’t laugh at me,but I thought to tell you this.  I feel like your daughter today(reading your post re her from the other day).  Well, I am actually a grown woman   I was terrified of getting out of the house today in order to pick my partner up, so we can have lunch together.  My workplace is pretty close to his work building.  For months, I have been refusing to go anywhere near there.  I am scared to bump into anyone that I know… What if people from work see me… What if my boss sees me…  I still have not had the guts to drive pass my work building yet, coz I am chicken-shit :-0 However, today I got up in the morning&put;my favorite tight jeans on(haven’t really worn anything decent for a while till today).  I drove to my partner’s building, and picked him up!!!  It was big for me as I felt bad about taking time off from work & not ever wanting to go back, but I feel good of going to meet my partner today!!!  We had some nice Sushi for lunch together, and it was good to get out and be brave for once, I guess.  Thank you for all your encouraging words, and I hope you are enjoying painting with your beautiful daughter.

OK, beautiful ladies, I better go now and ring the removalist (they have been ignoring us) & fingers xx for nothing goes wrong.  Hope you are well, and will check in later!!!

LOVE YOU ALL

LOL

Hello Hope & Kayfer, It’s great to talk to you guys, i love receiving your posts. We have something so special between us. My TUT from the universe said ’ How are you holding up loving yourself today ’ sometimes I wonder if mike dooley is reading my mind !!! When i was sick the boss’ wife got sick as well. She had really bad depression and kept ringing me up to go shopping. I HATED IT !!!! i used to shake with anxiety and really worried they would send me back to work. I just wanted to lie in bed all day long. HE would then meet up with us for lunch and i used to shake so badly I could hardily bring my coffee to my mouth. I laugh about it now (hence depressioncanbefun) however at the time I was petrified they would think i was faking it and send me back !!! i used to go out with her without makeup and greasy hair !!! she would be looking perfect. That was humiliating enough because people got to see me looking a state and i would die !!!! I was weak as a kitten and I just wanted to hide. I just wanted to curl up in bed all die and sleep my life away. I hate not wearing make up God I won’t chase the escaping chickens up the road if i haven’t got any eye make up on.I send my husband instead !I have been caught on two occassions without make up on and my friends wont look at me they looked at the ground when they talk to me. Then i would think gosh am I that bad !! without it ? One of my sisters friends said GOD YOU LOOK AWFUL without your make and my mother said when i was younger if you don’t wear make up to college you won’t have any friends. I guess that must have influenced my paranoya. At the time I never realised the boss and his wife really cared they really liked me and they just wanted me to get better. They were attempitng to cheer me up in their way. What they didn’t realise was they were petrifying me to death at the time. Her depression took on a different form to mine she loved to shop and thought I would feel the same way (no that came later !!! ha ha). My boss didn’t mind the time I had off as long as I got better and eventually back to work as my former self (they didn’t want a depressed me at work to contend with). She explained to me that he had suggested she take me out so i would get better and at the time all i worried about was being sent back to work. They told me depressed people are allowed out as part of the recovery process and yes they thought they were being kind. In hindsight I reflect back and think ah sweet at the time yet I HATED IT. Your so brave to go pass work, you are wonderful and you should be so proud of yourself. I found I went back when i was good and ready and I knew i was ready when i started to get bored and I did want to go back to work. Actually when i went back I felt ready and well again and I had such a warm welcome, everybody was kind and considerate and they had decorated my office for me. I had a new desk and chair Xx they helped me apply for further education so that I had an interest, I was single then. They were very kind and caring and really made an effort. I realised the job gave me stress because of financial constraints and threat of closure, so I moved on and gave it all up, house, car, job and became a fulltime student. No money and a pushbike, boy did I have a wail of a time on my student grant, never looked back. Met my husband and have my precious little gift from heaven Xx daughter. You would love her she is very cheekie Xx I best write off now, LOVE YOU LOTS XX thought my story might make you laugh !!! p.s the painting went really well until my daughter went to wring out her brush with her hand !! ha ha love her she learnt something how not to clean a gloss paintbrush. We had so much fun together and a great laugh. Xx p.p.s Congratulations on ordering the book we can work together XXXXHUGS XXX boom boom frog song Xx

Hi Chloe and Hope

Good Morning to you both - ive just read both your posts and both were very good reads.

Hope - well done on that yummy cake you made, Im thinking of doing one myself this afternoon, now this is going to sound odd but its a beetroot chocolate cake, its a recipe out of Morrisons free mag, it looks absolutely gorgeous. So I shall let you know how that goes, my baking skills are just about non existent, cant remember the last time, think it was at school lol. It had better rise like the one in the picture.  Now am I brave enough to go for it ......... need some encouragement I think.

Hope, I know just how you feel about not wanting to go near work, Im the same, Ive not set foot into town since been off sick, I darent - although last week I had to go and bumped into a colleague, she just smiled at me. yesterday i had to go food shopping and I saw my supervisor and thought oh no, I dont think she saw me, i was praying we wouldnt end up chatting, I thought ooh Id best not look happy, it makes you feel you have to hide away but I think we do have to get out now and then, its hardly healthy been inside all day with noone to see. Im sure my supervisor wouldnt think bad of me for food shopping, its hardly a crime - probably different if i was out nighclubbing and getting drunk but not much chance of that.

Im so glad you have your book ordered, that is great news for you, you will love it im sure. Ive still a couple of exercises to complete and its bugging me that ive not done them but will tonight as hubby needs to help with one of them, then I can listen to my CD although im very tempted to listen to that this afternoon.

Chloe sounds like you had great fun with your little girl with the painting, thats what im supposed to be doing in the downstairs loo but its not happening, too much housework to do instead oh and not to mention the horrid ironing.

I sent my sister a text earlier telling her im now having counselling and asked how she was, remember a couple of weeks ago, that message Id put on here from her, well ive been quite worried she’d fallen out with me but thankfully she replied to my txt today with a lovely message so that is a relief, I couldnt be having any fall outs right now thats for sure, thank god she understands. I wouldve panicked abit if she hadnt have replied and thought the worst and then wouldve told her how I felt as Marisa says we need to do that as and when the hurt happens, I know in the past there has been lots of times when I havent expressed how I really felt so from now on I will make sure I do as its best for inner peace.

Chloe I felt really sad to read that bit about what your mum said about the make up, thats awful - it beggars belief really, you did make me laugh though when said you wont chase the chickens unless you have eye make up on lol.

Im now taking Omega 3 and multivits and minerals. Im going to really look after myself more from now on and treat myself kindly.

Hope, you did well going to Yoga twice a week, I wonder if it was that keeping the depression away - ive only ever done it once a week, can never seem to do it at home, I start to - then seem to lose interest, same with alot of things I do unfortunately. I do like Yoga and feel better for it though, anyway no i havent started up with it like I said I would. But now that im not doing photography I can do Yoga instead - it has been recommended - its just getting the motivation to get out and do it, I did do it up until two months ago just once a week but couldnt really afford to pay further classes so put it on hold, I always feel abit guilty spending money on myself especially when we have bigger things to pay for like the extension - but then if I thought I was worth it I wouldnt think twice about doing it, afterall it is for my benefit. What am I like, I feel a right ditherer at the moment, one minute im off to photography and going to do some decorating, next im not, then im on about baking a cake and I bet I wont end up doing one, Im always letting myself down.

Right thats it im going on far too much, miss negativity is coming out again - come on positivity where are you?? im finding it so hard to be positive, it feels unnatural.

thats it i have to go and practise some positive thinking.

Hi Chloe and Kayfer

Love your encouraging messages, and they get me going - words cannot describe how grateful I am.

Some days I wonder if Depression is similar to weight loss, you know, there are ups and downs, there are good days and bad days… today, I am not too motivated, but I set myself little tasks to follow.  There are a lot I want to say here esp regarding your messages, but I think I need to get out of the house and go to my Body Balance class at the GYM now.

Just wanna check in and feel some strength from my amazing people before I have the energy to get out of my comfortable zone - home!

Hope you are well, talk later.

lol

My computer is playing up, just lost the message that I wrote before :-0 Hope this one will go through!!!

Kayfer, did you get to bake the cake?  I can feel the energy and yummy smell from your kitchen - enjoy and have fun!  Cake making reminds me of my childhood as my grandmother used to bake cakes and biscuits in the afternoon.  When I came home from school, I’d go straight into the kitchen, and licked the baking bowls and spoons… it was lot of fun & good old days.  I hope you get to create something yummy when you are ready.

I can relate to you about have the idea of start something,but not always end up doing it or finishing it off.  As a matter of fact, I have changed jobs often as well.  I am quite annoyed with myself, and am still looking for the ideal job/career for myself…  I am in my 30’s now, and thought I’d found IT by now, but not really.  Before Depression, I was quite driven and ambitious, but now I feel that my health is far more important than a job.  However, I still long for something fulfilling, not too stressful and balanced.  Do you have any suggestions, Kayfer?  Maybe we can work on this together if you like? 

Helen is a pioneer on this, would you be able to share some light about this? or anyone else who have helpful suggestions on this…

Chloe, you have a gift of making people feel safe and good about themselves.  Every time, I read your post, it makes me feel good about myself.  You are so wonderful.  I enjoy reading your experience at work before heading back to university.  Your previous boss and work mates sound nice.  For me, I tried to go back to work a while back, but it didn’t work out as it was just too much for me, so I had to stop again.  I feel very disappointed about it - for not being able to keep it up and had to run away from it…  I work with mainly guys, and my boss is a guy, too.  They are good people, but I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell them too much about what’s going on with me if you know I mean?  When I am well, I am usually pretty fun to work with, but when depression arrives, I just retrieve myself from everyone and become very very very quite.  I don’t know when I’ll be ready to go back, but I’m hoping for this fun, carefree, capable, adventurous and kind person to return…

I bought a bunch of Tiger Lilies today for us - all of us who are so brave and helpful towards each other.

Helen, thank you for bringing us together!

Love you all, and thank you for being here for me.

lol

I have been taking my vitamins Xxx thanks for that , the pot was on the shelf covered in dust !! what am i like.Apparently if somebody does something for more than 6 months it becomes a habit. Somebody told me who works in a gym, people who join a gym if they keep their membership up for more than 6 months their fitness becomes a habit and it lasts a lifetime. Sorry I did not get back to you yesterday and ‘deserted my post’ I had to rush about and get ready for a littleys birthday party, not my daughter, her friend. After we got home I got my daughter ready for bed and fell asleep next to her. She likes me to create a nice dream my daughter calls it imaginations yesterday she was a snow princess and had a white pony. She likes imaginations to get her off to sleep. Trouble is the imaginations are so nice I usually end up fast asleep next to her in the bed. My husband thinks it’s sweet when he sees us both curled up together and leaves me be. Sorry I never got back to you xx Yes cake baking is excellent fun, I do lack the confidence to bake yet my daughter nags me so much I ‘just do it’ nike style and usually end up having loads of self gratification and lots of fun gloating over our new creation. Yet i must confess i always avoid cake baking because i am such a piggie and end up eating more than enough, no will power !!!  Kayfer that is sooooo wonderful about your sisters text. You were very brave and strong you really are. Please would you give Kayfer a big hug for me and some praise for all the things she has achieved, because she is sooooooooo wonderful and i love her Xx Thank you for the lilies Hope they are GORGEOUS they really brighten up the place and i love you very much XxDid you hear the story of the greek fisherman that I told Brencoot, business men spot him on his boat moored up. The greek fisherman is smoking a cigar and enjoying a glass of red wine in the sunshine. The business men say gosh this is a wonderful spot to fish you could have 10 more boats and expand you could become a millionaire the fisherman said then what i do ? sit back smoke my cigar and drink wine enjoying the sunshine. Sadly busy people don’t have time. Drive and ambition is a wonderful attribute if it doesn’t create too much stress. I would watch the managers at work drive themselves to burn out, quality assurance after quality assurance after quality assurance. One day i left a kit kat on the bosses desk, with a note on the top take time out to smell the flowers before you break. I didn’t tell him to take a break just incase he did break, he was at breaking point. I have heard stories from teachers who have told me people say oh i could do with a break and they break a bone, an arm a leg, others mentally break anything to slow them down. Drive and ambition is great if it’s not going to make you break !! or have a break to get over all the stress that it may have caused. Louise hay reckons aritheritus suffers come from really large families and the illness is about slowing them down because they give so much. Do you get my drift. I really wonder if sometimes my sub conscious mind has learnt hey look what she did to you last time you let her drive she never put oil in the engine she thrashed me up the motorway and never gave me a moments rest. A neighbour said to me ‘oh wouldn’t it be lovely to be really rich’, I said you live better than a rich person you paint, you walk the dog in the country, you bake. If you would have to work really hard to be rich and you would never have the time, you would be too busy making money you would never have a moments peace you might be too exhausted to enjoy the life. i said she would be rich with a poor quality of life.
A friend said to me when I was ill really enjoy your time now, because life doesn’t give us many opportunities to take time out to smell the flowers, so enjoy it while you can. I thanked my depression for giving me the time to do the things i never usually had the time to do. My depression made me make some life changes it made me improve the quality of my life, it made me not take my life for granted and it made me realise just what a horrid miserable illness it can be and being a sufferer i had no energy to do the things i had the time to do, yet it made me respect the energy when it returned I was so relieved to get my va va voom back again I never took my va va voom for grantedXx We must say we are enough and love ourselves Xx we must STOP smell the flowers (lilies) thank ourselves for what we have acheived today (housework and looking after tiny little man and collecting boyfriends from work and chasing escaping chickens up the road ) instead of what we think we should achieve Xx I LOVE YOU GUYS XXX HUGS XXX

I hear you, Chloe… Stop, revive and survive and smell the roses.  I guess I get impatient and often rush into things.  I enjoy my time out.  Thank you for reminding and making some sense.

The removalist is not responding to us :-0 They still have not delivered the boxes regardless my chasing up phone calls (It’s been a week delay).  I am concerned, but I don’t want to get angry about it.  Today, I decided not to ring them, it is not good for my health. 

It is the weekend.  Are you planning to do anything?  Have the goats arrived yet?

Hope you are having an enjoyable time with the family.

Love you lots

lol

I worry when I take time out, I’ll miss out, I am the red queen in Alice in Wonderland running to stand still. Yet I know what you mean about the drive in me it’s like a passion. Marissa talks in her book about that passion. That passion gives me the drive I can’t be driven by something that i find boring. Somebody asked me once why i was so good at my sales job ‘I said I guess it’s because I love it’ I loved my job so it gave me drive. I used to work in sales while I was at university one day I was attempting to sell gym membership to a client and he just wouldn’t buy it. I took him on a tour for an hour while his family sat and waited for him !!! This chap was a real challenge, he was toying with me and said he wanted to come back for another hour’s tour, so I said to him yes thats fine and asked what do you do for a living he said he was a bank manager for a firm in London. So i said so you must be on about £50 an hour (it was about 10 years ago) i said cool I am on £4.75 an hour thanking for SPENDING so much of your time on me sorry I only had to offer you £4.75 of my time, your welcome to come back for another £4.75 worth, yet you are keeping yourself away from your family also and you say you get paid £50 an hour to work so your family time must be worth more than that and you choose to waste your time on ME. I said it in a cheekie sort of way and winked as not to offend him. The man smiled at me and he’s eyes glowed he said where do i sign. I sold to him !!!  I felt sorry for His family, because his famly time is the most valuable worthwhile time in the world, and we ironically call it FREE time we don’t have to pay for it, it costs nothing our free time. Our freewill time when we chose to do what we will. We are free to will the time away and yet it is the most precious gift we can give ourselves, our free time and that man was wasting it on buying gym membership and being awkward. I am still chasing my dream rushing here and there. Brencoot reminded me to smell the flowers because I hide away, I thank him for that and I have turned a new leaf. I hope your removal company have got back to you, how are you getting on ? The goats are coming tonight tee hee. We are so ready for them. Then my husband saw on U tube 16 goats up a tree, here opens up another adventure not just excaping chickens, we may well have escaping goats. Adds to the adventure gets all the neighbours chatting and laughing I guess. I love you guys, thats why i get on my soap box, I’ll stand on my head if it means it cheers you up Xxx HUGS XXX your drive and passion is going to come back Hope and you have the strength and determination to do something about it and go get em attitude with your move Xx YOU ARE WONDERFUL XX

Hope your posts bring a joy to my day and you are a pleasure to know I feel blessed by all the friendships i have made on here, the posts fill me with an excellent feel good factor Xx THANK YOU XXX I hope i am helping Xx

Hi Hope

Im on a right downer today, not sure why but just feel so blue, I am so fed up and bored now, just feel so horribly gloomy, I hit a few cushions earlier and have listened to my CD, however ive not been saying I am enough today or doing much else positive so that may not be helping much, I just cant be a…..d.

anyway Hope that thing about longing for something fulfilling is something I very much long for and am forever wondering what on earth I could do that I would love and get so much out of, something that suits me, but what??? I only wish I could have some suggestions but I dont unfortunately, Id love to know what my calling is, Im sure theres something but I cant put my finger on it, its something thats bugged me for years now. I just dont know what Id be good at, confident in, Ive had a few ideas over the years, one being a childminder but im not sure I could handle the responsibility right now, another idea was Interior Designer or Property Developer, then I thought perhaps I could work from home as a typist but thought it would be unhealthy as been on my own too much, but working for myself certainly appeals, not sure I could handle all the stress that goes with it.

Thing is theres not one thing that ive felt really and truly passionate about and that saddens me, Id love to be passionate about something but I cant think of anything that would really do that, im not really interested in anything but maybe thats the depression taking over, im not sure if thats the real me, perhaps if id never had depression I may have had chance to find myself so to speak.

To be honest i dont know what I really want and that is so hard and frustrating.

sorry im not in a happy mood, im just not at all. but thanks for your messages, they are lovely to receive, im sure i shall feel brighter tomorrow, I have the personal development course to go to, should be interesting.
hugs to you hope, chloe and everyone else on here