I have stubbled across this website. I have no idea what I want or expect from it but I do know that it would be such a relief to talk among people who completely understand what I am saying. Everyone else will try but unless you have been there, its impossible to understand.
Before I start though I am just going to see what happens when I submit this much of a message.

Dear Elaine, I am really pleased that you stumbled across us.  Hopefully you’ll find support and comfort and hope from the amazing people on the site.  I am sure that many sufferers of depression or mental health issues, or indeed any illness, have had well meaning advice and suggestions from people ranging from ‘Give it time’ to ‘pull yourself to together’ but as you say, unless you’ve experienced and suffered it, you can’t really understand.  And let’s be honest, anyone who is suffering from depression or has suffered from it wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  When people sound cold or unsympathetic, it has often helped me to think that I wouldn’t want them to understand given what they would have to go through to be able to understand. 
There are some amazing insights and suggestions on the site from the members.  I’ve learned a lot.  Glad you have joined us and do hope to hear from you again.
I hope that you are ok at the moment Elaine and that you have had chance to get out at some point in this beautiful sunshine that we are having at the moment.  Long may it last! The sun often helps with depression unless you are really very depressed in which case the curtains stay closed for days on end.  I do hope that’s not the case.  Helen

I always believed that I would be happy whenever ‘I owned my own home’ or be happy ‘when I was married’ or be happy ‘when I had some sort of relationship with my family’ or be happy ‘whenever I had a job’. So how come years later when I have everything I wished for, I still feel miserable.

The depression began after I was abused, raped, being abandoned by my family and homeless at 16. Thats when I wished for everything that was stable and secure. Thats when I thought there was such a thing as happiness and the cloud would disappear.
It hasn’t. I am 30 now..

Dear Elaine, they are huge goals to achieve before you ‘allow’ yourself to be happy!  You are expecting a lot to happen before you think you can be happy.  You deserve to be happy right now before anything happens.  Happiness doesn’t have to be deserved.  It is as much a right as anything else in your life like energy and health.
Do you think that because the things that happened to you in the past to make you unhappy were so bad that to be happy you have in your mind that the event has to be good to the same extent as the bad was bad?
Can you take yourself back to an 11 child and remember what you enjoyed doing then?  This is the age before the world starts to corrupt our innocent existence.  Maybe you could try doing some of the things that you used to enjoy doing, laugh at and find happiness doing and find happiness in doing them again.  Try not to measure your happiness by the size of the event.
Try making your goals things that excite you rather than making them life changing events.  That way you’ll enjoy lots more things.  I remember Nigella Lawson once saying that there aren’t enough big things to make you happy in this life that’s why she gets such pleasure from lots of little things.  It might not seem like much at the time but they add up!  A little bit of happiness every day is better (I think) than 1 or 2 times for big events a year.
You are enough to make you happy.  You don’t need a home, or a man, a fantastic job etc etc to make you happy.  You deserve to be happy for you and with you without any of the add-ons.  Everything else that we are lucky enough to have in our lives complements that.
Don’t wait until you reach major goal posts to give yourself self-praise.  They don’t happen often enough to anyone.  You deserve praise every day;  for being you, for being enough.  Be happy with yourself.  You sound like an amazing woman Elaine.  It sounds like the only person who doesn’t realize how amazing is you.  I don’t mean to lecture or preach.  I do hope that I haven’t come across as a preacher!
I hope this helps.
Helen

Hi Helen,

Hope you don’t feel bombarded by me. How does this work anyway?? When I post a reply, is it just you that receives it or everyone???

I have never before being completely honest with anyone. I have become a master of telling people what they want to here. Not even my husband whom I love knows exactly what goes on in my head. It would kill him. At times its hard enough with my mood swings and the self destructing button which I press at least once a week…

So I hope you can understand that I am nervous about revealing all my thoughts and feelings, though it would be such a relief if I could, or rather not being judged for how I feel would be new..

Hello Elaine, how are you doing? It sounds like you have been through a hell of a lot and the fact that you have kept going and kept trying to do things and reach certain goals is a testament to yourself. With all the things that you have been through, I can even pretend to be able to offer any great advice, but I am prepared to listen to whatever you want to say and offer and advice where I can, or where it’s asked for. The only thing I can say, speaking kinda from experience (not that I’ve had the same experiences as you) is that always looking at times in the future when you’ll be happy, after X or Y happens, is probably not going to bring happiness. You need to try to work on it now and making yourself happy in your current life. I say this cos I do the same thing as you, and it doesn’t work for me either. You need to work on NOW. Sorry if it sounds like I’m preaching, believe me I’m not. I’m not in a position to do that! I hope you are OK.

Hello Elaine Xx I have had a rough ride myself. It wasn’t until i found the loving coming from other people who suggested self help that i overcame my internal anguish. I have tried hypnotherapy, EFT, and use Marissa’s advice I AM ENOUGH, it takes time and courage. You have been the victim of a horrible experience which wasn’t your fault. You now need to LOVE that beautiful loving kind person that you are. You are no longer that victim, you needed your experiences to help and support others. God knows why and yes GOD knows why because I at one time did understand why such dreadful things had happened to me. I promoise you one day all the pain will fade, it’s going to happen it’ll be a skeleton in the wardrobe and you’ll embrace life again like you did as a child. A friend at work said to me when i was a teenager you need to love yourself. I thought love myself meant think I am it !! i thought I don’t want to be like the cocky bitchie tart around the corner who loves herself. So i dismissed the thought however I have aged and realised the cocky bitchie tart didn’t love herself that’s why she was like she was. People like mother tereesa loves herself the dalai lama gandhi they loved themselves enough to share peace and hand it to others. There are ENOugh to save the world with their worlds of wisdom and kindness. Enough means loving enough, accept what is as it is warts and all. Then the warts fade because they are loved and you are no longer at war with yourself in a mexican standoff. I started to love myself encouraged by my husband and a few WONDERFUL friends who listen to me care and say I know where you are coming from. It’s hard to talk about stuff to my socialising friends they enjoy the fun and laughter side of my personality and I would scare them off because that is their time for fun, this is my time for empathy to get deep and talk with my friends. We are all here to listen to you Xx Brencoot is saying live in the now, I look at the smile, the birds singing in the trees. When i read his posts he reminded me to go outside. I am a bit of a hermit I like to hide because I have a very little fear of going out and jump in the car, I always take cover. My car is my womb, so i rarely walk now like I use to. If you can imagine paul mac Cartney frog song’we all stand together’ Because your imput is important to all of us. I have noticed how much i have improved talking on the site. I am reminded to live in the now to say I am enough. We can’t promise to make you happy however we have cracked eachother up with the occassional laugh when reading posts. Hey we can’t promise you depressioncan be fun but i must confess i do find it fun to read what people have written because so much wisdom beauty and solidarity is shared on this web site. I know Helen calls it depression can be fun because she looks back and laughs at all her happenings, one day too you’ll probably do the same and the name of the site i guess is to remind sufferers that we can look back and there is hope and one day the black dog might vanish for good. Because I lost my black dog. I constantly live in fear he’ll return however if he does I know eventually again i’ll get sick of being sick and take all the action necessary to get rid of him again. I hope not to go back to the black dog BATTY see me dog home again and collect himXx

Listen to Brencoot look at the beautiful now you live in Xx I did and it helped me because I used to push my happiness away with the when i am this when i am that. Now I embrace the happiness I have now, the beautiful child my batty chickens who this old batty bird has to chase up the road. The husband who leaves his smelly socks all over the place and his apple cores !!! who is a kind wise and fortunate because he believes I am enough and doesn’t look elsewhere Xx I look at all the friends who give me peace and love the gainers not the drainers who bring me down and hurt me. I now attempt to Hang out with the people who I am enough for, the people who love me enough. That’s how I live in the now, not chasing the possesions who belong to inadequate people who need them to prove they are enough. I use to buy designer items to make me feel I am enough. I use to feel inadequate enough to feel if i had this that it would make me feel i was enough. Then i realised my designer bag made me look like I was trying to look enough. I felt stupid because it highlighted how unhappy I was with myself I had to prove I was enough to carry it. So I gave it away. These are only my experiences I am not saying that carrying a designer bag is the case. After watching Helen on the television with Marissa this light bulb went off in my head I got the ah ha and realised what I was chasing was never going to get me there with material worth. I needed spiritual worth i needed to believe in myself. So by believing in myself I had to stop and enough the now instead of the (black !!!) dog chasing the car. Brencoot Kayfer Hope Jean and Helen have helped me enormously by reading their posts and I believe you are going to help me enormously too. We are all eachothers life coaches finding our own solutions by listening to other peoples experiences and drawing our own conclusions XX hugs Xx

oh gosh I forgot a very important person who has helped me and my marriage by reading her posts Xx the greenlady Xxshe has worked wonders on my life. Just stop listen smell the flowers Xx talk away i am listening Xx what happened to you wasn’t your fault, it was lifes rich tapestry putting you in the wrong place at the right time so you go on to become the person you are. When we are old ladies sat in the rest homes we’ll get the ah ha there won’t be any regrets just experiences there won’t be the mental pain just the memory should we chose to think of them. No we’ll think of all the good old times and wished we had lived more. Enjoying the moment. As the fat face logo says ‘life is out there’ the muller life advert . Enjoy the now because it’s enough to enjoy and you beautiful you are enough to enjoy it XxHugs Xx

Hi Elaine,

Have not heard from you for a while…

I would like to check in and see how you are?!

Also today I bought a large bunch of Tiger Lilies from the flower shop, and they are just beautiful   Thought the flowers might bring us some light and cheer us up a little bit…

Well, if you feel like chatting to anyone, you know that there are quite a few nice people here, so please remember that you are not alone, and we are here to listen, share and help.

Hope you are are OK, Elaine.

Thinking of you and hope you like the flowers

lol

Hello elaine sending you lots of well wishes, hugs and kisses Xxx Chloe XXXXX

I took Monday and Tuesday off work and hid under my bed clothes. This has actually helped. I needed some time out.
It has been quite a few years since I was in a psychiatric hospital but the one thing I loved about it was the solitude. I love being on my own, and I don’t mean just from my husband or work but from the world.

Recently mummy was talking about having some people round to the house and my 19 year old brother said “Do I have to be here because I hate new people”. I know exactly what he means. Its all one big performance - life that is. And the reason I need to be on my own every so often, perhaps monthly, is because I get fed up with the performance.

I have to say that no friend would look in on me the way that you all have and I am happy I found some new friends

Hi Elaine

Its good to hear from you and that you had some time off, I also love being alone too, but I know its not too healthy for me so I do push myself now and then to spend time with friends (not too often though)

Have you any plans for the week, what do you like doing?

sorry but I shall have to go as hubby will be home soon and I havent washed up yet and my little one decided to have his afternoon nap at 5 instead of 2 so it will be all go come 6.

Hope to hear from you again soon. I shall be on again soon, perhaps tonight depending when lo goes to bed.

Kayfer x hugs to you

Hello Elaine Xxx glad to hear from you XXX GREAT BIG ENORMOUS HUG XXXX I love solitude, i love silence ummmm yes there is something so refreshing about solitude and serenity. peace. However I also love to hang out with you guys too and i do love being in the company of good friends Xxx so please don’t go anywhere because us guys get all worried about you xx i get really lonely if i am not around my like minded friends I can feel lonely in a crowded room Xx sometimes it is good to be yourself in a world where people seem to want to be the same, trying to squeeze into the same mould. My great gran had 19 children and I had some amazing characters in my family they were all different fat thin mad sane tidy untidy gosh nobody bothered those days all they were interesting in was surviving the second world war xx i guess depression was a battle a war going on inside my head, until i got sick of being sick. Be yourself you beautiful beautiful person be yourself with us guys Xx we are HEAR we listen xxxxx

Hi Elaine,

So good to hear from you again.  Glad you took some time out - you are looking after yourself.

Hope you are having a good weekend and have time for yourself.

Thinking of you, and wishing you well.

lol

Hello Elaine just sending you love and well wishes and one of my hugs Xx