I dont want to go to the doctor or see anyone. I have tried that afew timnes and they just cant help me. Noone can. I am just so completely sad and I am just resigned to staying sad. Every time I think I have a chance, a hope of breaking out of this sadness someone comes along and does something to make sure I stay here. My most abiding thought is now just how long it is going to take for me to get the courage to finish it all.

Giving up is not the answer, you may not think you have much left, but you surely do, i cant say i know what to do for you but i have helped alot of my friends and their friends,

look around you and see what you have got thats important and expand from their, theres always friends for you, even if u dont notice, trust me if your at rock bottom you can only get better…..... speaking from experience

Dear Roberto,
Sometimes life seems so unforgiving and everything in it seems against us and pointless.  However you are certainly not and lots of people will care for you and if you can seize those positive times, even if they are moments, when you feel there is a chance and seek some help whether it be from a friend, or someone in your family you can talk to, or a self help group where you can talk to other people experiencing the same feelings as you, or your GP who will be able to recommend a therapist or a self help group. You mentioned that you have sought help in vain.  Sometimes it may take more than one visit to find a therapist you like or feel comfortable with.  You owe it to yourself to find someone you want to talk to.  It is often less easy for men to share their anxieties and talk about their problems and they are more likely to bottle up their feelings and not ask for help. If something is overwhelming you, it can really help to offload it and break it down into chunks so that you can get your head around it.  Often a netural party is preferable to offload on to.  CBT is a counselling therapy that focuses on problem solving and new behavioural strategies rather than dissecting feelings and going over old ground.
Can you pinpoint anything in particular that makes you feel so down and can you erradicate that from your life?
There are nice things and nice people in this life and you deserve to be a part of that.  Brendan is right when he says that you are rockbottom now, so things will get better.  You want to experience that when they do.
Try to do things that you remember used to make you feel good like watching or playing sport.  Humour helps and is effective in lifting mood.  Try watching your favourite comedy or film.  Can you get out while the sunshine lasts and go for a walk somewhere you like being. 
I have experienced your dreadful feelings in the past and am pleased that I am here now that my black cloud has lifted and life does hold nice things.
Hang on in there Roberto.  One thing in life that is certain is that things never stay the same.  Look forward to them getting better.
Sending you all my positive vibes to have a better day.
Helen

Dear Roberto,

I can understand how you feel. Sometimes it feels like no one can or even wants to help you, but there are people who want to and can help you, and people who you want to talk to. It may take a bit of time to find the right person for you though. One thing I also feel though is that a small part of it comes from within yourself and the desire to feel better for yourself, and because you have come on this forum and mentioned your feelings, it is obvious that you want to get better.

You definitely aren’t alone, because not only are there a lot of people out there who want to help you, there are also sooooo many people out there who feel like you. As I speak more and more to friends it surprises me how many people feel lost, unhappy, unsure about the future etc. I think if you could open up to some of your friends (even your male friends), you may be surprised how many people have similar, if not exactly the same feelings. The important thing is, although you may not feel like a lot of the time, open up a bit and keep trying to talk to people, not just doctors but also friends. Your friends may also not seem to want to talk about it, but that could be them just wanting to protect themselves, pride etc. Some of them will gradually open up though. In the meantime, keep going and don’t give up. One thing that is gauranteed, if you give up, things will never have a chance to improve. It may take time, but the more you try and the longer you keep trying, the more chance things have of getting better.

I am hopeless. I typed a long reply. First thanks for your kind worsd and your caring and I really mean that. But I have heard it before. I am not sure what I can say without sounding ungrateful and like a spoilt brat. My cabve is safe and warm and I think I will just stya inside. I am tired of boring my friends. I feel sadness to the core. I didnt like anti depressants or doctors or counsellors. they dont work. But thanks heaps for your kind words. I will snoop around here every now and then to see if anythng helpss. I heard you on Trevor Chappel Helen and thought this place might be worth a go. Who knows. Nothing else seems to work.

Roberto, how are you? I tried to send you an email, but I am fairly new to this site, so not sure if I did it correctly or not. Hope you are feeling OK though, and please keep writing down your feelings on this website, cos it might just be one of the things that helps you get on the road to recovery.

Dear Roberto,
Reading how you are feeling and how you put it in to words shows the terrible harshness and reality of Depression and no matter how much I or anyone else who cares for you want to take those horrible empty and hopeless feelings away from you, I know that that first step is even wanting to get better and that has to come from you.  Maybe you don’t want to get better because you don’t see anything to get better for or maybe you don’t have the energy to try to get better.  You talk about your cave.  Your bed with the curtains closed is probably the only place you want to be.  I used to lie in my bed for days and weeks on end and sleep and sleep and sleep wishing that I would never wake up.  It never made me feel any better though.  Like you I planned the end and thought that the world would be better off without me.  I don’t know if wanting and trying to end it all was a way of punishing myself or the world for what I saw it/they had done to me.  If your talk of this is because you think the world will be better of without you, please let me tell you that it won’t.  The world could do with a few more nice people like you who are a victim because of the pressure you feel from life right now. The bad guys don’t let anything bother them.  The good guys tend to be more sensitive and feel pain.  Not fair really but then again I guess feeling something (when you are feeling ok) is better than feeling nothing.  A lot of people I know wish they could be bad guys as the bad guys seem to just drift through life but it’s their conscience that keeps them good.  Just talking or writing about how terrible you are feeling may at some subconscious level be helping and even you say that you may see or read just one thing that helps.  So please do keep doing that.  If it is to punish the world or whatever or whomever you think has made you ill, they don’t deserve the price you are willing to pay. Talking to other people who have felt so low feeling no way out and fully recovered may irritate you right now or it may help.  Everyone is different. I went along to my local Depression Alliance Group for that when I felt up to leaving the house.  Lots of people have lots of advice about everything in this life and depression is no different.  There is advice from friends, family, doctors, psychologists and the list goes on.  You know you better than anyone else.  You can listen to and read advice until your head spins.  When you’re depressed, it doesn’t usually take a lot to make your head spin and you cannot concentrate on anything for very long unless it’s mindless but maybe some advice you hear or see will be good or work for you or click for you.  Maybe it won’t help right now but will in the future when more time has passed.  When you have moments that you are feeling somewhat less depressed, could you visualise where you would like to be or what you would like to be doing if you were feeling ok?  Even if it seems way out or unrealistic.  Maybe it’s somewhere in the sun or by the sea or potholing (I have no idea what you used to enjoy doing!).  Could you get something close to experiencing that even if it is buying a book about it or looking at it on the internet?  When we loose focus or goals in life, the soul seems to die.  When we feel that nothing matters in our lives, we seem to die inside.  Is there anything or anyone in your life who is precious to you who or what you could think about to give you a nice feeling?  I know the future probably doesn’t feature very highly for you right now but if you can look to the future for just a moment sometimes and know that this terrible depression won’t last and that it is not permanent because NOTHING is ever permanent.  Even though it doesn’t seem possible right now.  We talk to ourselves the most in this life and if we talk negatively to ourselves, negative thoughts produce cortisol , the stress hormone, that causes depression.  It is a viscious circle, you feel depressed so you think negative thoughts so you feel depressed.  If we say something (anything in fact) to ourselves enough times, we believe it.  We filter the world to make us believe it.  Funny how depressed people who think that they are stupid, not good enough, a failure etc but believe EVERYTHING that we tell ourselves. My husband often used to say to me when i was talking negatively that it was the black dog talking and not me. If you can try to have just a few positive thoughts a day to beat that hormone with serotonin, the good guy that makes us feel good, your glimpses of hope will increase.  Maybe a particular time of day is better for you that you could try something like this.  I do hope that today is a better day.  Sorry for the very long message.  I should know better than to write long messages about depression but I so feel for you and hope that today is ok.
Helen

“When we loose focus or goals in life, the soul seems to die.  When we feel that nothing matters in our lives, we seem to die inside” Says it all really. Thats what happened

Thankyou Helen. You made me cry (in a good way though). I have copied and pasted and enlarged thew font and printed out your message to read a few more times. It was so beautiful. So very beautiful.

Well I just wanted youy to know that today started badly, but I went back and read what Helen wrote (and some of the other posts here as well) and it brought a little msile to my face. I dont know why, but it didnt. And I cant remmber the last time I smiled. Thanks.

How are you today Roberto?  I know that a lot of the time we don’t feel like smiling and we feel that there’s not much to smile about. Even if we cannot find a lot to smile about around us, I often find myself smiling or laugh at myself when I do something stupid (which is quite often).  It doesn’t matter whom or what we laugh or smile at.  It is just good to do it and it makes us feel a bit better.  Sometimes when I do something stupid and don’t feel like laughing at myself, I laugh at what one of my very dear friends says to me which is ‘Laugh at yourself because everyone else does’.  She’s right and why should everyone else get the pleasure of laughing at you.  You deserve the pleasure too.  Smiling and laughing does make you feel better and is an important antidote to depression as it releases endorphins and de-stressing hormones in to the bloodstream and affects our bodies.  A friend of mine who was very depressed came to stay and I dragged her along to a comedy evening that she really didn’t want to go to.  As we all know, when you feel down you don’t want to go out or be with other people.  She came and even though she didn’t feel like laughing, it happened involuntarily.  She couldn’t help laughing as it was funny.  She enjoyed laughing. The next day the effect was still there and she felt much better.  I am not saying that the effect is long lasting because the sad hormones of cortisol will be fighting the happy hormones of serotonin so you have to keep forcing your body to make happy hormones by doing things that create endorphins like doing things that make you laugh and smile or exercising.  I use the word ‘force’ because they are often things that in the first instance you don’t feel like doing at all but afterwards they do have the effect of lifting your mood.  Goodness all my replies appear to be so longwinded.  I do apologise. Helen

Hi

I’m new on here, so this is my first post!

Firstly, I would just like to say to Roberto….my heart goes out to you, because it sounds like I am in a similar position to you and I really am struggling to carry on.  So I think I know how much pain you must be in, because I’m suffering too and, believe me, it is unbearable!

Secondly, Helen…what beautiful, wise words you wrote for Roberto!  They made me cry and I too, have copied them and will keep reading them.  Depression….what a black hole to be in! I have suffered for years and it has become so bad that I have now lost my job, had to go bankrupt, my relationship is hanging by a thread (and that is my lifeline), my family have turned their backs on me….the list is endless!!  I have a question mark of bipolar over me, they are not sure at the moment, but I seriously think I have, given the rapid mood swings I suffer from, but the thoughts of suicide never, ever go away. I live in constant fear. I go to a pyschiatrict day hospital most days, which help to keep me safe, but that’s about it. My partner’s been my rock for the past 16 years, but I’m so scared he’s going to leave, because I don’t know how much more he can take. If he goes, I’ll go, he’s my life & I love him so much. Life is a very dark, lonely place and I am desperately trying to hang on but really don’t know how much longer I can.

Roberto - for what it’s worth, I’m sending you lots of love and I really do know how you feel.  We both must keep battling on.

Thanks Lynne. I read what Helen wrote every day now. It is stuck on the side of my wall near my desk. I have had a few good days since then and I am trying to do what Helen said. I think bite size chunks is the way to go. It is nice to know that you are not alone. I guess since what Helen wrote I have started to think seriously that it can get better. x

I can not help but respond to your post Roberto.  It put a huge lump in my throat.  I do so hope that you are still feeling that way.  And how amazing Lynne that you can write with such empathy to Roberto when feeling so down yourself.  Selfishness is often a strong symptom of depression but to manifest such concern for another you are obviously a very special person and working hard to conquer your pain. I am sure that your husband knows that you are a rock and while it must be hard for him to see someone he loves in such pain, he obviously believes in you with very good reason.  It is horrible to think how many people are feeling like this.  So many people look totally ‘normal’ on the street to you or I, yet on the inside they are dying. Depressed people can be very good actors.  My friend went along to an organized group therapy session and felt really awkward and inferior and thought about leaving when she looked around and saw a group of well dressed, confident looking people.  When they opened their mouths and spoke about their issues and problems, she was amazed and thankful.  She thought that everyone could tell that she was depressed but to look at these people, who were obviously going through the same terrible time that she was, no-one would ever know the pain they were going through. Much love, Helen

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i wrote a long reply and it wiped it when i tried to post it. It just said thanks to helen and Lynne for their love and acring and just to let you know things are slowly looking better for me, bt very slowly. I am not going to move to fast because I kow what happens (every time I get here). I am just going to take things slowly. I guess I just wanted you to know I am doing better. I ahvent spent a day in bed for a about two weeks so thats pretty good. Have a good Christmas.

Dear Roberto, sorry that you lost your text.  That is so annoying.  Your ‘grrrr’was very tame given you just lost everything you’d typed!  I’m very impressed.  I do hope that you enjoyed Christmas and that it is still the case that you haven’t been to your bed again.  Christmas can be a difficult time of year. Those tiny tickable achievable steps are invaluable.  May they continue up to and in to the New Year.  Wishing you a lovely New Year too. Best wishes as always, Helen

Dear Roberto & Helen

Thank you for your kind words. I haven’t been on here for a while, so it was heartwarming to read them.

Roberto - I am so pleased to hear that you are doing a bit better. This really is a bad time of year for us isn’t it? I hate it and could quite happily pull the duvet over my head and sleep right through it all! I always seem to have to please everyone else, but never ‘me’! Anyway, it’s nearly over thank God, just the dreaded new year. Actually, it’s a bit of milestone for me, as I’d made a decision to myself that I wouldn’t see this Xmas or new year & I’m still here, so I’m obviously doing something right?? (not sure about that one!!), but I think I owe most of the credit to my wonderful partner, because without him, I most definately would not be sitting here typing this right now! 

So Roberto….how are you really feeling now? Helen hits the nail on the head every time doesn’t she?  Do you do retreats Helen? If you don’t then I really think you should!!  Roberto and I would be first on your list!  Depression/bi-polar is the most exhausting illness I have ever known, both physically & mentally. I am constantly drained every minute of every day. Can’t concentrate, can’t think straight, never get a decent night’s sleep, I’m constantly knackered & so de-motivated!  I’m sure you can relate to all of this Roberto?  It’s such a vicious circle isn’t it? We don’t want to feel this way, but how do we break out of it? One day at a time, I know, which is what I try to do, but I’m losing patience. I need to rid myself of these demonds & suicidal thoughts that eat away at me like a disease.  I just want to feel ‘normal’, whatever that may be? Life is so unfair.

Roberto….I really hope & pray that 2009 brings you all the good health, inner peace & happiness that you so deserve my friend.  Take good care of yourself. Stay safe & well.

Happy new year to you too Helen….thank you for your kind, wise words.

Love Lynne x