I found you. My computer crashed months ago and I could not find your post. You sounded so lovely I wrote you a long reply and my computer crashed I am not very good at navigating my way around on computers. I can not see the wood for the trees when knowing what button to click on. It was wonderful what you wrote and it really resonated a cord. Sorry it’s long time no post. I hope you are well and happy Xx from one fellow tree to another hope you are having a wonderful summer Xx

Aren’t computers a swine!?! I hate them!! Even when I just think of them, they stress me out, and if someone tries to explain something to me about them my brain just goes white and I just hear noise!!! Anyway, glad you seem to have your technical problems sorted. Is everything OK with you? I hope so! Have a good weekend!

Yes when i went to college I felt sick and useless because I felt I was the only person who could not use one, the rest of the class were half my age. It was horrid working it all out then one day it just clicked, then i understood, the learning process was painful and horrid.Now after leaving college 5 years on I can not remember what I learnt because all the programs change. Ha ha ha life !! I am still working out how to use the site, like any site. I get really pleased with myself when I press the correct button and discover how things work. I found Helen on the radio the other day. Was it broadcast in Australia ? I am glad i found you to reply sorry it took so long. Hope you have a wonderful weekend Xx

Brencoot please would you work your magic on kayfer. Your kind and gifted with words of wisdom and support. You help me. You are realistic kind wise and intelligent. She is on ‘the I am new’ forum, you have spoken to her already. I feel if we all talk together we can get her through this blip. I shall ask Jean as well. Chloe Xx

“Your kind and gifted with words of wisdom and support. You help me. You are realistic kind wise and intelligent”< God, I feel pressure now!!! Hope you never meet me in real life!!!! Only joking (well half joking, cos I’m really not any of those things, but hey, I’m not going to argue with you!!), I’ve been in touch with her a few times and I’m happy to talk to her. Funny how almost everyone has the same worries, issues, thoughts etc inside, but most people keep them under-wraps.

Hope you are well.

Yes i read what you wrote to kayfer it was wonderful. Yes i agree, I guess people need to keep depression under wraps because of the stigma and the way other people avoided me, I warn my friends say you’ve got stressed. I was treated so god damn awful by some people if I see them in the street i cross over ha ha. Ruby wax was on BBC 1 this morning saying the same thing about the stigma and about the worry issues being the same. I think, not sure she is going to make a comedy out of it. Similar to Helen she is attempting to make people look back and laugh at what has happened to them while they were depressed. She’s so funny she cracks me up, she was in the priory with post natal depression and moaned about the food she couldn’t tell the difference between the fish and the chicken. Hey in psychology they say it takes one to know one and they have empirically recorded it so !!! it must support the fact I can see in you what you are Xx ditto

I think humour is important at all times. It’s amazing how it lightens any situation and lifts peoples moods, even if they aren’t the ones laughing, so to try to relieve the stigma around depression with a bit of humour maybe isn’t a bad thing. To be honest, I’m more of a carer than a sufferer, although through the caring and being so close to the sufferer, I feel like I understand a fair bit (of course not perfectly, cos you never can unless it’s you actually going through it), and I also suffer from a massive lack of confidence, which fortunately I manage to use as a motivator to make sure I do my best for fear of failing if I don’t. Only problem with the lack of confidence is, there are many things that I’m too scared to even attempt cos I know/think that no matter how hard I try, some things are just beyond me.

Do you feel you have got a grip on your depression now or do you still feel very much in the woods?

Gosh you amaze me you come across as a really confident person. I honestly feel I have got a grip on my depression and I owe it all to my amazing husband. He just talks me back into being happy again. He argues with me when i start to falter. He starts arguing the facts to me a bit like you do. He is rational and realistic. He draws upon the positives and dismisses negative issues. He is forgiving,kind and patient. It takes him a while to understand he likes to be convinced. He just won’t give me all his money !!!! ha ha only joking. I had a terrible problem with confidence and then after visiting a hypnotherapist to stop smoking I discovered ego strengthening. My friend said to me before i went oh don’t go I like you the way you are, she had a friend who had had hypnotherapy and said she had turned nasty. I have been reading Marissa’s book and she has already mentioned that character and I thought of that friend when I read it. Some people liked me to remain the under dog.Kent M Keith from’do it anyway’ says ‘people favour underdogs but follow only top dogs’ . So true . My husband encourages I buy self help books and tapes each month. He thought they were a waste of money at first, then he watched me deteriorate and I started to get low and he said can’t you get some of your tapes. I am not sure if the black dog is still in me, I ll never know unless something changes. I honestly feel being happily married settled gives me such a balance in my life I remain positive. I do feel it is down to my husband I haven’t suffered from depression. My daughter is back at school so I shall read ultimate confidence quicker now. I read in bed and I can not put it down yet I get so tired my eyes burn ha ha and then i need to sleep. I should have bought some tapes instead then i can listen as I do the house work and listen as I travel in the car.The nike logo JUST DO IT , was the best advice for me and feel the fear and do it anyway i enstilled in me 11 years ago. I found small digestible chunks which i was taught at work 17 years ago was also the best advice. The tutor explained it like paralell lines a couple of milimeters out turns into a massive gap. Fill the gap fill it with lots and lots of confidence building stuff I DID IT woooo who stuff. I learnt to scuba dive and thought I was miss it, learnt to ride a bike started running, swimming, not all at once. Then i started studying with the OU and also helping other people I began to help myself. If they can do it so can I. People would say i am a confident person yet the real friends know I am not because i need their advice ha ha.I became so happy I met my husband, i guess I shone. One person told me their secret was to act. Act confident, act !! so i did and ended up getting a laugh when everybody realised I was acting hey it broke the ice it worked. The best lecturer at uni used to throw up before she stood infront of 170 students. Because the theatre was full she was wonderful, the worst lectures were from the senior lecture who used to put other tutors down, he thought he was wonderful, his lectures were boring and hardly anybody turned up.  So sometimes I am not sure wheter it is a good thing to have or not. I just wish I had that peace inside my tummy when i am nervous. Oh i hate that and I shake yet it doesn’t appear to affect my abilities. So i reckon it’s all about self love and learning to appreciate yourself more for the absolutely wonderful person you are and i can tell you are a wonderful wonderful person. Marissa does mention this in her book too, have you read it Xx I best go and finish it so i can do a book review with Kayfer teee heee Xx Chloe

p.s Just wanted to say better the person who gave it a go than the one who never did anything. I was amazed when i was older i was able to do things I wasn’t any good at. I never got picked for the team at school so I told myself I was no good. It’s wasn’t until I was older I only had to enjoy something, not win, not be the best just enjoy myself. I later found I enjoyed sport and it does make me feel good. I have found exercise improves my mental health Xx that helps me stay sane too and it helps friends who are depressed to exercise.

“So i reckon it’s all about self love and learning to appreciate yourself more”< Yep, appreciating yourself is very important.

I also agree with the acting thing too, “JUST DO IT” is the way to go, but when your actions can affect other people, you need to think about it. But if you think about anything enough, you’ll find millions of reasons not to do stuff, so again I agree with what you said.

Do you have any big ambitions at the moment?

Yes, exercise it vital, it gives a balance to your body and mind. The “Healthy Body, Healthy Mind” and “Healthy Mind, Healthy Body” saying are true. I think they go together. Exercise is one of the few things that I really enjoy, probably cos it’s one of the few things that I do that is really FOR ME, and it’s something I have selfish control over (I mean it doesn’t affect other people, so you don’t need to consider everyone else). What kind of exercise do you do?

My lunch break is nearly over. It’s back to work. Aarrgghh!

Yes I am starting a new business and I lack confidence !!! oh I get so scared. Lots of self doubt and all that and lack of self love. It’s a business from home I can only do it in term time because my daughter is here. Yes I find the thinking about it is sabotage. So self destructive. My husband says stop thinking !! actually like my old tutor the nerves help. Psychologist do flooding, flood the subject with the fear, make people face it soooo I am going for the great flood sooner or later and see what happens. I love swimming and power walking now. I have a bad hip so I don’t jog. Somebody said to do spinning !! but it looks soooooo hard. I also don’t like gyms, I get self conscious. I love the serenity and peace of swimmimg. Don goggles head under the water shut myself off. It can be hard if your actions affect others, that can be a hard one. I read Neal Donald Welsh conversations with God and he said be selfish. I lent the book out so I can’t read the page. It made lots of sense. Ummm I wonder if the book is in the library. It was to be selfish, selfish was good and i can remember why he said it was sorry. It helped me at the time. Hope you have a great weekend Xx

Happy 2010 Xx
How are you ?
I read this in the The guardian tuesday 5 Jan 2010 - Mindfulnesss Three minute exercise
mindfulness is described as a way of paying attention to feelings ans emotions so that they can be managed. It involves meditation , yoga and breathing techniques.
’ three minute breathing space’
1. ask yourself what is my experience right now ? and notice any body sensation, thoughts or feelings you are having without judging them.
2. place your attention on your breathing following the in-and-out breath as it naturally occurs.
3. Expand your awareness to the whole of your body continuing to notice any thoughts feelings or physical sensations that occur without judgemant.
Hope this helps :0) xx