Hi Everyone.

I was diagnosed with depression about 6 years ago. I remember that day very well, I remember being sat in the surgery being unable to have a coherent discussion with my doctor because I was so down and unhappy that I couldn’t be bothered to say much. My wife had literally dragged me to the surgery for this and together we eventually said what was needed to be said so I could get treatment. It was the most difficult thing I had done but it was the start of getting better.

I had become so withdrawn from people that I had lost many friends, my marriage was heading for trouble and I saw most days as just something that I had to get through. I would spend most of my time at home sleeping just to shut out the things that I was feeling. I managed to keep my job though how, I don’t know. Looking back I must have been a real pain in the backside. I was paranoid, I became almost reclusive and I pushed aside all the people who cared about me because I was sure that no one liked me and that nobody cared.

Looking back at how I was then, the thing that scared me the most was the mood swings, I was all over the place, crying, laughing and very very angry. In anger I said some awful thing to my wife during this period and the saddest thing was I was aware of what I was saying was hurtful but I just couldn’t stop myself from doing it. I know it’s a cliche but she really has been my rock to get through this and still be here. I consider myself very luck to still have her.

Now, after getting treatment I am much happier, I still have what I call “Black days” and periods when I relapse but I am more aware of the little signals that warn me which I’m sure many of you recognise in yourselves

I know I’ll never be “cured” of depression, it’s an ongoing war for me but I sure as hell am not going to lose it.

I’ve joined depressioncambefun to meet people that are going through or have been through the things that I have. People that I don’t get chance to meet normally. I’m not good at putting things down in words because I don’t think I ever really feel that I’ve made my points clear so I hope you will all bear with me.

I look forward to chatting, if you feel the need to ask me anything, I’ll try and answer as best I can.

Oh gosh how lovely how wonderful of you Xx You come across as a very decent kind courageous person Xx Hello Xx

Dear Killick, that all sounds perfectly clear to me.  Thank you so much for sharing what I see as a positive journey with us.  It’s so good that you asked for help and got treatment.  As you so importantly point out, the journey couldn’t begin without that most difficult step of asking for help. 
Depression often makes us feel unworthy of help and embarrassed to ask for it.  It can make us feel guilty if someone does anything for us even coming to see us.  That feeling of having to drag oneself out of bed to face the day when all we really want to do is stay asleep in bed because at least when we’re asleep we can escape the pain for a while.  Just getting up just to go back to bed because there’s nothing in between.  What awful feelings they are.  It’s very difficult to even understand them.  I think that the anger and the pain is sheer frustration.  Maybe subconsciously we hurt those we love to test them or just to try let them know how much we are hurting inside as we’d never say such things if we were well.  I didn’t even know what depression was when I was diagnosed with it.  When the mind goes wrong, we’ve got problems.  We need to look after our minds as they are our homes for a lifetime. 
Your wife does sound amazing and you sound amazing too Killick.  You’ve come so far.  I hope that you’re patting yourself on the back for that.
Grattitude is a good attitude to live with.  Carry on living with that wonderful positive attitude and on the lookout for the warning signs of the black dog escaping from its cage.  Good luck with keeping him locked up.  The longer he stays away the smaller he will hopefully become.  I hope it works like that.  Look forward to hearing from you.  Best wishes, Helen

Killick please would you go and help elaine on the other forum - I’m new Xx she could do with some help and advice right now and you sound like you are a great person who would be able to help her Xxxthanks Chloe Xxx

I have come over from the other forum and read some really good stuff and can relate so well.

I am still living with people that don’t recognise this as an illness. My husband puts up with alot but like you Killick I get so angry with him and hurt him when he is only ever trying to help. My parents and siblings don’t admit that I have an illness, even though it has been diagnosed by the doctor and I have been taking anti-depressants now for 11 years.

When the black times are within site I just let them come and as my husband would say “I go into self destruct mood” where nothing matters, not my marriage, my job, my family or my own life. Everyone keeps telling me that if I didn’t work so much then I would have more strength to beat it and although I know that to be true, they seem to forget that I am only working because we are not making ends meet and financially things are suffocating at the moment.

It would be advisable to talk with someone, becuase I don’t speak with my husband or family about this and lost every friend I had when I was diagnosed at 18. Now I have colleagues and people I may have a drink with but no one I could ever open up to and talk about the really bad place that I am in at the moment.  And as things get worse I drink more and get drunk and thats really hurting my husband. I feel trapped in a vicious circle and often wish that I wasn’t married and lived alone because then I wouldn’t have anyone’s else feelings to worry about except my own. I could stay in bed for the day and drink myself rotten.

I was once a reclus and there is alot to be said for it. My personality too changes like the wind. No one really knows me..

Dear Elaine,
I do know what you mean about self-destructive behaviour.  It’s as if we are trying to push away those we care about the most and who care about us the most to get the end result that we think we deserve or that justifies our depression which is that they leave us.  But your husband, like my husband and Killick’s wife and many other amazing partners, stand by us and try to understand and take all that we throw at them.  Depression does have a way of leaving people in your life who are good for you and really care for you as the others leave when the relationship becomes difficult.
The pain of depression isn’t just limited the sufferer.  It forces everyone around the sufferer to feel it.  My husband calls it ‘The Ripple Effect’.  The sufferer feels the most devastating effect and worst of the explosion but its ripples are far reaching and affect everyone who comes into contact with the person at the centre.  He also used to tell me that it was ‘the black dog talking’ when I used to be negative and angry.  He always reminded me that the black dog is a dog and I could control it and lock it up like any dog. 
We all have our coping strategies to take the pain away temporarily or that make us feel better temporarily.  Depression often goes hand in hand with the use of abusive substances and eating disorders.  Some people use food.  Other people use drugs.  Other people use alcohol.  Anything to help us feel better and help us to forget some problems and temporarily create a more positive feeling or take away or numb the pain in our heads for a while.  But immediately afterwards is followed by a low when everything seems even worse and thus starts the vicious circle of another ‘fix’ to make that feeling go away. 
If we weigh up the temporary relief against the longer term consequences it can be disastrous but when we are depressed we often don’t care about the long term consequences anyway but that just makes the vicious circle more vicious. 
Seeking help is best done before it escalates.  Too many of us wait until our life or mental health is seriously disrupted.  We all deserve more.  There are lots of things to lift your mood besides and alongside popping pills and professional therapy.  As simple as it sounds, doing more of what you enjoy can make the things you don’t enjoy much more bearable.  And having a goal and a purpose makes the journey more worthwhile.  I know you work long hours Elaine but can you have the goal in your mind of achieving financially security because of your work and therefore see the positive result of your efforts?  If you think that you could benefit from therapy please get it and make time for it.  There are good and bad therapists so if you don’t feel totally comfortable with your therapist, ask for or find another therapist.  Persevere until you find a good one who you feel comfortable with.  You can stop it at any time if you think that it’s helped, that you don’t need any more or if you don’t think it’s helping.  We often know ourselves better than anyone else and know what will work and is working for us.  Always be guided by your doctor but use that knowledge to help yourself. 
As for talking to people who don’t understand or being afraid of upsetting or worrying others by talking honestly and openly about how you feel, you can say anything you want here Elaine.  Thinking of you Elaine.  Helen

Dear Killick, how are you at the moment?  Helen

Hi Elaine and Helen

I’m not bad at the moment thanks.

I recognise everything you have said Elaine. I was lucky in the fact that my wife dragged me to my doctor and also that my doctor listened to what he was being told, I was very much feeling as you are now.
I really believe that it’s important to get your husband to see your doctor with you if you can’t get him to understand what is going on because both of you are going through this together. If he won’t go, get your doc to come to you.
My doc put me on Prozac for a while until I started to feel better about myself and to me, that is the key. I also did a few weeks of Talking therapy with a counsellor which was a great help. Helen has offered some good advice in her post
. I noticed that you have been taking anti depressants for 11 years. Is this continually without a break?
This is only my opinion as I’m not a doctor but I feel it is possible you may not be getting any benefit from them if you have been taking them for so long continuously and you are still feeling bad all the time. I still have to take them from time to time but only until my mood lifts then I come off them slowly under proper guidance and try to live my life without them wherever possible.
To me they are a good weapon in your armoury but I don’t think they are a long term solution. It may be just me but I find that it’s impossible for me to gauge where I am with my depression if I’m medicated all the time. I like to try and leave the Prozac when I’m feeling better and I find that I can go for quite a while not needing it but I know it’s there if i do.
I hope this makes some sense.
If you have time read “All in the Mind” by Alistair Campbell (THE.. Alistair Campbell) He has suffered from depression for years and, although the book is a novel, it is an excellent “guide” to depression that your husband would benefit from reading too. I loaned this book to my in laws and immediate family and they all learned a lot from it.

You said :-
Everyone keeps telling me that if I didn’t work so much then I would have more strength to beat it and although I know that to be true,

I found the opposite to be true, work allows me to confront my demons and build and maintain my self confidence, I’m not saying it is easy as confidence was and still is an issue for me but if I kept myself away from people I got worse

I hope some of what I’ve written is helpful to you, of course I can only speak about my experiences and things that worked for me. Don’t be afraid of your depression, it can be controlled, the hard part is finding what works for you.
I’ll be thinking about you Elaine, you aren’t alone

Thanks Killick, thanks Helen

I have really taken on board what you have said. This last week has been the worst I have been in years and it scares me so much because I know I am losing the grip and could lose everything if I allow it to continue.

I always envy when I hear others talk about help they get from professionals. When I was first diagnosed I was sent to various councellors and none of them worked for me but I do want someone to talk to. The frustration and anger is eating away at me.

In the last 11 years I have never had a time when I wasn’t on medication. I am really not sure that I feel any real effects to notice any change when I would come off them. I have only started taking prozac this past few months. I had been on Efexor before that.

Work is suffocating me and I am finding the work load unbearable and although I really want a break, I just know that the work load would only be doubled by the time I got back.

Last night I had a really good chat with my husband about how I felt etc etc. This evening he has turned on me again and doesn’t see any good being on here and talking to strangers. I am so isolated. Yesterday I received the court date for my rape hearing. It is at the end of November and will almost be 12 years to the day since it happened. Obviously my husband knows this but that is it. There is no one I can share this with. My parents threw me out of home when it happened because they believed I was making it up and now, although we have some sort of reltionship, they most certianly do not support my court action. It is however only a Civil Case because there wasn’t enough evidence for the criminal. It could go either way and will definitle worry me for the next month.

I am at the doctors tomorrow evening and before the hearing I have to have a psychiatric medical???
Does anyone know what that might entail???
You are the only people I have to talk to.

I have had 3 psychiatric medicals actually I have had 3 assessments by consultant psychiatrists and each time the psychiatrists have said I was the victim of a terrible incident and they were really really kind. They just said I have no mental illnesses my depression was the result of my assault. I feel elaine your like me and you are feeling the way you are because of the assault. I believe they are going to assess you to say the same i.e the rape has caused you to be depressed. Xxx please be strong XXX HUGS XXXXX you wonderful wonderful woman please be strong and please don’t drink too much tonight because it makes you sad Xx just looking out for you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX