Depression Can Be Fun Magazine Interviews
Woman Magazine
‘My shopping addiction cost me £200,000…’
With Duncan: ‘Too much trust had been lost’
‘…and my husband’
I remortgaged our house… then kept on spending’.
‘…and my home’.
‘I feel such a fool for squandering so much money’
Helen McNallen, 41, hid all her insecurities behind an out-of-control shopping spree…
‘I felt a thrill as I swiped my card’
‘For me, shopping was never about having the latest clothes or looking better than anyone else. It was about trying to find happiness again. But it was only once the money was gone that I could see what I’d really lost.
After years of being in the rat race as a city trader, I was tired and stressed. My doctor soon diagnosed exhaustion and ordered me to take time off work to relax and regain control of my life.
But after eight months of resting at home in Hampshire, going for long walks and pampering myself, I still wasn’t ready to go back to work.
However, without the power suit and the buzz of working life, my self-esteem had deflated. I felt lost and was soon in search of something to help me feel better about myself.
I quickly found that missing something in shopping. I felt a thrill as soon as I swiped my credit card. It was a buzz to know I could have anything that I wanted. It gave me a high, like a glass of wine or a drug might.
But what started as a temporary means to feeling good developed into years of heartache and denial.
At first I dipped into my savings. I’d go out for a pint of milk and spend £150 on cosmetics at the chemist or return with bags of lotions and potions from the health shop. I started spending £50 on magazines each week to keep up with trends. But there was no sense of reality when I handed the money over, and within a few months, I’d moved onto designer goods.
One day I bought eight pairs of sunglasses at around £200 each. The next day I bought a pair of Yves Saint Laurent shoes with three-inch red Perspex heels and big red lips on the front. I didn’t need them – I didn’t even like them. But just as with everything else I bought, I thought they’d make me happy.
My husband Duncan, 50, questioned my spending and commented on the ever-increasing pile of clothes in our wardrobe, many still with their tags on. He asked me to start keeping a book detailing every pound I spent. But there was no reasoning with me. I thought I was in control and pushed his help away.
Next I paid for a trip to LA for my birthday and bought a £2,000 denim skirt, which I never wore. Then I forked out £10,000 for a pair of diamond earrings from our local jeweller. There was no end to what I thought I had to have.
If Duncan returned home from work before me, I’d leave the shopping in the car until he left the house again, and then bring it inside and hide it in our wardrobe.
I even hired a personal shopper at Harrods to help me spend the money I didn’t have. She made me feel important again. On one trip I bought four pairs of Jimmy Choo stilettos at £400 a pair.
And unhappy with my shoulder-length hair, I spent £1,000 on hair extensions, which cost a mint to maintain.
But the receipts started piling up and although Duncan and I had been quite well off, there was no hiding the bank statements from him now. We’d argue about my spending and he’d try to talk me into stopping. But I’d cry and dismiss his concern as bullying. The thought of losing my shopping fix was just too scary.
After my savings had dried up, I remortgaged our second home in London for £100,000 and then spent my way through a £50,000 overdraft. But by 2004 there was no more pulling the wool over Duncan’s eyes. Then came the final straw – Duncan arrived home from a business trip to find a removal truck uploading £25,000 of antique furniture at our house. He was livid. There was no excuse this time round.
With no money and my marriage in tatters, I finally got help. My GP referred me to a hypnotherapist. I had four sessions, at £150 a pop. But this time, it was really worth all the money I spent.
It helped me to work through my insecurities and realise that shopping wasn’t making me happy, in fact it was making me miserable.
I was using it like a drug and it was time to face the come-down.
Week by week I learnt to resist the urge to spend. I realised I didn’t need a high-flying job or designer clothes to make me feel good about myself. I started to piece my life back together. Bags of clothes went to charity shops. Friends and family got plenty and when I could, I sold things.
Duncan and I tried to work it through, but sadly too much trust had been lost. We split in 2006 and I moved out. I’ve started paying off my debts but that’s going to take a while. I hate to think about the money I squandered. I was so lucky. I had a high-paying job but I blew all my money on nothing and now look at me. People must think I’m a fool. My addiction cost me my life-savings, my marriage and my home. I spent £200,000 to learn and important lesson: that money can make your life easier, but it’ll never buy you happiness’.
Are we all addicts?
- Women will spend, on average, eight years of our lives shopping – which breaks down to about 300 shopping trips a year.
- Four out of five British young women now spend more than they earn.
- It’s estimated that we’ll blow £33,000 on shoes in our lifetime – an average of eight pairs a year.
- And £8,000 of our hard-earned cash will go on handbags.
- Our desire to look like celebrities means we’ll spend an average of £80,000 in a lifetime on cosmetics, clothes and beauty treatments.
WORDS CELIA BLACK
PHOTOGRAPH KEN LENNOX
HELEN’S BOOK, DEPRESSION CAN BE FUN, IS SOON TO BE PUBLISHED.
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